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As I was drinking my coffee (black,I know someone is wondering) staring off into the blue sky and kept having a reoccurring theme pop into my head of some sorts. A trip down memory lane if you will. These memories are of bad things. Memories from my childhood to now. Upsetting troubling things. I was thinking of them for no other reason than to upset me to some extent.I started to really focus my attention to my "older" adult life. Shitty stuff. Things/people/situations that are no longer in my life to Trouble me. Yet I go back to them,like a favorite movie or book almost like comfort. They make me angry and upset. These things are done and dusted. Over. Laid to rest. But I continue to come back to them. Only to upset me. Almost like what coffee does. After going on my self exploratory journey on mushrooms last year did I realize and fully understand my mental state. I'm a Masochist to the fullest extent. Just not sexually. I use "hurting" myself as a gas or energy. It helps me focus or relax depending on the instance. I don't know if I had "happy" experiences as a child. I don't remember them. As an adult,my childhood ended long before I enlisted at 17. In the current phase of my life and having a semi decent memory of things (5years or less).I see this trend/pattern of putting myself into situations with the outcome already known. It's to hurt myself. It's like a drug that I have no ability to get off of. Makes sense because of my view regarding myself and drug use.My lack of empathy and compassion makes total sense now for me. I hurt myself so I can feel something.the anger/rage are controllable. It's just a me thing that deals with it. I have SIB as well( Self Inflicted Behavior) I only do it on my feet. As a child I did it to my finger nails. I'd poke a hole in the white part then slowly tear it off(It would almost swell up and out of the hole, I remember thinking it looked like dough getting squeezed). I can remember how bad it hurt.Not that it was bad and I should never do it again. As an adult I do it to my little toe nails and the heal of my left foot.(I've done it so many times to my right toe nail,I basically don't have a toe nail anymore. once I finally get the toenail ripped off, there's a split second that feels as invigorating as walking outside in the morning. Feeling the cool fresh spring air) The totally fucked thing is that I'm on my feet almost all day. I can feel the pain throughout the day.I appreciate mushrooms for the knowledge they imparted on me. It doesn't change who I am or what I am. I just now have the answers.