My first Ayahuasca Experience or This Sucks! Let's Do It Again!

As I wrote about a month ago, I have finally been introduced to Mother Ayahuasca. A brother of mine organized a weekend retreat on the Quebec, Ontario border. I had gone up the week before to help set up the yurt we were going to be doing our ceremonies in, so I was familiar with the land and felt a little less nervous.

Friday: We left Montreal early in the morning and did a buch of shopping. You know, groceries for the weekend, bug spray, tiki torches etc. We got to the site fairly early and started setting up the kitchen and the ceremony space and our living areas. I took a spot in the loft above the kitchen.

Now, I am a psychdelic black belt. I've done most of them (Mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, MDA, Weed, DMT etc...) and I've done them in large doses. I've also mixed several of them with varying degrees of success. (BTW, LSD and DMT is still one of my favorites). I can handle anything that comes my way.

The ceremony started around 7:30 pm. We all went into the yurt and the shaman blessed us with tobacco. He blessed the space with incense. He smudged the place with sage. We each smuged ourselves with palo santo. You can imagine how smokey the yurt was getting. I was already not feeling 100% from the long car ride and the day of running around. Plus, all that smoke was giving me a headache.

But I can handle anything! So we finally get our little cup of ayahuasca. Man this stuff was thick! It was like drinking spagetti sauce. And it was the nastiest thing I have ever put in my mouth. But I got it down and drank some water to rinse my mouth. I sit in my spot and start doing some breathing exercises. A while later, I got nothin! No visuals, no high, Nothin! So about 2 hours in, the shaman offers a second dose. Since I am feeling nothing I go for my second does. Got that down and drank my water no problem. I go sit in my spot and continue waiting. By this time people all around me are tripping, purging, crying, all kinds of stuff. But I still got nothin. And I'm getting pissed! I leave the yurt and all the smoke and go outside for some fresh air, all the while geting more and more pissed. Eventually the ceremony ends and everyone heads into the kitchen for a hang out and some soup. I'm just feeling pissed off, sick and headachey. Then one of the organizers tells me that it is common for people to not have an experience their first time. It's like Mother Ayahuasca getting to know you. I really wish someone had told me this before! I now understand that she was saying to me, "Oh you're a black belt? You can handle anything? OK punk, let's see how you handle nothin!"

Saturday: On Saturday I was still feeling sick and headachey and was in a general bad mood. At this point I was ready to tap out and go home. But I paid and I decided to soldier on. Ceremony starts again around 7:30 with the same smoke filled yurt and the smoke is just making me miserable. I take my nasty little cup of sludge and sit back in my spot. At this point I've pretty much given up and am ready for another night of misery and nothing else. A little while later, my lips start to feel a little tingley. Ok that's something. Then my legs feel funny. Well this is something. So I decide to close my eyes and see what happens. I start to get a little bit of visuals but not much. then they start to intensify and I am in full DMT space. Finally something!

DMT space continues for about an hour and I can almost hear her say, "OK kid, you got your fractals, you got your pretty colors. You happy now? Good, let's get to work." Then I started a little coughing. Then a little more coughing. Then more coughing. It got to the poiint I was coughing my brains out and spitting everything into my bucket. This went on for hours! I was coughing up bad stuff from decades ago. She reached into my lungs and ripped them out. Then a few hours later, I was done coughing and I could breathe! I had no idea that I couldn't breathe before. She gave me a new set of lungs. And then the sweating started. I was sweating like I was in a shower. It was on of the most refreshing sweats I've ever had. Towards the end of the ceremony the shaman had stopped the icaros and turned on some chill new age type music. One of the songs that came on was a catholic monks choir. As I listened to this I was transported into a cathedral made of angel wings that were made of golden white light. and the angels were singing me home. and they were calling me "SanMiguel."
After the ceremony I went back into the kitchen and hung out with all the wonderful people, hugging and eating and just being together.

