Trip Reports
on September 16, 2019
The second time I drank ayahuasca it was the same dose, and I was back in my living room. This time my wife was with me from the start. The buildup was very similar as before and I found myself in the bathroom like last time. I walked back and forth from the living room to there multiple times but never reached a point of throwing up like I felt. I did experience some slight diarrhea, but with my IBS this was not unusual. I came back in the living room and we started to set up the chess board to play a game. About the time it was set up I knew it wasn't going to be happening anytime soon. She packed it back up as I went back into the bathroom with the urge to spew from both ends. As I sat on the toilet, I felt a familiar anxiety start at my toes and rise. I coached myself through breathing exercises trying to calm it. At some point while sitting there I lost myself like before, but this was different. I remember the experience as one of 2 very distinct things: either I was living this man's life, or my wife and I lived with him. Regardless, when I came to, I couldn't remember any details of what happened with him. I can only assume it wasn't long in actual time because the wife never checked in on me. As I sat there on the toilet, I started to consider the fact that on a toilet waste is supposed to be going south, not north. I pondered what I could do before the anxiety consumed me again. I felt this anxiety reach the top of my head and mushroom beyond that. Again, like last time, no visuals, but I could feel things like never before. Without truly understanding how I put both hands on this growing cloud and pushed it down the direction it was supposed to be going. I felt it fade back away until once it was out my toes again, I couldmove. I walked out of the bathroom feeling like a million bucks. Shortly after I returned and had some diarrhea, but it was the standard IBS type I was used to now. About this time my wife was explaining she was talking to my sister on Facebook about us not attending our niece's concert that night. We were not aware it was happening, and my wife was afraid my niece would resent us because my brother had attended. My sister explained that it was a spur of the moment thing, and even she didn't know my brother was going to be there. In the end, everyone understood, and there were no hard feelings. In my hyper aware state, I explained to me wife that although it would have been nice to be there the universe put each of us on a path that ultimately led to us having a good day. Sure, we may have missed it, but maybe if we were there Scott would not have had such a good time for example. Regardless, everything worked out for all parties involved, so there was no reason to feel bad for anything. In the middle of this talk I thought back to a conversation I had with my brother a few days prior. His son had just been born, and he told me he hopes one day he can take a picture as good as the one I took of my niece holding a snake. It wasn't until this night I felt the impact of that statement. I to this day hate taking pictures, and I don't know if that will ever change, but the simple act of taking that one picture not only gave him a beautiful memory for life it also gave him something to look forward to with his own son. The joy of this realization was again enough to cause another purge, crying. I started to look back at the pictures in my phone. I have never been a huge fan of taking them, but damn I managed to catch some good ones along the way. I found pictures one a family dog that just a week prior was shot and killed by a neighbor. We continued to cry, laugh, and everything in between as we flipped through my small collection of pictures. I realized that as someone who prides himself on technicalities, I could apply that skill to taking pictures instead of being in them. The fact I don’t like to see myself I know if an issue I still have to deal with yet, but there is no reason it should stop me from creating positive memories for not just myself but an entire family that, quite honestly, doesn’t spend much time celebrating little things. We have always just been the type that gets together for holidays, and even those end badly most the time for stupid reasons. I come from a family full of strong egos, and I am determined to break that trend. I realized that things like picture taking, or even attempting to draw which I started recently, are the building blocks I need to rediscover my imagination. One moment I still remember vividly is my wife asking when our niece's birthday was during this conversation. I was able to quickly remember that her birthday was March, but before I could even speak those words, I realized I had no idea where I was in time. It took a minute to realize it was March 2019, and I could finally process her birth date, but obviously my wife had long since moved on lol. Shortly after that I used the word cunt in a manner I no longer remember but regardless my wife is not a fan of the word. I asked her why, and for the first time she told me. I can only assume that due to my vulnerable state she felt compelled to open up for the first time about it. She explained how an ex-boyfriend abused her, and he repeatedly called her that in the act. As we reflected on it, I explained that unfortunately she has this negative attachment to the word, which triggers a bad reaction, but because I don't the word is just that - another word. I also said that thanks to this night she would now have a new more positive memory to hopefully overwrite that old one. In a crazy way I understood why shaman's drink with their patients. It was a lesson to both of us that if you put up walls around you people will do the same. The law of attraction, the secret, it was all true. Open yourself up, take down the walls, and you just might find others around you do the same. We got in the car and went to McDonalds, which I know is horrible, but it was like 2 am. I felt great, but the mental exhaustion after an aya experience is like no other. I ate a grilled chicken sandwich and went home to sleep like a baby. Amazingly enough, to this day, my IBS issues have greatly subsided. I will spare the details, and everything isn’t 100% yet, but the discomfort and loss of appetite are gone. Failing the ‘BREATHE’ test from my first experience also empowered me to quit smoking cigarettes for goodincluding my electronic one. I have smoked marijuana for about a year, and thought it helped me, but for the first time in a long time I felt normal.
