Fantasia

Last night at 3:37 p.m., I ingested 6 grams of a strain of Psilocybe cubensis that I'm sure most of you are familiar with, the renowned Penis Envy. I do not have exact times of my experiences because in my confusion, I turned off my laptop that had been documenting my trip and lost the recording. A lot of my experience is hazy, and I can't remember the exact sequence of events, but I will try my best. I have had a handful of experiences with psychedelics, mostly with mushrooms and a few times with LSD. I felt I was ready to go into the deep end as I have had some pretty intense trips before and was certain I could handle it. I had been preparing for this journey for the past week or so, eating clean, doing yoga, meditating, pranayama, etc, etc. I didn't have an exact intention for this trip other than transformation, but my true "intention" was for the Mushrooms to show me whatever they felt I needed to see. After coating the mushrooms in peanut butter and ingesting them, I sat at my altar in my dark, newly cleaned room and did my pranayama before meditating, for I wanna say around ten minutes(?), until I started hearing a thrumming in my ears, to which I then laid down in my bed. It started off as the usual fuzzy blissful feeling I usually feel, the one where I can't wipe the grin off my face and I have the giggles as I watch the swirls of paint on my ceiling dance, then the visions started to become more noticeable and distinguished, strands of DNA swirling around, bursts of light, and something I had not experienced before this trip, I started seeing my family behind my eyelids, except not as they are now, but as they were when I was younger. They were speaking, but it was as if they were on mute, and they would frequently make strange faces at me, like grinning uncomfortably wide or sticking their tongues out at me. Sometimes, they would point to something that I could not see with a look of shock on their faces. Eventually, my child self joined them in the vision, and there were a few instances where old memories began playing in my head that I had completely forgotten about. Soon enough though, the images of my family faded and were replaced by something I am much more familiar with, a kind of... mechanical cell. I watched it breathe for a while before remembering that if I looked closer, the "branches" of the cell would turn into mushrooms growing from it. But I think I looked closer than I usually do because suddenly the cell changed, black holes started surfacing from it, and I had the distinct feeling that I was being watched. Then I realized the "holes" were eyes, kind of resembling spider eyes. Then the cell changed again so that it was less of a cell and more... spaghetti-ish. The spaghetti was moving and pulsing and breathing everywhere, on all sides, observing, even when I opened my eyes. Opening my eyes brought to my attention that my body was covered in eyes and strange letters and / or symbols. I felt that this was what made things real, sort of like the idea of the angels in Dr. Who, except that instead of being frozen when seen, things need to be observed to have form, and this being is constantly observing. Sort of coming back to myself, I recognized that I had been rocking my head side to side and singing the most beautiful song I've heard before with words completely unfamiliar to me. Suddenly, I recalled a video I'd watched earlier in the day of Terrance Mckenna, he had said that if a mushroom trip ever became too much, to just tell the mushroom to "Be MDMA" or "Be LSD". Now remembering this, I obviously had to try it, and obviously, my drug of choice was DMT, a psychedelic I have not had the pleasure of doing before. I stopped singing and said aloud to my room, "Be DMT. "... But nothing changed. I fell into this almost trance-like state where I was just mumbling "Be DMT, be DMT" over and over again to the ceiling until I was suddenly snapped out of it by a loud feminine voice saying my name in reprimand, causing me to jump in surprise. She sounded exasperated and annoyed, so I quickly apologized and went back to silence. That was the first time I've had a being speak to me on psychedelics, and I had not been expecting it. After falling back to quiet, the spaghetti on my ceiling morphed once again, this time into a huge, never-ending spiral. So, like, take a single never-ending noodle from the mess of never-ending spaghetti and coil it into a spiral. The eyes were still on this noodle, but this time they were human eyes, and I had the impression that they were all the eyes of every human who has ever and will ever live. They were my eyes, blinking down at my empty husk of a body lying prone on my bed. My current eyes were also a part of this spiral, the spiral actually coming from my eyes. Looking at this infinite spiral it all became so obvious to me, I am not as special as I seemed to think I was, not in a narcissistic way, but in a way where I have always had the feeling that things that apply to normal people do not apply to me. For a simplified example, I believed I did not have the ability to change, but I do, and I must. Throughout the entirety of my experience, I felt like I was in search of something, I could barely recall who I was or what a word was, but I was looking for something, I needed to do something, but at this moment it all became so clear. There is nothing to find. We as humans are searching for something that can not be found because we are it. We complicate such a simple experience to the point where we ourselves are unrecognizable, much less the experience of life. We are born again and again and again to learn this lesson in particular. There is nothing else, this is it, a never-ending spiral until the end of time, and even further beyond then. Finally comprehending this seemed to please the mushrooms and I was taken to another scene, a large finger parting the fabric of the Universe, this finger morphing into the beautiful image of Shakti, the Hindu goddess swimming breaststroke in the "water" of the Universe, her many blue arms gliding her seamlessly through the starry water of the cosmos. I came to crying in the fetal position, my head in the lap of the goddess as I was lulled to sleep. Waking up in the morning, I checked my journal, which I had ended up grabbing at some point during my trip, and I would like to share what I wrote. “All I know is that I know nothing. It’s all so simple, there is nothing to find, we are all one mind, and that is fine. Everything seen, that is me. Everything done, it’s all one. We’ll learn it again, and again, and again, it will never end. Paige is nothing, she is not real, I am real.” So yk, the shrooms turned me into Dr. Suess. I'd like to add that the mess of spaghetti and spiral eyes looked like what I assume people see with bibilically accurate angels, the "All Seeing Eye." It's all seeing because every human makes up this mess of eyes. I hope you enjoyed my retelling of this crazy experience!