22:45:13 GMT-0700 (MST)

Tonight i thought after my nap i was good to go. Ran some later then expected errands in preparation. As i drove i became doubtful. Fear started the creep in. Tonight would be my 1st time taking them alone(minus my dog) in over a year. I came home and started to make my doggo food. Tonight I'm making him slow cooked elk rice and veggies. I got a phone call and heard the funniest thing. My friend said"where the fuck am i" unknowingly I had answered. So I basically heard a thought to oneself being spoken out loud and I cracked up. She inadvertently gave me the strength to try and do this. I knew hearing her say that it brought me to a joy. The joy i get when i take mushrooms. I made me feel relaxed. I took my dog out for his nightly poop walk. I took my normal anxiety poop myself (does anyone else do that?) Tonight is milestone for me. My time prior I'd take an Oz of mushrooms alone. To see what kind of hurt i could cause myself. It really was masochistic therapy. After taking them again ( I started around Christmas) i found joy again. This has been a journey for me. I'm glad i was able to share with you all. Writing my thoughts and exposing myself to this community my ugly self. I appreciate the medicine i have. I've been able to share it with some. It's my form of atonement that I feel like I need. I carry a heavy weight inside that i can't let go off. As time i take them i get more comfortable with who i am. I realize that it's okay to feel like i do. I don't feel saddened per-se learning about my own truths. Even though it's not okay. Life is precious. Tonight like the past few times are Mel's. They've been kind to me. Thank you.