I'd rather be a "good man" than a "nice guy".
As I started to wake up this morning I was coming to and remember sort of like moaning, crying a little. Mumbling and then a massive inhale to breath. Like coming up for air from water. I was initiall... View MoreAs I started to wake up this morning I was coming to and remember sort of like moaning, crying a little. Mumbling and then a massive inhale to breath. Like coming up for air from water. I was initially pelted with the thought of mushrooms. As in time for them. It took me a while to get my thoughts together. I'm so ready to just live. I want this out of me. I'm so tired of living and feeling the way I do. I want to feel something besides burning. After my sessions of large doses I feel an understanding of myself. Conscious and subconscious. I know who and what I am. I just want this pulled out of me. I am exhausted from each breath I take. Not physically, mentally. I want to get on with my life. I have the keys (I think) somewhere to unlock the chains and weights I burden myself with. Yet subconsciously or hell consciously I choose to not look for those fucking keys. I need to learn to let go. Just let go. Please.
Have you ever Have you ever hated someone Have you ever gotten instantly mad at someone Have you ever wanted to punch someoneHave you ever wanted to not be touched Have you been sickened by the sight ... View MoreHave you ever Have you ever hated someone Have you ever gotten instantly mad at someone Have you ever wanted to punch someoneHave you ever wanted to not be touched Have you been sickened by the sight of someone Have you ever wanted to cry looking at someoneHave you ever wanted to kill someoneHave you ever wanted to just leaveHave you ever wanted to turn your backHave you ever felt painHave you ever wanted it to just stopHave you ever smiledHave you ever rememberedHave you ever wanted to forgetHave you Have you everHave you ever looked in the mirror
So I had surgery a week ago and won't be able to walk for a while. I was given a few medical urination jugs. I've got to say these are so amazing. -Wake up and have to pee in the middle of the just ro... View MoreSo I had surgery a week ago and won't be able to walk for a while. I was given a few medical urination jugs. I've got to say these are so amazing. -Wake up and have to pee in the middle of the just roll over and pee in the container- Laying on the couch and have to pee,use the container- So my question is would it be odd if after I can walk I still keep and use them? Thoughts?
7 grams of Mel's.Let me explain how I got here. I decided I needed to try and address my "trauma" from my childhood. Towards the end of last summer I took a trip across country. 3600 miles in total. I... View More7 grams of Mel's.Let me explain how I got here. I decided I needed to try and address my "trauma" from my childhood. Towards the end of last summer I took a trip across country. 3600 miles in total. I packed my vehicle with my dog and we left. My intentions were to visit the places I grew up and to face for the first time as an adult my worst memories. I've always been a "compartmentalize" or "head on" person when it comes to "bad" in any context. I felt I've learned so much from my exploratory journey with mushrooms over the past 3 years. I was ready. I went to my childhood house. Where I was initially raised. As an adult I don't really "fear". I remember a sense of anxiety driving into the state. Like a child who knows a punishment is coming. I parked at the bottom of the hills where I played "freely" as a child. Mainly to talk myself up and give some sense of courage. I haven't been back in 35 years. Time doesn't always heel all wounds. There are scars don't always visibly show. This was that. Stepping foot at "home" made me feel like alone and terrified again. This was the home where I was beaten molested and abandoned by my mother and the men she "dated". She didn't actually molest me she knew,she also didn't care. I was nothing to her. I don't know what I really got from this specific stop in my journey. I left in tears. My poor dog. He really was put through the ringer the entire time. I could feel him though. The bond. Next stop was 1 state over. I needed to visit my grandparents. They both passed. I never got to talk to them, explain myself while they were alive. So I went to the cemetery where they lay. Driving to them was a painful experience. I felt I failed them. Especially my grandfather. Walking the cemetery I cried. Mumbled,lost my self. Seeing my dog, brought me back. I kneeled down and we talked. Not verbally. But with feelings and emotions. Looking into his beautiful eyes and seeing him cry because he felt my pain was like no other. I could feel his every fiber and how he wanted to shield me. Protect me. Make me feel loved. That's what he lives for. The unconditional I never had. We spoke and I understood. Like he did. I talked to my grandparents and apologized. I introduced them to my