Micah

I have been in a depressive funk since my last trip. Actually, it has been since the last three trips that I have been in a funky mess.  So, four trips ago I had the ecstatic realization that I am in a game, and I won, and in that trip I met my avatar. It was exciting to learn, but I came out not knowing what to do with this information. Then, after going back I felt as though I was offered a choice to return to the game or stay in the realm. I chose to stay in the game and ever since then all my trips have been a reminder that I chose to stay and that I am essentially locked in. The depression centers on “what now” and while I don’t want to go back into the DMT realm I always feel compelled to return. However, each time I return there is a clear message that I am locked in. The feeling is overwhelming while I am in the DMT space and I feel a deep sadness about the knowledge of reality. The game is an absoluteness which cannot be stopped. This has left me in a funk to say the least. The drug uncovers so much yet the information fades away as quickly as it arrives.  The “ness” of the trips lingers on, but without the information to process I quickly become the stupid monkey over and over again. The stupid monkey keeps wanting to return to “fix” the funk and turn the page to the next chapter. The stupid monkey keeps reading other’s experiences of Gaia, cosmos traveling, Mother, God, and spiritual enlightenment, and the stupid monkey thinks he’ll meet them too. He doesn’t, and according to my “breakthroughs” he never will.  The stupid monkey will probably go back again. This last trip (four hours ago) hit me on the back of the head, and I basically saw my intentions of coming to the same space over and over and over and over like Groundhog Day. Literally just like Bill Murray’s character I have reached the same place that I was before. The same fucking place! Infinite times. Infinite fucking times LOL. I have to laugh because how pathetic is that? You know how people say they’ve been there before? Yeah, well I have, and the joke is on me. Here’s the rub. Immediately coming out; while the shit is still zippy da-doing all over the fucking place in this awake reality (the irony is epic), I feel absolute in my discovery of my choice, my state of awareness, and the hopelessness of my situation. In fact, twice now, I can recall coming out saying “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad”. This time I curled up on my bed and asked myself “How many times have you done this?” which echoed. It fucking echoed as if to say, “a fucking lot dude”.  As I sat up and looked at myself in the mirror, still looking like a fucking digital cartoon,  I said outload “at least you get to forget it all, at least you will forget it all” and sure as shit the memory wipe came zooming through me like a freaking cleanup crew for Men In Black. What’s the takeaway? Well, right now I am not depressed anymore, so that’s a good thing. I mean it is gone. Zero, nada. I just hope it lasts because I’m sure I’ve fucked my serotonin levels hard this time. However, this time does feel different, and I actually feel more pissed than anything, and that’s a new feeling for me. I’m pissed because knowing I’m a fuckup in the DMT realm doesn’t inspire me for having a great afterlife.  But really, I’m cool. I understand. I have to do the work. I have to level up. No shortcuts. No magic wands. The spoon is going to have to be a fucking a spoon for the next thirty or so years. This life is all me. Fuck   P.S. I see emblems (like in my post’s picture) repeatedly (every fucking time like clockwork) which no one has described (at least no one I’ve run into), and it has been driving me mad to figure it out. This last trip gave me the clearest image yet. If anyone has seen a similar reoccurring object please let me know. The stupid monkey is still curious.

