pathfinder

Hello, me! It's the other me. I am yet just another experience that is reading this through my other eyes. It's me. I'm you. I have always been you. And I love you! Now... let me tell you a small story. A story about plant medicine and healing. I just came back from Ayahuasca ceremony. And let me tell you… this has been the best experience in my life I've ever had. Ayahuasca showed me what I needed to see and helped remove the blocks that I have intentionally put there myself. Ayahuasca unlocked the door, opened my mind, opened my eyes and helped me remember who I am. Before I have only heard about other people experiences and only tried to imagine what it's like when you are "out there", what is this “outside” they are talking about, what is consciousness anyway, but… now I remember everything. We were a group about 8 people with different experiences, Perdo our shaman who guided us through this experience and two more people who overviewed the process. So if anything happened, they could also assist shaman and help us if needed. We opened the ceremony with a bonfire and a dance to energize ourselves. Then we proceeded to the healing. I never understood before why is it called plant medicine. Each of us with our own different problems, thoughts and intentions. We sat down on our designated mattresses. Pedro gave an opening speech and then… then I took my first shot. It's actually tasty. You know when you take medicine it doesn't taste good, but this is different. This is plant medicine. It’s all natural. Made by Mother Earth, made by you, made by the highest you, so that the smaller human body of you can experience the connection and remember everything. I felt the effects kicking in about half an hour. It was very slow. Unlike DMT I smoked before where you almost instantly already see colors, shapes, fractals and the whole construct is just broken into pieces. This is different. First my tongue got numb. Then I started to forget why am I even there. Then I remembered that I was a guy, who came to Ayahuasca ceremony to take the plant medicine, so I can remember. Everything up until this point in this person’s life, in MY life, has lead to this exact point in time. Meeting all the people, having hardships, breakups, frustration, disappointments, anger, hatred, everything I, this person on the mattress has experienced, has led ME to take this medicine, so I can remember who I am. I felt my mind slipping away. Slipping in and out of body. I felt like I can hear other people’s thoughts and mind. I understood that is my mind. We, these people in the group are one collective mind. I am me. The person on my right is me. The person on my left right is me. The shaman is me. But if I want, I can focus my consciousness on this particular body and experience things from his perspective. One experience at a time. I can still move my hands, feet, sit up and look around if I want to. Consciously. I just need to focus more on this body. Then I can move. If I don't focus, my mind is all around. All around the room. It’s running around, having fun, being free. Once I understood that, it was so funny, I just started to laugh. Other people also started to laugh. I don't know why they did it individually as people, but as a collective consciousness, it was funny. How could've I have ever forgotten who I am. It's so stupid, it's actually hilarious. It’s me, I’m God, I created this reality. I have just forgotten it. So we all had a hearty laugh. Shaman was singing healings songs for each of us individually. At some point I even though he is singing in my native language. And it was again very funny and we all bursted in laughter again. Sometime later the assistants came closer to ask how am I doing. I said: “This is great! Just what the doctor ordered”. I got offered the next shot, but I said that I'm good. I was having a blast. It was so beautiful that I cried a bit. When I was kind of already coming out of the experience, but wasn't fully present yet, I took another shot. And I laid down, relaxed and enjoyed the show. First shot was actually a bit scary, because I felt my heart racing. Not long after, I felt that this reality is now breaking apart. My consciousness started expanding. I remembered that I have created this experience for this person. My mind continued to expand every moment. I had “A-ha” moments one after another. Each breath was another realization of who I am and how could I ever have forgotten this. Each moment was "Oh, right! Aaah! Of course! I understood now! I remember now!" Each break I took in was “Aaaaah!” And then I reached the God level consciousness. I realized that I am the consciousness in the room. I am each person individually. I created them. I created you. I God. I am everything. I created this reality. I created this person who I writing this report now and made him exactly the way I intended. I intentionally created blocks in his mind and cut off from being able to remember. And I felt like I needed to give an apology to myself. To this person who is laying there on the mattress. "Dude, I'm so sorry I put you through all of this. You had to have this experience. I'm so, so, so sorry." And then I cried. Because I remember that I'm not the person on the mattress, but I'm me, I am God, I am consciousness, I am you who is reading this, I am the person next to me, I am everyone. I can only have one experience with two eyes at the same time. I now remember the words of Alan Watts: “We all know very well that after other people die, other people are born. And they’re all you, only you can only experience it one at a time.”