Fox L'shra

Mind you and go into this knowing this is morning after thoughts. Im so obsessed with being self sufficient that i am terrified of asking for help or telling what i want or don't sometimes, so much i don't even know what l want sometimes. Im so terrified of saying anything because anything but positive reaction can send me spiralling in self hatred paranoia and anger. Im obsessed with making sure people are happy with me because i can't stand myself. Im still standing as a placeholder for my own brain of "you're not good enough try harder" mom. And all the while im furious with myself because i want to and for help and admit I'm wrong or i need help but i have such a heavy sense of shame surrounding it that i just brush everything off as "haha nah it's good" even when it's not. I can be screaming in my own head to ask for help and ill still nervous smile and go "haha nope im good" Bc  often when im asked if im okay i have tears sting in the back of my eyes and i just auto force them down and shit myself down before i even get to speak. Im obsessed with what others are doing because i don't find myself interesting and a lot of attempts at finding myself so are met with something akin to the perpetual taste of muddy road water. Im also obsessive over if people think im good or cool Or interesting enough to be around. Because i don't feel like i am. I need to find friends that don't make me uncomfortable and that i don't feel are built off of healthy habits because I don't have much of any of those consistently. But in order to have good healthy friends i need to figure out how to not be so obsessive about being self sufficient in my brain space and accept that im desperate for approval and praise because if feel empty and useless otherwise. I feel like an empty useless doll if someone isn't fawning over me and that's an issue. I need to not be so obsessed with. attention. Even now just sitting looking at this I feel bland and half assed. The moment i get a single bit of praise my brain will cling and go "hehe see im perfect and amazing" til i don't have the direct attention again then ill get depressed and self bullying again. Sub note: I can remember a moment during the trip where i looked outside my window and in a square made of branches in the redwood i could see an old childhood hallucination grin down at me and i muttered to myself "ah, so this is what a bad trip is." Half an hour before it went sour. There's always a part of me, fox that they are that always when i trip that will look down at me and simply say "silly little monkey brain. Why panic about the mundane? So boring". I've found myself able to simply choose to not feel pain or simply vomit out a panic attack in a glob of stomach bile and snot, and then move on. It always comes to the same conclusion: Panic/sadness/anger/etc. Is boring. I know that one too well. I chose to jump into this empty shell to see what being human is all so exciting for. This is boring and clearly not it. On another note, is anyone else ravenous for meat fruit/fruit juices and root vegetables while tripping.