Photo credit: Viktor Koen “The AOI” About two weeks ago I discovered my Avatar face to face, and I was absolutely blown away. Terrance McKenna had it right about “Death by Astonishment”. All prior trips were in my summation an adjustment stage to normalize the unknow within my psyche, or in other words prepping me to not explode.   I have done three extraction rounds of MHRB 100g thus far, and apart from a couple doses I have consumed most of the extract on my own. I say this to paint the picture that I have been exploring more than the average bear, and while I attribute the slow uptake to my stubbornness toward the mystic, I have learned that some woo is necessary to participate fully. I am still skeptical about the religious, and or ceremonial implications surrounding DMT, but I recognize that some people need this to make their own senses and meanings. That said, I do think our existence here is not the base of our existence. So, what do I mean by this? When I met my Avatar, like I said, my mind was absolutely blown away. I was ecstatic, astonished, happy, sad, and left with the implication that me, the ego in the monkey suit is more than a physical object in this physical world, free to write my story.  So, I sold everything I have accumulated, confronted all my fears, stood up for myself, and I have taken charge of my life. Just kidding. I'm still an ego in a monkey suit.  That’s the funny thing about this drug, it has the power to peel you apart until you are nothing yet everything and then it dumps you back into this realm with little more than a whisper of what was experienced. Add on top of this that the “ah ha!” begins to fade over the days and sooner than later becomes replaced with doubt. So, like any good explorer I smoked more. The next trip was ego separation on high gear. Zero turbo lag on this round. I did not get rocketed through the universe. I did not see “Mother”. I did not speak to God. I did not meet the octopus, or Zeus, or my neighbors lost cat. Nope, I met the players, and meeting them made me feel sick.   Before I go into my profound discovery, I want to preface this that I think there is a possible reason for why my experiences are so different than other’s accounts, so please don’t think I am speaking for everyone when I recount my experience. I think our journey varies from starting point to starting point and perhaps my accounting illustrates where my essence’s starting point began. Okay, so on to the profound. The rush consisted of all the symbols and objects I had seen before and they were folding in on themselves with DMT language "bup bip loop bop slurd ot" racing along side the imagery. Additionally, the symbols were running in parallel with a sequence of introductions from other players who have experienced my player through my avatar. Some were excited and some were apologetic about what they did. What? Players experiencing my player and they were fucking with my player? Yes, and this is when I began to feel sick. My player was in a sedation of sorts, and there were technicians tending to my player’s interface with the machine that links my avatar to the player. For the sake of storytelling, I am going to say “I” in reference to my player from here on. “I” was able to look around and see the machines, other players, and techs,  as well as open my avatar’s eyes to see the version of reality my avatar exists in. The avatar’s reality composited over my machine view and I was seemingly presented with a choice to stop playing or to return to the game. The choice seemed like I had no real choice but to return. The choice was sickening, sad, and deterministic. I really felt too tired and sick to stay I rolled back into my avatar like rolling off a bed into a pool. As soon as I made this choice my Avatar’s eyes reopened and I was back, but I was back filled with the same sickness in my stomach and I felt exhausted by the entire experience. The earth realm was still being expressed in moving geometry, but that didn’t matter, it was normal, it was unimpressive to me. I cried, and rolled off the bed onto my hands and knees while the floor zig-zagged in and out of octagonal extrusions. Enlightenment was the last thing I was ever going to feel, and the retching in my stomach began to overwhelm me. I then fell to my side feeling pity for myself until I remembered that I didn’t have to feel this way. Right there on the floor I said to myself “this feeling is your choice.” I could choose to feel sadness or not. I then sat up, took a breath, and stood up and cleaned up my gear telling myself "My emotions are my choice". I then stuck up to middle fingers and said “Fuck you” with the thought that I am going to keep playing anyway. The next few days I was hesitant to go back. I had no desire to return and face that reality again, but as I have come to learn, I am a very stubborn human. I could not leave this chapter as my final chapter with DMT, and so I planned to return. It took a few more days for me to become brave enough, and when I finally did, I cleared my mind, lit the candle, and took in three deep hits. My plan was to go in eyes closed but DMT had other ideas. Upon the third hit it was too late to close my eyes, and immediately I was presented with the construct. The construct is for lack of better words, like the Matrix. It is like a loading area, or holo-deck similar to Star Trek, where the walls resemble earth reality, but the earth reality is simply a projection onto the walls of the construct. This construct was revealed to me when I met my avatar. It is the quietest place you could imagine with no DMT vibrations, hums, or music to be found. My prior choice to stay was apparent, with no profound meaning, or imagery to gather. Yep, I chose to stay in Earth reality and the option to leave was off the table. Again, as soon as the choice was apparent, I was pulled back into the Earth realm. Once again, I felt the urge to vomit. This time I said okay, lets vomit. I walked to the restroom and submitted to vomiting. I leaned over the toilet and with one gag it was over.  No vomit, okay then. I instantly felt relieved like I had purged something out of me. Was this symbolic, or just a nervous reaction to DMT?  