Ayahuasca ceremony night 1 of 2

This is going to be long and possibly boring but my ego is itching to share‼️ random things you should know; setting: drove about 3 hours to a Native American church on the east coast for a weekend of ceremonies here in the US. There were I think 11 of us and the shaman along with three of his associates. We were all in a open room that was dark with our beds probably 2 feet from the next person. First night was pretty challenging for me as I’m a super introvert and naturally don’t trust others. First ceremony began basically as soon as the last couple arrived so there was no socializing before drinking brew. I went into this as an atheist/nihilist. Only done lsd twice. Intentions were to possibly confront some traumas, ptsd, depression along with other things and also I hoped I would have some sort of spiritual experience to give me the hope to rise out of the darkness I was living in.Began with our intentions, followed by drinking and then going to our beds. After 30 minutes I consumed second cup and wasn’t feeling anything until about 40 minutes in. Started out sitting in a lawn chair reclined next to my bed with my bucket bc I felt super nauseous early on but held it in. I constantly feared interrupting others journeys to the point of not moving the entire 4 hours. Began feeling the effects slowly starting with intense confusion and slight fear. There were tapestry’s everywhere some with images that began to scare me, I felt as if they were angry entities or aliens just staring through my soul and at this time (1hour in) I also began hearing others. Some were up moving around, some were talking, throwing up, and the guy to my left began alternating between crying loudly/weeping and then laughing like the joker(sinister laugh) it scared me bc clearly he is going through it and I’m barely feeling shit, anyway that lead me to feel overwhelmingly scared and I felt a super dark energy coming from him to the point I couldn’t look his direction or I thought I’d die. So I spent the rest of this trip with my head in my lap, slumped over, over 3 hours slowly falling forward out of my chair. Then the experience began. First with my eyes closed I started to feel this emotion of mourning mixed with abandonment mixed with pure infinite loneliness. No hallucinations, just emotions. After spending more time in this state than I wanted I opened my eyes for first time after a hour or so and first thing I see is my arms folded underneath me in my lap and I have tattoos from my knuckles up and I didn’t recognize myself. I kept thinking to myself, this isn’t who I am. I weirdly remember trying to rub my tattoos off. Once I acknowledged the fact that as a individual I have spent my entire life’s energy projecting possibly the exact opposite of who I truly am at my core. The experience shifted at this moment.We’re approximately 2 1/4 hours in and now I close my eyes again and I see this girl. I don’t know her but I recognize her as the chick sitting directly across from me. I feel as if I’m staring at her for days and idk what to do. And then I realize how beautiful she is not because I’m attracted to her but because I see her flaws. I fell in love with a persons flaws that I’ve never spoken to. Next I find myself in a void of darkness, I can’t see anything but I am in fact still experiencing something profound. I am at this point, seeing parts of my life flash before my eyes and I am being judged.... I was the judge though. I had kept a subconscious in inventory of every choice I have ever made and I already knew that as of up until that moment, I had made all the wrong choices and I am failing myself. By that I mean i have neglected my true self and let outside things influence who I projected to be. I have never been a bad person. Never. As a result of my judgement it threw me back into this infinite void of loneliness and I began sobbing quietly as I was slumped over in my lap. It lasted soooo long. I went through a range of emotions from guilt, shame, anger, mourning, and that led me to the thought of my mother. I’m a 28 yo man that’s had a fair amount of serious issues mentally as I now understand stem directly from the abandonment I experienced from both parents ESPECIALLY my mother. First I felt hate and resentment towards her, and then I had this hallucination of me having experiences as my mother when she was a child. Followed by an epiphany. I instantly understood why I am this way and that I have to forgive her in order to move forward in life. This was a intense unexpected experience. 3ish hours in I’d say, I opened my eyes and I couldn’t see but I could feel and hear. I was a newly formed baby in a fetus and I could feel myself dying inside the womb. It was the saddest shit I have ever felt. I realized that I was in my current wife’s womb and I was in the process of moving on. (We had a miss carriage 3 months before this ceremony and it never even bothered me, I wasn’t sad because I believed the baby wasn’t aware as it wasn’t formed enough) after I died in this womb I experienced a birth of some sort. In reality the shaman was trying to lift me back up as I was completely limp and falling forward out of my chair while weeping. I was not in my body. As I was born I opened my eyes for what I thought was first time ever. I wasn’t controlling my body but I was like watching from outside myself. I grabbed the bucket in front of me and I knew I was about to purge. I felt this bubble deep inside me growing and it rose up and I threw up. I felt like I was a toad when its throat swells up. When I vomited in the bucket what I seen was a infant being born out of my mouth and the baby was me. And I was instantly completely sober and confused. Weird thing happened the following morning. I’m first up and go in restroom to brush teeth and someone walks in behind me. This is a one person bathroom so I’m like woah! I turn around and I see this mother fucking chick that sat across from me. Never spoke before this and she follows me alone into the restroom. I’m awkward as is and she says this may sound fucking weird but last night during the ceremony, you were with me visiting my grandmother and I felt I needed to share that with you. This is the first time in my life that my awkwardness and fear was absent entirely. I felt connected to her in a way I never felt. Of course I told her right there in the bathroom about her being part of my experience as well as weird as it sounded. Sorry for the long post but I could have went into much more detail. The second night shit all over this experience in intensity and would probably be longer than this so I won’t post it on here unless I feel it’s wanted. It was a full blown ego death. Shaman told me after everyone left that the second night I probably took as much as he’s ever seen a person consume in one sitting and that in his opinion I went through one of the most intense experiences he has administered