Sunday: Sunday I woke up feeling soooo much better. My headache was gone. My sick feeling was gone. My mood was greatly improved. AND I COULD BREATHE! Most of the people spent the day mostly on their own in quiet reflection and I did as well. As usual the ceremony started again around 7:30. We went into the yurt and this time the smoke didn't bother me at all! In fact it was quite pleasant. I took my dose of Ayahuasca and sat in my spot and waited. Once again I got the beautiful DMT space for about an hour and then it was right to work. This bitch held up a mirror to me showing me everything I don't like about myself. Everything I've ever done wrong or anyting I didn't like. At first I thought this was unfair, but in reality she wasn't judging me, she was just showing my own feelings and judgements about myself. And believe me, there is no more brutal and merciless judge than yourself. That bitch don't fight fair!
By the time that was over I was a quivering pool of self loathing slime. She then put me back together with love and gentleness so that I could once again function in the world.

Monday: Monday, the last night. Surely this time was going to be easier. She was pretty rough on me the night before and I was hoping for an easier time.
As usual the ceremony started around 7:30 and again the smoke was pleasent. I was in a good mood looking forward to my last night. Once again I was in DMT space for about an hour before the work started. But this time the DMT space was incredible. I had heard the phrase, "take your breath away" my whole life but I did not really understand in until this very moment. The DMT world I was in was so beautiful I literally could not breathe. Then it was time to get to work.
I grew up a severely abused child. I'm talking horror movie level stuff. And it has left me very damaged. Mother Aya decided to take me back to my childhood to re-experience all of it. It was the hardest most brutal night of my life. It was a this point that I realized that my angels had left me and I noticed that mother Aya had left me as well. I was left alone with the darkness and evil that is inside of me. And it was winning. I was fighting for my very soul... and I was losing. Then the shaman spoke up with, "a little more?" offering the second dose in his sweet Spanish accent. I knew I needed help to fight the darkness and I decided to take the second dose. As I made that decision I heard the darkness growl, "Don't you fucking dare!". I knew I wasn't gonna make it without Mother Aya's help so I tried to get up to go get the second dose, but my body wouldn't move. The darkness wouldn't let me. I got scared but I knew I had to make it up there so I managed to rock my body onto my knees and crawled on my hands and knees to get that second dose, dragging my bucket with me because I was still purging and with Darkness screaming at me to stop, the whole time. I got the second dose in me (barely) managed to crawl back to my spot as my body tried to purge out the second dose. But I didn't let it. I kept it in for as long as I could.
At one point I was curled up on my elbows and knees whimpering when my brother put his angel talisman that I had made him next to me along with a slice of Ayahuasca vine.
It was in this position that I hear the words "Get up and fight" come out of my mouth. As I walked my hands back along the floor, my hand fell on the piece of Ayahuasca vine and it felt like a blessing from the land. That little tiny blessing gave me the strength to keep fighting. I sat up and hung my head in my bucket and started purging again. I purged in every way imaginable. I cried, I sweat like I was in a shower, I had snot running down my face, I was whimpering, I was moaning, I had spit and puke running down my chin. It was terrible. Eventually the ceremony ended, and as one of the organizers was blessing me with Florida Water, I hugged him and said, "This sucks! Let's do it again."
I stayed in the yurt for a long time after everyone had left. I was still purging till 3 or 4 am when I managed to make it to the kitchen building and go to bed. But I wasn't done. I was up peeing every 10 minutes for long time. Then aroung 5 or 6 in the morning I purged once out the backside and it was over. I managed to collapse in my bed and sleep for a couple of hours. The next morning we left for Montreal and after we dropped my stuff off in my apartment and my brother left, I started crying like a baby. I cried on and off for several days. I was just so raw and so open. Everything felt so overwhelming. I took several walks in the park. I hugged many trees and just tried to take things slow. I eventually got back to a normalised state and went back to my routine.

After: So what has this left me with? Well, I CAN BREATHE! I swear I didn't know I couldn't breathe bofore this. The low grade headache I've had for years is gone. My mild case of car sick I've had for several years is gone. I've never felt so clean in my life.
And the flowers, OMG the flowers! Flowers are now lit up like glowing neon signs to me. I mean I can spot these thing from down the street.
Aslo I'm about 25% less angry than I used to be. Also about 25% less stressed, and I would describe a feeling of being 25% softer.

Like I said. THis sucks. Let's do it again.