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jaie718

Male. Lives in Lower hudson valley, NY. Born on July 14, 1988. Is single.

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Just another piece of nature finding their way in this crazy beautiful thing called life. Nothing bu... View More

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jaie718

November 28, 2021 7:11 pm

Ive had a very interesting past five days or so. I got sars cov-2 the night before thanksgiving; no one came to the house because everyone works whether it be MTA, construction, retail, etc. I felt ho... View MoreIve had a very interesting past five days or so. I got sars cov-2 the night before thanksgiving; no one came to the house because everyone works whether it be MTA, construction, retail, etc. I felt horrible. I missed last year because I was in long term treatment beating down a benzo/heroin habit. I overdosed in treatment, left the hospital, and took a subway to Times Sq, where I binged on the worst of illicits for a week. The program called my only parent as she was my emergency contact only to say something happened to me but bc of HIPPA they couldn't say what. My mother for a week, thought, me, J, her adopted baby boy was dead in one of the boroughs. I failed. Eigth monthes down the drain; but worst of all, I once again let down my rock, my hero, my idol down. If love were a person itd be her. I didnt know this happened untill I called her; and felt empty on the train ride home. I joined this app in december 20 I believe. I met someone who never gave up on me; as I was a wounded dog. Broken, torn, SO frustrated that AGAIN...AGAIN Ive relapased. I would write (like this) lengthy posts but I was all over the place. Just venting to anyone who dare lay their eyes, on whatever I was writing. I came home on 200mg of methadone. Tomorrow I drop to 97. I was IVing my medicine in secret to most, honest to few, knowing I was breaking myself. Was I punishing myself? Yes. Self loathing in self pity and it was disgusting. Its been a good 5 monthes + since that ended. Not me, at all. I think my 3rd eye opened last night because even with Cov I was SO grateful to still be a part of this world. This song I posted I had on loop and I had this overwhelming sense of understanding, acceptance, and tears poured out my eyes and all that noise in my head was dormant. The how I should, why I should, why did I, how could I's just diccipated. So cliche, but I understood, "the only thing to fear is fear itself." I feel awake, clear, sturdy. If I could take all our pains I would but none of us can force healing. It took and is taking me time, but I feel, alive, joyous, even as I lay with chills and sweats. Whether I know you, or not; I love you. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving - thanks for the read (check the song out*)

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ODESZA - It's Only (feat. Zyra)

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⬡ "It's Only (feat. Zyra)" | Stream/Download the track ▶ http://odesza.co/inreturn ⬡ Subscribe for more ODESZA releases ▶ http://odesza.co/subscribe ⬡ Watch the music video h

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