The Fun Guy

Background: Freshly broken up with my ex this June on a Friday morning. It was rather sudden so my weekend had cleared of any plans. I had been rather depressed and thoughts of suicide most days of the week. I decided that a major trip to reset my mind and help me figure out my next step in life was the best idea for the weekend. So I went home and prepped my bedroom to trip (music, Bob Ross, lava lamp and drinks) 6:00pm Eat 2 1 gram 63% cacao chocolates I made as well as a 56 gram penis envy I picked moments before. 6:30pm the body high and yawning started to kick in so I retired to my bedroom, turned on some Bob Ross and a playlist. Before the first episode was over all the colors on his easel were melding together and shifting from one shade to another. I wasn't a fan of the technology around me so I turned off both my lava lamp, music and TV losing Bob as my trip guide in that action. Complete darkness and silence, the solitude crept in and visuals on the back of my eyelids were very apparent. Fractals and spinning cylinders filled my mind and at this point I took myself down the rabbithole in my mind's eye to confront a darkness that had been plaguing my curiosity for some time. (I live very close to where all the fireworks are sold in my area and didn't plan that into my trip) Fireworks started going off. The first one woke me from the depths of my mind and brought all of my anxiety with it. The second sent a shock through my body almost as if I had been shot. Next I remember I was laying on my floor in a fetal position convinced I had been shot and was bleeding out. I started seeing red and blue lights like there were police sirens all around me. (The room still completely dark) Each firework after that would send me into a spiral of my life, reliving every sin and immoral action I've ever committed. I was convinced I died and I was experiencing hell first hand. Completely in my mind I analyzed that hell wasn't a place to burn for your sins, but rather to learn from them. Live them over again until you understand. After a long time of dying again and again, reliving every horrible moment my life had. Things suddenly got cold, my body wet from all the sweat. The fireworks still loud in the background yet almost as if they were fading farther and farther away. Still in the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom. I felt distant, alone, yet at the same time connected. Like a fetus where the universe is my womb and everything around me is the same yet vastly different for one reason. To grow. The idea of me started to fade and the feeling of what I knew as my own ego was infront of me. It was connected with everything and everyone around it, all feeding information and experience into this fetus which I could now feel was something so much bigger. Something we describe as God, this all powerful entity that was growing inside this womb we call the universe. With every cell being a different part of life. And every different part of life providing nutrients to the fetus in the form of experiences both good and bad. It's then that the realization came. Why there's so much bad, so much evil and so much good in the world. That all of it is needed, the good, the bad. All the famine, hunger, love, greed, lust ect. Every single part of life was needed to feed this ultimate unified entity that we all are growing into. That we're all a part of. Because without all the knowledge and experience it couldn't be this perfect entity. That every action so small or so large is needed in order to understand fully why any action may be taken. Every evil action is needed to understand what made up the action from the first thought to the final blow. Every good action was needed to understand what it takes to follow through with a good deed. It became clear that we're all connected because we're all one. We're all this one unified conciousness slowly growing into something much greater than ourselves. Much greater than the entire universe we've been growing in. I started to feel another energy. Distant, different than anything I'd ever felt yet so familiar. Another unified conciousness with its own universe, completely unique in its own way yet still taking in every experience just as we are and growing into this perfect being. I finally opened my eyes and felt at peace. I'm not sure how long it had been. I stood up and sat onto my bed. Turned my lava lamp on and waited. watched as the balls started to form and then change from world to world. The fireworks. This time I didn't think I was dying, I believed I was dead. Reincarnated as "God". I snapped my fingers to try and use my new "god" powers. Nothing worked. Eventually I threw the lava lamp across the room and into the TV. It had broke and I convinced myself I was not God and still very much alive and still very much stupid. I made my way to my living room with the thought to smoke some bud, but an avocado caught my eye on the way over. I squeezed the fruit until my hand looked like I was making fresh made guac. Time hadnt been real, but I remember seeing the clock at 2:00 when I finished smearing avocado and blood on my walls as if I was trying to praise a new cultist religion. Coming to and seeing the destruction I had cause through the expulsion of all the negative energy I had bottled up scared me. Took me into a uncomfortable state of mind. I sunk into my couch and just thought. About everything that had happened that night, why and what do I do next. Thinking further into the trip I was still experiencing and I started analyzing it backwards. Bringing myself to the why's all the way back to the big bang. And then I went forward. A rush of a feeling I can only describe as time came over me. Everything rushed through my mind at once and I was a person again. 4:30am went to bed It took me several days to analyze and get the basics out of my trip and I still think on it nearly every day. I hope you all enjoyed my trip report.