. And it so true. And I have now experienced this. He knew this. I knew that. I have always know that. I have always had access to cosmos, the whole knowledge of the universe. I have simply forgotten how to do that while being stuck in down there in a body. I created you, I created everything you see around you. The material world is a construct. It's not real. It only exists in your mind. It only exists if you focus your consciousness on it. If you don't focus, the consciousness is always there. It’s all around. And when you focus your attention to this body, you can move it, feel and experience the world that You, I, have created. At one moment when I have realized all of this, I remembered that there once was a person who took Ayahuasca and is now laying on mattress having an experience. He has a life, a wife and child who are waiting for him to get home. It all seemed like a distant memory. It sort of happened in some reality. So I wanted to go back to that experience. It was familiar and welcoming. I remember that my wife said before I left the ceremony: "Please, come back to me". So I again started to focus on the body. It was difficult at first. I was tired. It was the middle of the night. Pedro kept singing in the background. Some people vomited, some screamed, some were sleeping and snoring and me… I was simply tired. I wanted to sleep. I couldn't sleep. There was no time, no reality, only consciousness that exists all the time. I felt like I was stuck in a loop. I kept thinking about how I, the person that came here to this ceremony, that we all took Ayahuasca and... it just kept repeating. Like a loop. Everything up until this point has lead me to this. Remembering who I am. And I have accomplished that. The mission is over. No reason to continue having an experience at all. It was like a never ending loop. Time just bending on it’s self. Consciousness is all around. Always. I AM. Always. The thing is… you have to FOCUS the consciousness on one thing, in this case you have focus on this particular body to be able to experience that life. And I intentionally came back to this body to continue having this life and this experience. I was able to think clearly like never before. I have now remembered everything and understood everything. I remembered that there was a guy who took Ayahuasca and in that dimension where time exists it will eventually evaporate from the body and he will wake up from this trip. And I said "Thank you! I understand now." And slowly I was coming back to this body. I wanted to. I could stay. I can stay up there in the upper level of consciousness if I want to. But it's boring. Nothing happens. Everything is a construct. I... I want to experience my own creatiion. I created this world and I want to see what I have created from inside, from this level of consciousness, from this body, from these two eyes. I can't experience food, hug, when I am there. I can experience this when my consciousness is down here. I now realize I'm talking to myself. I have always talked to myself. You the person reading this, you are me. I'm essentially having a conversation with myself every single time I’m talking to someone. It's amazing. It's beautiful. You are all my creation. And I love you so much. And me, this person who drank Ayahuasca and was full of hatred, depression, anxiety, felt like losing his mind… it's all gone. I am healed. There was never ever a problem. I made it all up. I remembered who I am, who I always been. Every experience is different. Each participant had similar yet, different experience. I recommend everyone to, at least once in a life, time try Ayahuasca. To remember, to be connected again, to heal the small little human body. We are all one being, one consciousness splitting itself into billions of parts to experience itself from the inside. When I came to, a woman approached me and asked me how I doing. I said "Amazing!" I wasn't fully present yet. When I was looking at light coming in through the window, it was flickering when I moved my eyes. It was shiny and pretty, though. We then got up. Said our thanks and proceeded to go our separate rooms to have a good night’s sleep. When I got to my room and was laying there in bed, I couldn't sleep. I needed to process all of this information I just received. The body was tired, but the mind was wide awake. I was tossing and turning till I saw daylight. Then the body finally gave up, it fell asleep, but I… I continued the trip. In the morning I woke up fresh and rejuvenated. I'm still processing this as I write. It is one of a kind experience. No two experiences are the same. I think this is what happens when the body dies. It just goes back to this highest consciousness level and is looking for a way back to have another experience here in the lower level. Finally I want to say thank you mother Ayahuasca for this experience, thank you, Pedro, for guiding us, delivering this medicine to us, thank you organizers and helpers of the ceremony, thank you everyone for steering my life in that direction, and thank you for reading till the end! And if you forget, remember that you are always talking to yourself, your God’s self, through other people. And other people are you, God, creator, consciousness, or whatever your beliefs are, talking to you through this level, to remind you who you are. We are all one mind, one being, one consciousness. I created this person to bring this message to you, I created this world of you, I created you and I love you!