dog. I stood in silence because I felt a conversation I wasn't privy to was taking place between them. It was all surreal. There conversation was for them like mine and my dog for him and I. Leaving I felt a sense of relief.i didn't feel like a scared or alone. Mainly grief for how I've treated myself. We left and I went to grandparents House. It's been 34 years since I've been back. My worst memory about living there is always the freshed. I feel like I failed my grandfather. He died upstairs while I was getting ready for school. He was my everything during that time of my life. He passed away on the floor in the bathroom. I said goodbye and I love as before I left for school, except this time he didn't answer. I knew something was wrong but as a child with little understanding I didn't do or say anything.Just left. When I came home that day and saw my family I knew instantly. I've hated myself ever since. just like my mother abandoned me when I needed her the most as a child,I felt like I did the same to my hero. Walking through the house it was almost like I was 7 again except it was different. Tainted. I silently spoke my peace to the universe and left. Again, in tears. This was a little easier this time. Onto my last stop. The house I "lived" in until I left for the military. My mother's pride and joy. The "main Street" house. I parked at the bottom and talked to my dog again. Let him know what I felt and thought. As we walked up to the house it all came back. Pain hurt misery. This is the house where I found the pictures. The pictures my mother had hidden. Like her own metal of badge of dishonor. These were the pictures she had of the person that molested me. She saved them. I was returning. To say I felt like a 7 year alone was an understatement. We walked and my dog kept his promises. He was protecting me from me. Them. I could feel his energy around me. Him making deal's with the universe to protect me. I believe if we kept going on my selfish journey he would've died giving his life energy to protect me. Tears rolling down my face.i felt love unconditionally.Him. I immediately left. I couldn't lose him. I cried in my truck while he watched over me. Trying to heal me. I love him. I drove 1800 miles in 3 days to get back home.6 months later. A fuck ton of processing it was time to take these Mel's. I've worked them for years now. (It's amazing to see the growth of mushrooms when you take them after tirelessly searching for the "Best" traits. The progression is tangible. Those 7 grams torched me. Like 28 grams had. Fuck. It's amazing how much can change just after 2 years of working on them) That mushroom journey let me know I still have much to work on. However it's getting better.i had to watch The video because I had no recollection. I do remember vomiting. That's when I "blasted off" like DMT. Feint memories of my childhood explorations were present.i realized I'll never escape that. As much as I was unaware for most of my life it was defined me. What I did however realize is that. I'll only be as free as I'll let myself be.
JoseyWales I linked you to this because I know You know. I deployed with him in 2003. He's a great man. I watched in 5 hours of this podcast and I know that a lot of people never understand what it's ... View MoreJoseyWales I linked you to this because I know You know. I deployed with him in 2003. He's a great man. I watched in 5 hours of this podcast and I know that a lot of people never understand what it's like to mentally and psychologically go through your body and brain when you consistently put your life on the line for others. This isn't the typical military podcast. This man beared his soul in opened up. Shattering the barriers of what it's like to be somebody in the military that has a lot of blood on their hands. Being open with trying to heal and do better for yourself. This guy has a beautiful spirit and I really hope that people will take the time to watch it and it was 5 hours. The last 45 minutes of it really hit me and touched me in a place that hasn't resonated with me in a while. The way he talks about trauma in dealing with it, I know a lot of us have trauma. ---Love
Kyle Morgan - Delta Force Operator | SRS #041
Kyle Morgan brings us on his journey from his childhood to the world's most elite and secretive special operations unit known as "Delta Force". On 20 November 2015, Islamist militants
Icculus hit me up on discord
Does anyone else follow Mind Medicine or Compass Pathways? I know it took a beating but they are both slowly bouncing back. Also does anyone else know of any other companies like that to buy into? It'... View MoreDoes anyone else follow Mind Medicine or Compass Pathways? I know it took a beating but they are both slowly bouncing back. Also does anyone else know of any other companies like that to buy into? It's a beautiful thing to see they're being some kind of semblance into normalization.
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