An Amature Meditation into a First Time Microdose

It's getting late for me and I have work the next morning so I'm sorry if this is a bit rushed. I harvested my first flush of B+ yesterday and this morning (some of them were small and I thought they would grow more if I left them overnight). I'm enjoying learning the mycology of it, and I managed to take some hopefully decent spore prints. I am waiting on having a full trip until I can meet up with a friend to tripsit, but I really need help so I decided right away to microdose. This si the first time I have done any kind of psychedelic, and one of the very few times I have done any kind of non-perscription drug. 

I don't have a miligram scale yet (rookie mistake, I know) so I weiged out 3 grams of fresh mushroom stem using my kitchen scale. The actual dosage I got, then, is questionable because I couldn't weigh it accurately. Either way, I wanted to go for it. Out of curiocity I took a bite out of one stem just to taste the mushroom on it's own. The first bite was honestly not bad, just kind of watery dirt flavor. The next bite became more bitter and I understand why people don't like the taste of these. I put everything else into a blender cup with frozen strawberries, kefir (a kind of drinkable yogurt), honey, and a little bit of vanilla. I don't think I could taste the mushrooms at all. 

From that first bite I feel like I could tell a difference. For many years of my life, at least eight or more, there has been a kind of constant tension in my head. It's equal parts physical, emotional, and spiritual I think. Maybe it's just accumulated stress and depression (I've been on SSRIs before and they just gave me depersonalization that made it easier to contemplate suicide), and the chemical componenet of depression is definetly a part of it. Whether it was the placebo effect or some ammount of the psilocybin crossing into my bloodstream as I chewed, I felt this lessen somewhat. I would compare this tiny initial change to my limited experience with CBD. It's a positive change, if a small one, and I was immediately hopeful for what came next. 

I drank the smoothie with breakfast, and watched a couple youtube videos at the same time. I felt a body load ease onto me, as well as a mental peace that I was unfamiliar with. A peace and softness of mind that I have either never felt or have been so long without that the memory has disentegrated. It was beautiful, and though my stomach even from this low dose did feel slightly nauseas, my body felt soft and sensual similar to my experiences with weed. The effect here was mcuh smaller but actually more erotic in the moment. I felt the mushrooms calling to me to lay down and meditate, so I left the livingroom and climbed into bed, trying to give myself permission to spend some time simply experiencing it. I am not an expert meditator (yet!), and the dose was much too small for closed or open eye visuals. My imagination as I let my thoughts wonder (which I think is a form of meditation?) didn't feel more vivid, but it did feel more "out there" and "trippy" and it was easier to get lost into it. I sincerely think even from just this tiny dose that I managed to connect with the spirit of the mushrooms for a moment. Amid imagery clearly inspired by digital life, such as audio I imagined skipping like a broken video, glitches and visuals seen in video games and film applied to random imagery, I remember quite clearly a blooming cluster of mushrooms growing past, the stems elongating and holding up proud caps that became eyes just where they touched the stem. I don't remember imagening veils on them, torn or not, but they became a cluster of eyes looking at me before they faded away. 

I remember letting myself go into it a bit and for the breifest of snippets I felt intention or thoughts from the mushrooms. It was not as clear as it could be, so there is a chance this was my own mind making it up, but I imagined the mushrooms saying they love me. I imagined them saying they liked to see me naked as well--I'm basically a nudist and almost never wear clothes at home. I felt they liked to see a human be human--in their own human skin--and also felt they took erotic pleasure from it. It was very comforting to imagine, and on bigger doses I'm sure this will be very cathartic. The imagination of them slipped away after that, but the feeling that I've invited them into me both physically and spiritually was something that stuck with me for another several hours. In the next few moments they really called me to masturbate, and so I spent half an hour pleasuring myself for both of us. I think they enjoyed it, and I had the best orgasm I've had in a long while. it felt very clean and wholesome, the erotic energy of it, and after orgasming I felt good and peaceful. :3 

I took a shower after that and noticed that microdosing did not make it easier to climb into a cold shower, but I did internally have a lot less resistance against myself. I think the tendancy of depressives, or of me at least in my depression, to hate ourselves for every decision we make no matter what is something that microdosing diminished or even eliminated. This carried through to the rest of my day as i became more productive than I have been in entire weeks before, doing dishes and drying the rest of the shrooms and making phone calls to friends and family. I feel so, so much  better than I did before, and even this low dose has given me a day with so much less suffering and so much less resistance against myself to get stuff done. 

Meditating into the experience was incredibly interesting and promising--it makes me wonder if skilled meditators could enter a psychedelic high off of very small doses, or how that might affect spiritual meditation experiences they have. I have a whole list of things I want to try in reguards to psychedelics and meditation, and this has done nothing but bolster my desire to grow my mycelium out into this world. These mushrooms love us. :heart:

At the end of the day my head still feels mostly clear and I am at peace. i'm not sure how to conclude this report but thank you to everyone who read this far down. I think being a psychonaut--through both meditation and psychedelics and maybe even more eventually--is absolutely a part of my identity. I'm going to head on to sleep, I'll edit this toorrow if I have the energy after work and I feel anything needs updating/clarifying. 

Mush love to all! Thank you to everyone! :heart: