Snakes

It was too much, too strong. What the hell did Vine do to me? I couldn't stop shaking! I closed my eyes and I was gone, transported into a world of stereoscopic fractals. The anger was building up; I could see it, red in my mind and ready to pounce on me like a starving lion. I wasn't ready for this.

It had been about six months since Vines and I camping trip and we were both ready to try again. We were at his place as we decided to stay inside after the trouble in the wilderness with the tent last time. Vine had also devised a way to produce a drink for us that removed the material that caused us to purge. It also made it possible to reduce the liquid down to about the size of a shot glass. This greatly reduced the horrific tastes we would have to endure while making it so we could absorb more of the active material. We also found that the MAOI that we used was a reversible MAOI, making it possible to eat some food before and after our session, just being cautions not to eat too much. That made us feels a bit better.

Vine handed me my shot glass, its cold glass feel chilled my skin. "See you on the other side" I said smiling. I was trying to be brave but also thinking about my last real experience, being destroyed by the crazy alien being. I was scared and was trying to as respectful as I could have been to the plant spirits.

For me spirits were like how some people believe in ghosts. If anyone asks them if they believe in ghosts with the lights on and are surrounded by people, they would reply with, “no, of course there is no such thing.” If though by chance they were alone at home by themselves after a terrifying movie, the slightest sound would terrify them. I for one believed in scientific explanations for reality, but when I had an excess amount of DMT in my body, the spirits were as real in my mind as anything else.

Vine knocked back his shot glass and I did after him. We sat down on the ground and I wrapped myself in a blanket.  Twenty minutes had passed."You feel anything yet?" "Maybe something, I don’t know?". I looked down at the rug that we had sat on and then it hit me like a freight train, the cold steel crashing into my body and the shock of death. I remembered that feeling, freezing, losing control, dying. The colors of Vine’s rug that we sat on started to wiggle and grow out towards me. I quickly got up and walked to the bathroom ready to purge my guts out, I didn't feel sick, I felt poisoned. I tried to purge but nothing would come out. It was too late, everything had been absorbed. Vine was near my side helping me back to the rug. I immediately lost control of my legs and fell, Vine catching me. We shuffled over to our carpeted spot and I immediately started to feel better. I wrapped back up in my blanket and drifted off into the black cold darkness, the space between our eyes, the final frontier.

The red had grown so bright that I didn't know where to run any longer. It was time to pay the piper, I thought. "Why do you do this to me! You hate me, but I am you!" the shadow yelled at me from within the red space. I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll change. "aghh" the sound of frustration could be heard. I didn't believe myself. I realized that I had been bad to myself, too hard on myself, expecting the impossible. I was truly sorry, but the shadow would never understand, it was pure hate, pure negative, disappointment in myself, it was part of me the Dweller. It made it hard for me to breath.

A few months ago I had dreamed that I awoke in my room, an out of body experience if you will. I walked down the hallway and turned around. I had a feeling that something was coming for me. It was that same feeling I had years before with the grim reaper. I saw a figure appear in the distance of the hallway. It was first a figment of my imagination produced from the shadows of the contours of the walls, but soon it moved and was a visible figure. It was the Dweller. The Dweller started to move towards me and I felt the fear start to over take me. Run I thought, run! I stood my ground. It became closer, I must run or I'll die. I held my ground. It stopped moving. "Sit with me," I said to the Dweller, out of my surprise. The Dweller sat down as I looked into its face. I noticed a familiar face, it was my face. "What is wrong?" I asked as it had the look of depression and frustration on its face. "I'm disappointed." "About what?" "I'm just disappointed," it replied. I felt sorry that I had created this monster that now roams around as nightmares in my dreams, the Dweller was part of me. Somehow I was scaring myself pretending to be something else and I didn’t even know I was doing it.

I fell into a pit. My psychedelic roller-coaster continued. I fell in the darkness until a light could be seen coming from below me. The light expanded and flames could be seen. Demons were waiting for me and the fire of hell flowed in all direction. I was in domain of hell. I did the only thing I could think of, I started laughed hysterically. To me it was so typical, something out of The Divine Comedy: Dante Inferno. It was just so obvious and predictable. I didn't know how to react to the experience; the idea that something so real could be created by my resourceful imagination that was still so predictable and so typical that I knew it had to be fake. Years ago I may have even thought my hellish domain was a reality that I like Dante was traveling into the depths of hell to pay for my sins. Now I knew better. Religion and the thought process of whoever wrote those books like the Bible and the Koran suddenly started to make made sense to me. Those poor people from our religious history must have scared themselves to the point they believed their delusions, their hallucinations, and their dreams. It felt so real to me, and if I lived thousands of years ago, I would have believed it too. Those who created these ideas then forced others to believe, or convinced them to. I understood now how under the influence or being in altered states, it’s pretty easy to believe some crazy things.

The hell scene continued for a period of time. But soon I was able to open my eyes. Vine was now sitting in a chair mumbling to himself, taking notes frantically. He was always more scientific about our experiences then me. Our drinks also didn't affect him the same way they did me. He was in some kind of strange psychological loop."It’s too loud in here" he would say. I told him that I was simply whispering, and then he would talk about how tired he was followed by him calmly smiling and then he would start over, “It’s too loud in here.” This repeated for about a good hour or so. Myself, I had somehow released a split personality, the Trickster, and now was babbling on telling jokes and laughing at myself.

When ever I have DMT in my system I talk to myself. I talk so much to myself that I feel as though I am really having a conversation with someone. From my experiences I have conclude that while I am stable and sober many personalities produce my coherent internal dialog, normally focused into one voice. These personalities are so indistinguishable as they make myself up, that it’s impossible to determine them apart, the collective unconscious makes the conscious self. DMT somehow separates this mechanism allowing me to express myself as many different people, different archetypes that take form and produce my visions. These visions and personalities make up the world I plunge into and allow for my deeper self to express themselves in ways I didn’t know were possible. I am able to council myself and somehow build a relationship with myself because while altered, I act as a single personality or the collective. In these states I am able to learn from myself. Very deep stuff.

At home the door to my closet was slightly cracked. The small muffled sounds of music could be heard coming from within. I was lying behind the closed doors, the small enclosure, now had become my rocket ship.

My eyes were closed and I had headphones on. As the music changed tones from song to song so did my visions. I was in a large room, light was coming from above and while I looked up it became brighter. I felt as though if I had gone towards that light I would never come back alive it was the other side and I was not ready. Out of good judgment I elected to ignore it. The music soon changed.

The jungle surrounded me as I became lost in the vines of the trees. The sound of birds calling could be heard in the distance, loins close enough that they seemed as though they were right next to my ears. A fine light rays shined through the canopy, slightly illuminating the ground around me. A thick branch ahead of me began to move, spinning itself around and heading towards me. I focused in on the branch and noticed that this was not a branch, but a giant snake.

The snake wrapped around me, warm to its touch and none threading. It felt kind and understanding; it knew why I was there. It opened its mouth and swallowed me, and as I wiggled into its belly its head would appear from the shadows of its innards and it would swallow me again. It was a giant loop, swallowing again and again. I wasn't scared and soon I was lying in the jungle again and the snake was slithering off, its large scales reflecting rainbows of light as it moved. I would remember this.

I live
I die
I learn
I forget
I do it all again