Eyes

The plane landed, the hum of the engine turned down. People got out of their seats and then the captain gave the okay to unbuckle. It's always was backwards like that. People acting first, thinking of safety after, not hearing the warning. I too have always been that way as I reached into Pandora’s Box so long ago it felt like a dream. I had come so far from my past, who I was no matter made sense to me as I could never remember that self fully, and I now understand that I am always changing and never the same, and impossible object to describe besides the word IS.  

Vine and I had spent the last year trying to understand our experiences with psychedelics. We wanted to learn from the plants and what they wanted from us but we had no idea where to start. We wanted to learn from people who have also gone through these experiences, anything that they could teach us. We thought that the best way would be to interview those who have influenced us to continue on our journey into the crazy world of psychedelics. We created our own podcast where we would interview shamans, and authors of our much loved books. We learned a lot from them, and many of the interviewees became our friends as well as our teachers. For the most part we learned that the psychedelic experience affects people in many different and dramatic ways. It seems that it’s ultimately the person’s choice to take that experience and turns it into what she or he wishes either for the good or the bad. Did we still need other shamans to teach us? If the very first shamans used nothing but the plants to teach them, and even today some shamans are placed in a poorly lit room away from others and diet on the plants along with a strict type of food, then did Vine and I really need to travel thousands of miles and spend a heap load of money to learn the way from the plants? In the end we came to the conclusion that the plants can teach us all that we need, as long as we have a willingness to listen, trust, and learn.

I met Vine at the terminal. He had been waiting for me, preparing the drink we would be taking together. It had been some time since he had used our Ayahuasca like substance and he was nervous. I was excited and prepared. I had been on a diet all week recommended by the shamans we had talked to in the past. I was going to trust the spirits this time, not trying to fix myself or seek anything. Just trust them and finally hear the lesson to be taught, not the lesson I wanted to hear.

Not much later after we arrived to his house we were talking nervously with shot glasses in our hands. “You know that you scared me to death the last time we were together,” Vine said. “You mean in the woods?” “Yeah, I thought for sure that aliens or something were going to come abduct us.” I laughed to Vines comment but I also was just as scared as Vine if not more so. At this point I didn’t know what to expect from our plant mixture. “It’s because of that time you did it alone, you talked about the alien being coming and stripping you of all your manhood,” Vine continued.  “Vine, I’m scared too but really I don’t care because I just have to trust that things are going to be okay, and that I will learn what I needed to learn either from myself or from the plants. I'll see you on the other side," I said with a smile. Vine took his shot in his mouth and I followed. The slight bitter tasted could still bring back the sweet memories of the past, when our drink was painful to swallow and just as hard to hold in.  We sat down on the rug and I wrapped myself in my blanket. Coldness swept over me. "I remember you my old friend," I thought.

The sound of me throwing up could be heard all through the house. I purged and purged as I planted my face in the toilet. Something was stuck in my neck. It had traveled from my chest near my lungs and slowly moved up. It was alive. I could feel it moving; it used its legs like a spider to hold on to the inside of my throat so that it wouldn't be pushed out by the plants. I had to get it out. I purged some more. I could feel what seemed like webs or maybe hair on my tongue as the object was pushed further out. It had no taste but I knew it was there. I purged and purged. It screamed in my head, fighting for its life. I fell into the water and I flushed it down the toilet quickly. I knew what it was, but I almost didn’t believe it. The shamans had told me about these spirits that can come into the un protected individuals. I used to think it was crazy but I knew now that it was real. Something had gone inside of me when I used the Ayahuasca mixture while I was alone, it had caused me to have problems breathing, and now finally it was gone.

I crawled out of the bathroom and lay in the hallway. I thought about how far I had come and how crazy things have become. It had been years since I left college the first time but not before I had met Vine. I had lost my religion and now I was even more spiritual than before. I had left home to join the military to find myself, and here I was again doing exactly that, finding myself, finding that lost love for myself but I didn’t get it from what I expected it. I found myself from the journey of life and from the helps of the plants. I am still finding myself. Even at that very moment, I just had purged out a spiritual sickness. How as this all possible? I closed my eyes as I lay on my back. Vines of trees surrounded my vision. Slowly they wrapped into themselves, zinging into a picture, wonderfully detailed and complex. They made a face. It was a lovely looking woman.

She looked at me with eyes of fire, snakes wrapping into her hair, roots of trees and vines growing to form her lips. I was not much more than a simple fly to her.  The size of her was larger than life; she resided in what seemed to be another layer of space and time. I was utterly in awe of the size of her figure and powerful beauty that encompassed her. I pleaded obsessively for her compassion, which went unnoticed. I opened my eyes and all was back to normal except for eyes, eyes that came out of every creep of the wall, the clinging and all of life. It was her eyes that looked at me. Do I dare close my eyes again, the fear and adrenaline flowing through my veins. I have nothing to lose. I close my eyes and fall into the abyss.