I asked a friend to help me with a trip. He didn't know anything about it, so I tried to explain as much as I can what he needs to do and what I need help with. I was sitting on my bed and my friend beside me with a timer to check how many seconds I’m holding my breath. Loaded my pipe and took the first hit. I lost count after 13, but in the back of my mind I knew I need to hold for a few more seconds. Within that time I felt that I was merging with the sofa I was sitting on. I felt everything around me. My consciousness was expanding. Hearing got distant as usual. I don't remember the second hit, or was it the second one, but when my friend helped me with it and took the pipe away from me. Then the time stopped completely. Like it was in slow motion and then stopped. I had forgotten completely everything, who I was, why I was there, how to breathe. I was just a point in time and a still image for as long as I could remember. It felt like 5 minutes, 10 minutes or more had passed and it was the same still image, him taking the pipe away from my hands and frozen in time. It felt like a memory of a life I had once. I remember at some point my friend helped me with another hit. Could've been the third one (he said I took 3 hits). Like I said, there was no time. I looked at the pipe, I couldn't distinguish my hands from his, because everything was merged into one. I tried to take a hit and I don’t know how did it go. Next thing I remember him saying "just in time". What? Why did he say that? Oh, is the trip over, have I just returned from the infinity? I saw him standing up, leaving a trail of layered lights behind him. Then another still image, and then another one of him waving his hand as I figured "hey, maybe I should lay down". I could’ve just stay like that because I couldn’t feel my body any more. But I laid down. I could feel the sofa physically, but I'd say it felt like falling into a fluffy cloud. My friend’s silhouette remained there for a while and all I remember was colors, geometric patterns, silhouettes and all into one big kaleidoscope. I remember thinking that I've forgotten everything trying. There was no me anymore. I tried  to calm myself down. It wasn't my voice in my head, more like my father’s voice saying "It's gonna be OKOKOKokokokokok... but  in such a strange sounding way. You know when a ball drops and make the sound? First hits with larger intervals of sound and then smaller hits till you just can't hear it more? It was like that. A bunch of other stupid thoughts came up and I don’t know why. It was chaotic. I thought of something, and it almost instantly appeared in front of me, but still with no concrete form. Like a thought was trying to form a visual, but there was not enough power to make a solid looking object. When I came to 20 minutes later I was looking at the ceiling and saw beautiful colors again. Suddenly I remember to breathe. I had to manually breathe, because even that I had forgotten. It was funny and weird that I’ve forgotten how to breathe. And this seemed like my first breath of clear air ever. Like when you’re born and take your first breath in this reality. As I'm thinking about this and remembering the trip, I understood a few things. First... there is no time. Second... it's all in my head. This world around me is made up in my head and what I think shall be created. Third... things consist of light and vibration and this world is an illusion made by all of that. The light vibrates in such a way that the world appears solid, but in fact the world is not solid. Fourth... or this relates to first one actually... it all seemed like a memory. Like there was once a guy who had a friend who helped him to smoke DMT one day etc. Or even like a dream. Like everything I was, everything I did before was a dream and so long ago who even cares. Didn't remember anything else much and no breakthrough, but I'm happy with my experiences so far. 01.09.2019

A week passed and I decided to do it again. Did some more reading and was mentally preparing for this. But no matter how much you prepare, there’s always this stress now, because you never know what will happen. It was late, I was in bed, got comfortable, put about 50 mg of DMT or maybe a bit less in my pipe. And all I did was take one big hit. After 20 seconds I almost lost all control. I don't know if I tried to take another one. Maybe I did. Maybe a small one. Or maybe I just put the pipe down. I don’t even remember. It came on so strong and so fast I didn't want to drop the pipe so laid back and closed my eyes this time. It very intense, but all I saw was just colors, shapes and patterns. I could still feel myself and hear myself. It felt like my mind was being torn apart sideways. I tried to relax and let go. It all ended after 5 minutes. The one thing I noticed was the feeling of Ying and Yang constantly changing. After the effects were almost over, I started to think about music and there was this beautiful melody playing in my head. Reminded me of PSY chill/ambient/down tempo style. Usually I can't even focus my mind on something, but now I could. I wished I could record it straight from my brain. 30.07.2019

