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AwareGreatApe

Male. Lives in London, United Kingdom. Born on September 5, 1996.

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AwareGreatApe

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AwareGreatApe

June 14, 2020 3:28 pm

The goal of this "book" (more like personal project/therapy) is to honestly come across myself as a whole, to observe how the feeler of feelings split up from dream world, piece by piece, into a worl... View MoreThe goal of this "book" (more like personal project/therapy) is to honestly come across myself as a whole, to observe how the feeler of feelings split up from dream world, piece by piece, into a world of unconsciously filled boxes that expanded and limited my range of awareness. It's very confusing to my current ego to describe my past awareness with words, It feels like describing abstract art with a dictionary but I hope to be able to draw some personal truth and possibly some universal truths of the human experience. I'm doing this to aid my integration process, I need to know where I need to go in my life and I think we've all struggled throughout life so I hope this perspective may be useful to you brothers.

My ego's journey began in the world of dreams. The furthest I can track back doesn't manifest itself as a visual or sound memory. I would categorise it as a primordial feeling memory, it belonged to the big box, it was not physically uncomfortable nor emotionally stimulating. Recalling it, I would describe my 3-4 year old's awareness to be like a tranquil dream, with a feeling floating lightness. There was no sensation nor concept of time, it was non-existent, those years's visual memories are stacked along-side the primordial feeling. Those memories may be hazy by now, but they feel incredibly familiar and true to me due to my periodic recalling of them throughout my life.

By the age of 5 my dream-like awareness was shaken like never before. I was suddenly asked for my date of birth by my pre-school teacher. I felt the world crash on the spot, i dropped from my dream-like existence into an identity crisis, the primordial feeling was a mixture of anxiety, confusion, fear and a soft underlying feeling of psychosis while i tried to wrap my head around when was "I" born. Time stopped, the flow of the world was broken for what felt like infinity as a child. It was not the time for me to think of myself separately from what I felt - I was the awareness, not a owner of awareness. It left a very strong mark on my mind that I later, as my ego was more developed, recalled but not understood it with my lacking teenager world view.

Thankfully, as a kid, I proceeded to move on from that event, and going back to the world of dreams. As I ran through the "immense" grass field, pressing my body against the air and enjoying the quick flow of scenario, as the feeling grew I would speed up, and in those moments my awareness was that of the flow of the world passing by and, looking back, the feeling of the air hitting my body and the happiness surrounding it.

Back then there was no concept of "air", "feeling" or "happiness" in my mind, in other words, back then everything was in one painting, I would feel it but not label it as something "I feel", I was not separate from it. My awareness was that of a canvas continuously being painted over with all kinds of feelings and sensations.

I became aware of morals before I became aware of the concept of "I", myself in this world. At some point learned to separate pleasant and unpleasant paintings instead of just emotionally reacting to them. The good and the bad was born in my awareness, although i still didn't stand between them. I still was my awareness of pleasant, "the good", and of unpleasant, "the bad", in other words, my canvas was divided in three. My awareness jumped around from the timeless dream-like state, "the good" and "the bad". On the latter two, the sensation of time would slow down, and feel more grounded and palpable. Whenever there was a burst of happiness, like when i first got huge Lego set or a inflatable castle (which you should definitely invest for your child, unlimited hours of jumping fun and robot building), I would be that happiness. On the flip-side, I used to have issues eating, I would be asked whether I ate everything or not at school lunch, resulting in reprimandment, I would, obviously, not understand why I was "the bad".

I remember being told to "go think about what you did", from that point on the amount of times in the dreamworld decreased and a new feelings, from me wracking my brain over why I was "the bad", emerged - sadness, confusion.

Those served as glue to form my proto-ego, sadness made me think about "the bad" and despite not understanding why, I began to desire and ,in a way, to identify with the good rather than the unpleasant "sad" that made me feel like "the bad".

<==== To Be Continued...>

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