You can only hold on for so long

I ate 14 grams of mushrooms. Let me give some backstory. I finished school in 1997 i was 17,my father signed a waiver for me to enlist in the Army. 11-bravo. I was deployed 4 times. After being wounded  pretty badly i got out in 2006. I then was"recruited" to contract for the Government,i did until 2012. I was able to hide my ever growing drug addiction that came about after my 2nd deployment. I was always into Mushrooms Dmt as well as Lsd. I used drugs to kill my self loathing and hate i had for myself. I felt i should of been the person to die not my brother's whom i served with. In 2012 i starting dating my now ex-wife. She encouraged me to take time off and "heal" so i did with massive amounts of drugs. I got into cultivation that year. It was my therapy. We ate mushrooms all the time and i would struggle with my past. I did however start to understand the potential.  Fast forward to 2018 I felt my progression of healing was coming along really well until in October. i was in a car accident that nearly killed me. I Broke my C5/C6 my T4/5/6 and my L4/5 my brain was swelling and i was dying. I was transported to trauma for emergency care. I am a fairly in shape person with large shoulders,before surgery i needed imaging done of my body,well being broad shouldered prevented me from fitting in the normal machine. I had to wait 6 hours. I was left and forgotten about in the hallway of the hospital on the floor that does the imaging. As i was fading in and out of delusion a lot of memories flooded. What was odd was i seemed to being hallucinating while remembering things.  For the 1st time in a long time i felt at piece in decades. Well i got somewhat put back together. After my accident i became less myself. I gave up on mushrooms and life. I ended up getting a divorce. I sold my firm and fell back in love with the needle. (2019)  After a year or so passed i ate some mushrooms and was gripped by them(2020).. They beat me into tears....   I knew i needed them so in my life again. Which leads me to present day. I take Mushrooms every two weeks.  I've been gradually working my up to higher amounts. I truly love DMT,it just doesnt do me the way mushrooms do. Dmt shatters me and leaves me to put myself back together.Mushrooms shatter me then help me put myself bacl together. Anyway since roughly March i've been taking them again,the thing is i feel like they are leading on this path to take larger amounts. It's like they give me just a glimpse of something then it goes away. The next time i'll eat more and i'll get shown a liitle more then a last time..so on and so forth. 

That's the backstory on why 14grams. Now for the experience. It was rough.. I struggled with taking them in a powder. After about 10 minutes my ears started to ring and i knew it was going to be a non negotiable ride. I just leaned over on the couch and tried ro relax as best i could. I had my eyes closed and i felt what seemed like a pop,like a pressure in your eyes pop.  I opened my eyes and everything was black and white. I closed my eyes and could see through my lids and everything was in color,i opened my eyes again and it was black and white. I tried to look at my watch and it was only 20 minutes since i took them. I knew i was done for,i took my watch socks and shirt off,i was ready. Nope i was wrong!!!! For some reason i wanted to get up and move around,i looked like i was fighting a k-hole mixed with a stroke. My movements were choppy and robotic,i was grunting and moaning. I was extremely loud. I could NOT be still.I am a open eye person when i take mushrooms. I like to be gripped by them.. No reprieve.I want to be abused and tossed around by them. i feel like sitting and closing my eyes is cheating. I've always felt like when i take them i don't want to be able to escape. Well i had no escape truly it was what i yearned for,to face my demons. No escape. After maybe 45 minutes after taking them i had a moment of clarify just for a second, i was fightening the mushrooms when i was walking around,i needed to sit and listen. I did i remember feeling like i was going to vomit. So i closed my eyes(Yup i did the thing i didn't like) instantly i saw colors and shapes and heard words they came at me so fast i couldn't make out anything. Then it slowed to timelessness. I saw the same Beings i see when i take a large dose of Dmt. ( They look like the stone carvings in south america) They smiled at me,one put it's hand/fingersin front of a "mouth" like it was saying telling me to stop and listen...Like a SHHHH!! Then it motioned away from it's mouth like it was pushing me back and away. Things sped up rapidly again with the sounds colors shapes,only this time it was memories from my past,being shot,My 1st jump in the Army,my grandfathers funeral,then it blurred to me in the hospital looking over myself when i was in my accident. My interpretation of that was seeing myself at peace. I instantly opened my eyes to a blur and fought back throwing up. I got up again to go up stairs and my body was doing to stroke k-hole robot motions,i tried to talk but all that came out was a language i didn't know. I can brielfy remember my dog look ing at me like" you fucking did it now" I ended up sittingback down since i was going know where fast. Right before i sat down i could clearly think"this is only 14 grams,i can't imagine whatan ounce will be like"( That is my goal) Sitting back down made me want to close my eyes again(i know,against everything i prefer) so i did and it was as instense as before,so i opened them back up and looked into the universe. i became a floating energy ball it was awe inspiring. For some reason opened my eyes again and felt wet... I guess i had passed out and drowled all over myself,down my chest and onto my shorts. By then 3hours had passed and i started to come down.  I was hungry i felt starved. My body all my joints and muscles felt obliterated. THey still hurt even as i type this.My experience was encompassed all of me. I am so happy i ate 14 grams. I am not done next will be 21grams. The mushrooms have shown me that i have more to see.