I cannot say except that I did not feel sick or upset about the previous experience anymore. I have smoked more since then, but only with my eyes open. I have decided to learn more about what is around us rather than focus on the other side of the Avatar. I have chosen to do this because simply knowing this reality is a game is enough for me, and I want to know more about the game to maximize my playing experience. Resolving the issue of my player being a pin-cushion for other players to poke at still does not sit well with me, but that’s coming from my earth based ability to understand complexities outside my capacity to do so. I would like to think I don’t fully understand, and that a multi-tier simulation is just a misunderstanding which will be worked out later. For now, my experiences moving forward are precious to me, and I look forward to continuing my learning. My hope is to level up and get out of the confinement my player has found itself in, and or move to the next level, whatever that may be. It seems as though there is plenty more to explore here and I am eager to keep going.   On a side note. There are these lights which surround me while taking in DMT. They are becoming more and more bold each time, and I am not sure if they are interested in what I am doing or if they are seeking the DMT smoke. I say this because it seems as though whenever I pull in another hit the vaporizer appears to be under a spotlight. It glows bright and I can see my fingers casting shadows on the casing from the overhead light.  After the hit they begin to circle me, with one almost always parking to my right shoulder. I have tried speaking to them in my mind and letting them know I am not afraid of them. I have told them thank you for hanging with me, but there hasn’t been any interaction except for them moving around me. Their light illuminates the walls as they move. Some are white, some are red or magenta.  The more I smoke the more they seem to enter the space around me. Their motions are slow, and if I try to look at the light directly, they disappear. They then gradually reappear if I just look forward. In earlier closed eye trips, I remember the same light and warmth of the light rotating around me, so I am guessing they were not in the DMT realm, but rather earthly bound.  What's even more strange is that I am starting to think I see their light while not taking DMT which is interesting to me. Has the drug affected my brain into seeing delusional experiences, or am I simply more aware now of these things thanks to having experienced them? Fuck if I know. There are only a few explanations I have come up with so far. 1. The drug is stimulating my optic nerves with the appearance of light and my brain is automatically filling in the blank that light equals heat. 2. Aliens 3. Spirits 4. Aliens 5. Fairies  LOL 6. Demons 7. My neighbors lost cat, or just fucking aliens. I hope you enjoyed my read, and I look forward to hearing what you guys think. Thank you!  

To boldly go. To discover. I am beside myself with what to do next, except to keep going. I witnessed my avatar on Saturday, and on Sunday I was so excited about discovering proof beyond doubt that we are more than just this. More than religion. More than our dogmas. Today it settled in, and I still don't know what to do, so like any obsessed explorer I doubled down and went deeper. Eyes wide open is my new preference. Why? Because you get to remember everything, and you get to see the truth behind our world. I sit in front of my closet mirror because seeing myself means more to me than an object or nature. (though nature DMT trips are exceptional) In order to accomplish what I have I must load my PAX with what I estimate to be 1/4 teaspoon, maybe a little more. Then I inhale. I inhale over and over and over. I keep it going for as long as I can and then I inhale more. There is a threshold where all the pretty colors and moving object stop. The room goes deafening quiet. The light goes ultra bright and then... Click. The room is no longer your room. Sitting there, in front of you is you. You see you. The real you, which is not you, but it is you. It is not your name. It is not your face (though it looks like you). It is the game. Your avatar. That was Saturday. The day my mind was blown. Today I went back, and I came right up to the threshold. I went for the next inhale to push me through and the PAX turned off.  I laughed. That was my fault. Just a single slip of concentration brings you right back to your ass on the carpet. LOL I reloaded the PAX and went back in. This time I decided to not cross the threshold and instead witness the environment. I pushed and I pushed through. The PAX felt like it was on fire (a common feeling despite it not being hot) and the smoke was really starting to burn my throat. Then something amazing happened. I have felt light before. Usually on a shoulder, but this time there were at least three lights. They came through my window, and began to orbit my body. I could feel their warmth. I felt like this was the next step. They orbited my head faster and faster. I could feel energy rising like something was about to happen. I said "I'm ready" and the light began to enter me. The image I have attached hits me as how the light moved, but not of course a ring of lights. More of orbs, one a soft yellow, one magenta, and another green or blue. Then that was it. I couldn't continue the smoking anymore. I was spent. I then felt like I was supposed to vomit. I didn't feel like vomiting. I hate vomiting. I didn't argue and I said okay. I went to the bathroom, got on my knees and said "I can't believe I'm doing this" and I retched. Nothing came out but a sound. I said “what is this a ceremonial vomit?” and that was it. Today I am unsure. What do I do next? I know about the game but I can’t feel it. How quickly I have adapted to the idea that we are more than this. I think it is time fore a vacation. Anyway, yeah. There it is. I would like to say try it, but it may leave you with more questions than answers. What were the light orbs? Are they terrestrial or are they from outside the construct? Are they helpful, benign or other? Are they even a conscious thing? Yikes!