Ayahuasca Ceremonies

I am a recovering alcoholic who will be 3 years sober in January. As a teenager I experienced much trauma that made me reach for alcohol at a young age to block it out whilst it was happening, and to forget when it wasn't. I didn't tell anybody, and knew the drink was a problem from early on. I looked into ways to stop, or at least cut down, and I saw ayahuasca almost straight away as an alternative "therapy" but the strongest thing I had tried was weed at this point, and some of the more traumatic details from trip reports were really putting me off the idea. The calling never went away, and funnily enough it wasn't until after I got sober that the calling intensified. I saw posts everywhere despite not reading about it in a while, then the opportunity just fell in my lap and I grabbed it with both hands.To the chase: I was incredibly nervous when I arrived, choosing to isolate occasionally from the other 5 people participating due to social anxiety. This would change within hours. When we all got to know each other, it was soon time. After having a private session with the shamans where we made clear our intentions with the medicine, we were all shown which mattresses to sit on. I was chosen, as a first timer, to be next to a girl whose first time it was also. The ceremony began. Several rituals occurred which were wonderful to behold, one of which was having rapé blown into my nose, which really leveled me out and calmed my nerves. After taking the first brew, which tasted much nicer than I anticipated, I sat upright and meditated for around 20-30 minutes. The beautiful shamans began to sing songs in Portuguese, waving huge leaves as percussion. It sounded so mystical and amazing. I lay back as I felt a buzz over my body. Where a candle flame had created a large circle on the ceiling, i began to see a large eye appear, and faint snakes appeared within. I said in my mind that I didn't want to change what I was being shown, but that I was afraid of snakes, and almost immediately they changed to rainbows.After another 20 mins I was deep. Others were purging, being sick, speaking in tongues of sorts, and I didn't feel great. What if this was a con? What if when I pass out they kill me, or steal my things? This didn't last long as I was taken to the edge of the cosmos and shown how my vibration was being altered to take in the lessons to come. I saw how everything began. Love. Love is all that exists, and everything else is completely fabricated. It's a divine experiment, a game that the divine plays so that it can experience all myriad of feelings, emotions, and follies. I laugh and cry at the realisation as it passes my head and sits at my heart. Then I forget it. I hear myself sigh, but I'm given another chance. In fact I am given more chances than I feel I can handle as it repeats for what feels like a week until it sinks in and I can handle no more. It's overwhelmingly beautiful but I'm already tired. Visuals get playful as I'm shown all sorts of wonderful geometric patterns. Before I know it, my eyes are open; the girl next to me and I are just looking into each others eyes and smiling knowing smiles. It's amazing.Suddenly the girls back arches and she screams. It's like something from a horror film. I close my eyes and she becomes my wife. I see my wife at night screaming and crying, mourning the baby we lost just months ago. I see our 5 year old boy asleep but hearing everything. I am suddenly in my wife's body and I feel every single drop of pain, grief and sadness as she miscarriages. I miscarriage with her. I can't stop crying, and I realise how strong she is. My love and respect for this beautiful woman could fill the skies. Suddenly all is calm and I float through space again.The female shaman Lucy begins to sing a heart-wrenching but beautiful song about the sacredness of womanhood. I feel my mother. She passed away from cancer whilst I was still drinking and I never felt I said goodbye properly. I always had a small resentment towards her as I was the result of an affair she had, and none of my family know to this day. The spirits tell me that my Mother's mistakes were paramount. Every single last seemingly insignificant one was vital to my existence. Had she not made just one of them, it would've set her on a different path and I would not be here. I cry again. My resentment is popped like a bubble. She was a warrior. A beautiful, strong, incredible warrior. I'm told all the years I were sexually abused were painful, but were also vital. I blamed myself for letting it happen for years, and the spirit lifted it from my shoulders in a heartbeat. Everybody else in the room suddenly join me in some kind of energy hug until I manage to say out loud that I'm a good person, after which I open my eyes and both shamans nod at me in agreement and knowing, and suddenly I am in love with everyone in the room.I am now being told that I am to receive a gift. I close my eyes and my head buzzes like crazy, and I feel sensations akin to electric glitter going to certain areas of my body. I'm unsure of what the gift is, but I am filled with faith. In fact, I am then told that I should always have faith. I am on a beautiful path, with rocky parts indeed, but I will be OK. I cry yet again.I'm still processing the first night, and there is more that I saw, including some rather hilarious OEVs, but these were the main turning points of the first night, and the feelings I had are with me now to this day. My confidence is soaring, my anxiety is dwindling, my love for people is off the scale. I feel like a huge weight is lifted. I have cried more in the past fortnight than I have in the previous decade. I talk more. People aren't scary, they're trying their best. I embrace each day as a playful challenge, and each moment with curiosity. I feel beautiful, and grateful.Those people that I distanced myself from at first just because I'd never met them, felt like family after the ceremony. I could not stop hugging them. We didn't even converse in the moments in-between, but we did share an incredibly powerful and sacred journey together. I felt like I'd spent lifetimes together with them. Now we are really close, and check-in with each other all the time.Thank you so much for reading. This was very stream of conciousness in writing, so I hope it makes sense! The second night was very different, and I hope to document that soon too.Be well. I love you.