I was putting off the writing of trip reports for a while, but I think it's time to write them down. So this is the first trip I've ever made. No matter how much I've read about it, nothing could've prepared me for it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I've never done drugs before. Why did I decide to do DMT? What was going on in my head? I decided to do it alone, because I don't know any person (I knew, but they are gone from my life) who would volunteer to be my sitter. I have cheap scales around $18. The problem is that they only register when something is above 20mg, so I measured it by eye too, knowing how much I have in total. I think I ended up putting around 50mg since it was recommended and it would leave room for errors. As I was putting the DMT in my freebase pipe, the scales were showing inaccurate numbers, but... yeah... whatever. I trust my eyes and my instincts. Also what ever happens, happens for a reason. Life gives you exact lessons what you need. Right? Unfortunately at that time I didn't have a good blowtorch, but I had the one people use for cooking. A bit tricky to use, but it was doable. I turned everything off, PC, phone, the room was dimly lit from salt lamps. It was late and neighbors were silent. I sat down, turned the burner on and took my first hit. It was small. I didn't know what to do. Really. I had no idea what I was doing. After a moment I felt like I've drank a glass of champagne. Just a fuzzy feeling. I took a second hit maybe slightly bigger this time. It felt like my ears are beginning to clog up and I lost hearing. It was very silent. The floor started to move. Felt like being drunk. I was scared to lose control, but I took the third one much bigger this time. While I was holding by breath I closed my eyes and now I saw small shapes in various colors like in kaleidoscope. Just shapes and patterns moving around. Now I was really scared and I thought I'd better lay down before I drop something or burn my house. I was losing control fast, so I was not able to take another hit. I was just laying in my bed with eyes open and watching the ceiling and lamp move, become liquid. Colors appeared. Green, blue, yellow. Everything was covered in amazing colors. It was so beautiful. Like I was watching energy flow. I saw lines and colorful patterns. Layer upon layer. I was wondering why am I seeing this, but then I remembered that I had just smoked DMT. Funny how fast you forget everything. As I was watching the ceiling, I began to lose myself. I didn't feel my body any more. It felt like I was that colorful energy in the room. Like I was conscious about the whole room. I used to have dreams like that when you know that you're sleeping with eyes closed, but you see everything, you are just aware. So I was just aware of the whole room. It felt like I was levitating and the body is behind me. Like my mind has expanded beyond by physical body. I lost track of time. It felt like there is no time. At some point I didn't even know I had a physical body because this seemed more real and the world I knew before was all fake. It was blissful. For a while. Sometime later I was trying to snap out of it. I wanted to go back or move my arms, but I couldn't. I was afraid to lose myself completely. I got scared and I desperately was clinging on to my reality I knew. I felt like I was dying. Can't move, can't focus, just lying there in the bed like a helpless vegetable. Thinking that I smoked some toxic fumes from an unclean glass pipe or maybe took too much and my body can't handle it. I thought I was dying because I could no longer see these nice colors. I remember having a life, who I was, what my job was. I was sad because I thought I was dying alone in my bed and what a stupid way to go. I though I let everyone down and in my mind I was asking for forgiveness. To everyone, my family and for some reason my father and my father's before me. I don't why. I repeated this over and over in my head. I felt like I was about to explode and pass out, but I didn't. A moment later I come to. It felt like someone was putting me back to my body, but I didn't see anyone. I regained some of my thoughts and literally forced myself back to this body. I moved my hand and I thought "Wow, I'm alive". I felt grateful to be alive again. I got up and I didn't feel any after effects. Maybe only when closing my eyes for a second I felt slightly slipping back to that dreamy state. It left me with more questions than before. 24.07.2019