May 28, 2020
Category: DMT
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My perception of reality has been changing since I went through a DMT trip, shortly followed, by a changa trip.
Post Trip:
I had a strong materialist concept-based point of view on reality, trying to fit everything into boxes, to find an explanation for everything. I strongly attached and identified with my understanding of the world, emotions, thoughts and past experiences. I was strongly receptive to other's point of view, but in the end it would just be concepts which didn't actually change my perspective on the world. They made sense on an intellectual level but had not clicked internally. I was completely merged with the persona (which i define as the part of me that wants to control a situation) and in conflict with my ego ( which i define as my conscious/subconscious understanding of the world that gets translated into boxes of concepts). My persona kept my view clouded, it made me deny and run away from harsh internal messages( with games, shows, friends or anything that would distract me) to avoid the pain that comes with it. My persona was lying to my ego, trying to dominate it and distort it.
Trip report:
The DMT trip took all of the concepts away, I was having a hard time letting go. In that state I felt as if I was fading away while watching reality unfold into a beautiful mandala. When the mandala fully formed, in my expanded field of view, I was shot into it. I had 1 min straight of hyperventilation while my understanding of the world was forcefully fading away along with the concept of myself. All that remained was pure consciousness experiencing eternity with some leftover "panic feeling" from not letting go. My first psychedelic trip, smoked DMT, was quite peculiar. My intention was based on a scientific mindset "I want to observe everything" (and according to friends I had the "crazy" fully open eyes throughtout most of the experience).
The trip took me through a wide spectrum ride:
.Feeling like I'm dying, experiencing eternity as a minuscule single point of pure consciousness ==>
.As my friends synchronized their breaths(their POV) and i affirmed "I understand" inside of that infinite space/time ==>
.I fell down into what felt like a "telephatic VR world", in which i got cheered "Welcome, I knew you could do it. This is your world!" and had some actual conversations despite everyone being quiet. ==>
.Shortly after I was actually able to talk, I said "It's cold can we go inside?", I got a backride from my friend, feeling as if I had a ghostly floating body ==>
.As I sat on the sofa, time fast forwarded 5 secs. My friends started wrapping me with 3 small fleece blankets ==>
.Finally, I closed my eyes. Felt the comfortable warmth of the blankets, that kept getting stronger as if I was being wrapped by unlimited blankets, stacking and pushing me towards the sky. I was growing bigger and bigger while in that blissful feeling. In a way it was the polar opposite of the first part of the trip instead of feeling like a single point of awareness, I felt like my awareness had grown to the size of the universe.
-When I say "universe" I'm reffering to "the whole" and not just our physical universe. I felt as if past, present and future were a single happening, in a multitude "universes".
The moment I came back to the "baseline" reality I felt as if I could do or become anything from that point onwards. My past was there for my ego's understanding but it wasn't attached to the persona anymore. The first thing I said to my friends was that i felt that we were a "wave of energy flowing through space and time".
Integration Process:
This trip has happened in december of 2018, almost 2 years after and I'm still processing the knowledge and trying to integrate. I was tempted many times by my persona to forcefully find a comfortable logical explanation for everything that this spiritual journey digged out. I find that approach quite negative to my emotional health and even intellectual health - makes my persona attaches to thoughts is trying to dominate.
I think everyone has their attachments, it's sorta the way we ground ourselves down and make an identity. Fake shamans recognize that, yet they can't let go of their attachaments, they incite others to chase happiness, wealth, among other things outside of our control, just as they do.
"How do you take an adult goose(awareness) that was grown inside of a bottle(ego) without breaking the bottle or hurting the goose?"
"The goose is outside the bottle" the goose realizes that:
.He is not his thoughts, he simply has them;
.He is not his past nor is he an imagined future, those are just the contents of the mind:
.which are MOSTLY(not always) observed with with an "ego" filter scanned by the amount of control the persona feels that it as or needs to have over the situation - manifesting emotions.
.The goose simply is, and feels no attachments in that mind state.
.I believe that everyone can reach this blissful state of mind and cultivate it:
.practicing acepting and letting go as if we were accepting and shedding our skin.
.Requires a lot of integration for a more mindful awareness that doesn't get dragged along by attachments, that can drive us on loops of thoughts and self-identifying with them, and instead accepting and letting go as it comes.
.I'm obviously in the bottle, as im wirtting this I am projecting my ego(personal understanding of the world) along with my attachment - my wish of having a more peaceful, supporting, respectful and stress-free world for myself.
.In the end we are all humans and at some point we are dragged by emotion of having our attachments and ego in conflict ourselves and others.
.I think cultivating that mindful state of awareness can help us out realizing our emotions and the perspective of others:
.even if you don't agree with what others are saying, it got easier to see the way other's see with this mindset.
.being able to detach from my thoughts allows me to see more clearly mine and other people's assumptions.
.enriching my point of view, instead of a battle of concepts, which leads me to openly shedding the skin I see unfit, shaping the way I see the world.