March 3, 2021
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I took 3 gm of APEs that I grew, 1 gm in lemon tek. It is the biggest dose I have had with APEs. I have settled into a monthly full moon ritual with a friend; preferably camping in the middle of nowhere. This time, she invited a friend, which was fine, and we had to stay inside her house because her dog was injured. We have been doing this for months and have down getting set and setting optimal. So I had music on the portable speaker, a psychedelic TV screen , and fire in fire pit. In hindsight, dumb idea to take that much with an acquaintance and not just my trusted friend but there we were when the 3rd wheel all the sudden pops up and says she is out off cigarettes and was going to drive to get some. She couldn't understand why this was a very bad idea (newbie) and it really fucked up the vibe. Then we all started to come up and I always have a hard time with the come up; nausea, I feel like bugs are biting my ears and eyes and nose and getting in my mouth. The only way I have found to combat this successfully is to put a beanie on so absolutely no hair can get in my face, brush my teeth, and blast EDM while aggressively dancing. Typically it lasts about 30 min then resolves. HOWEVER, the acquaintance started laughing maniacally at me, literally like in grade school finger pointing and hysterically laughing. So I ask what she sees, but she can never say because she can't stop laughing. This irritates me bad for some reason and I try to go to a different room. Then my phone (BT to speaker) rings. I run in to see who it is which I shouldn't have done as I wasn't on call! In my frustration in trying to disconnect the speaker from my phone, my reality was absolutely sure I was on call, and it was my boss calling. I couldn't get the phone to stop playing on the speaker, and the acquaintance is still right there hysterically laughing...it was this horrible nightmare that I was caught doing something I shouldn't be doing and there would be hell to pay. I went to lay down and I completely left my body, like a dream but incredibly intense. I was explaining to someone that I was caught, the jig s up, I was not going to bounce back from this. (In my mind, they knew I was doing shrooms and as a result I was going to lose everything) The person was agreeing with me saying yeah man, you can't ever go anywhere near your life ever again. In this reality, I was to surrender everything; my phone number, my financials, possessions....I had to give all of it up. I was ok with the $ and possessions, but I was absolutely devastated to delete my phone number. This would mean I had to give up all past people and the stories and history I had with them. 2 in particular were....I have never cried like that in my life. The 2 were my daughter whom estranged from me years ago without explanation, the other the love of my life who chose to be with another. As I am weeping, I realize that I have been clinging to hope of reconciliation that is not to be...that I have been hurting my own self all this time because of my lifelong story of loss and rejection. I then realize what is happening, I am going to die right then to the life I have been living and I get to to choose this and rebirth myself, very specifically on March 20th. This brought so much sorrow...it was so painful in a way I can't describe fully. I knew where I was going I would not be taking them with me. I then saw myself at work in recent weeks and the real life situation brewing for a fight I was going to have to engage in (I'm in Executive Management) with shady people vying for power. While strategizing the upcoming work fight, I feel the stress of yet again in my career I find myself the target of shady individuals trying to knock me down from my hard earned position that I perform with excellence. The stress felt like a backpack, but soon it was too heavy to carry. Every time in my life I have been fired, stalked, rejected, been lied on out of spite flashed before me and my dream guide was there saying gently in my ear...."why are you choosing this again? You don't have to choose another fight....let it go, let it all go. This life is no longer for you, it's time to move up....but only when you choose it." Idon't know how long this was but I "woke up" with my friend spooning me and hugging me so lovingly saying over and over again "I got you, let it out, I got you I won't let you go..." And for the first time in my life, my sorrow did not turn to anger and supression because it's so uncomfortable for me to feel.....it all came out, but like all of it over lifetimes, millennia. Ugly cry would be a gross understatement. And I delete my number and see what my rebirth will look like...which basically involved salts, minerals, and oils in a bath that I'm to do under the moon and emerge naked and free.
Days later while out sick, I am seriously re-evaluating my life. I knew I was stressed, but did not realize I was this close to the edge. SO in that respect, it is a good thing. I knew immediately when I woke up that I couldn't go to work this week and l will likely quit. I know this is good, but I feel dead inside. I have no idea what I'll be doing. I have a credentialed career I have been in 21 years and I don't want to do it anymore, but I am "top of my game." I feel heavy and hung over and sad and not inspired. I just don't know where to go from here. I'll be ok, it's what I've been seeking in many ways....a new path walking toward joy, relief from crushing cyclical depression, moving more toward the positive. I feel like some of my sadness is in seeing how long I chose darkness and maybe I don't know how to "do happiness." I am considering doing a smaller dose in dark room with headphones to seek the answer but don't know if this is wise
