1st Ayahausca Session (5g Syrian Rue + 10g Acacia Confusa)

The first time I drank it I was in the living room watching the great Muppet Caper movie and I was alone to start. The Muppets have always been one of the few things I can say I purely enjoy in this world and has been that way since I was a kid. for whatever reason about 48 hours prior I had the thought to start watching the movies in chronological order. As I made it through that movie, I moved onto the Muppet Christmas carol. This movie in particular has always been an interesting topic because I generally hate all things Christmas. After about 1.5 hours or so as Gonzo narrates, I couldn't help but lock eyes with him. I felt compelled to stretch my arms out across the back of the couch and sat Indian style. I continued to lock eyes with gonzo and watched as the spirits taught scrooge his first lesson. I started to realize that my body was fading away starting with my toes. It was confusing at first but nothing bad. I knew it was starting. I decided to get up and go pee before I got comfortable again. I came back to the couch and got in the same position as before. I was trying to get back to the same body fading as before. My dogs followed me the whole time and jumped up on the couch. I started shooing them away insisting I couldn't have distractions, but then I realized if I was truly not distracted, they didn't matter so I told myself to stop. I locked eyes with gonzo and started fading away again. As the feeling of fading away reached the top of my head suddenly I realized I was inside my body almost as a ball of energy. I could move 2D within my body but could not leave it. I felt myself move out into my stretched arms and back to the center. I continued to watch the movie and found myself moving out into the living room in the sense of just being part of the room as a whole. Once this started, I lost all concept of "me". I constantly asked, "who am I?". This faded in and out of feeling like I was in the movie also. not being there, no visuals, but being "part of it". The urge to purge was creeping up on me, but at the same time I was aware of my "traveling" in and out of my body to the point I later realized I got cocky. I thought I knew how to get back there say if I needed to go pee. I started wondering though why I saw no visuals. I caught myself looking in the mirror and feeling like my pupils had a red ring around them. maybe something was wrong. maybe that's why I can’t see anything. oh no....here it goes. the anxiety is now spiraling. what is happening and should it be? why don't I see anything yet? I started to panic as the anxiety bubbled up, and I woke my wife up. I went back to the bathroom to force myself to purge since it wasn't happening. another big mistake. I sat on the floor, waiting for it to come, but it wasn't. As I sat there, I lost myself again, but this time it was just my mind not my body. I very distinctly remember thinking I might never recover from this brain damage. As I was panicking one of my dogs came in the room and say with me. As she licked me in the face, I realized I was well aware that it was my dog, and she was licking my face, but I had no clue who I was. This went on for what felt like forever until I had this sudden urge to drink water, so I downed 6 red solo cups worth. Next an urge for food hit me so my wife grabbed a piece of bread and I ate half a piece and was satisfied. Next thing I know a voice, which I cannot say was male or female, screamed at me in the sternest way imaginable "BREATH" and I couldn't. I later felt like these were some sort of trial, which I attribute to my recent battles with being overweight and alcohol abuse. I conquered my alcohol addiction and had greatly improved my diet through a forced IBS diagnosis, before this aya experience. I continued to attempt to breath but no matter what I did I couldn't. the panic reached a peak of shorts, and next thing you know I had an overwhelming urge to close my eyes. As I started to however, I felt my whole world fade away. Not in the way I felt before, traveling within my body, the room, and the movie. This was dying. No starting at the toes and building, simply fading away. I fought it for about 15 minutes I later found out. I laid on the couch sure this was it. I asked my wife to check my pulse, and she said it was fine. She checked my blood pressure and it too was fine. Suddenly I started to doubt my dying. I was able to close my eyes now, but the feeling of death was still lingering. I would reopen my eyes, evaluate the time that had passed, and realized each time I did this was only 2-3 minutes of a full 6-hour journey. I described these few minutes as "universes" within the journey, and I was passing through them. About that time, I heard the wind chimes on thefront porch, and my death instantaneously ended. I laughed and cried as I remembered moving into this house and how I almost threw the wind chime away. It was rusting, half broken, but my wife insisted we hang it up anyway. Ironically in my most desperate moment this seemingly worthless object just saved my life. I cried in amazement. I suddenly realized this was all a result of the intense pressure I put on myself, and at the end of the day the only thing that should matter, is something I never had growing up, a home. I didn't realize it at the time, but this has been a lingering thought I have never acknowledged. I first realized it months prior, the first time I heard Lukas Graham's "Mama Said", but even then, it didn't sink in. I realized I have a horror problem with "triggers" that run very deep in my family. I thought back to all the years of family drama, and hurtful things my mother has done. She has always been very self-centered, and quite frankly abusive. One of my fondest memories is of her at about 10 putting my stuff out in the front yard and making me wait for dad to come get me. I was told don't ever call, write, and if I see her on the street her name is Donna. While I truly feel I have gotten past that, the thought was never lost on me. To this day she is as bitter as she was then. I realized I have no imagination. I cried as I told my wife I bought a notebook to start notating my DMT research, but the only thing I had managed to write was the steps of how to visualize something. I found it ironic in the end that I tried so hard to see visuals, and never did, but I felt more than I could have ever imagined. My wife and I talked about our marriage, and the troubles we have had, and I knew she was not the problem. I knew I could see a future between us, but that we would both need to work on ourselves. We talk for a while longer, ate some food, and had a great night’s sleep. In summary, it was worth every minute of it. I am more comfortable with myself as a whole and have a new outlook on many aspects of life. It was also made very clear to me that it is okay to just work on "it", whatever that is, and not obsess over the destination. Enjoy the journey. As I was coming down at one point, I could hear the wind chimes out front, and it was confirmation to me that it was not something made up. It was a very real sound that, if I allowed myself to be aware of it, could be heard anytime. Unfortunately, we are too good at distracting ourselves. I truly believe that the same voice that screamed at me to breathe let me lay there and die until I had enough.