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SuperMcFly

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SuperMcFly

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SuperMcFly

January 22, 2021 8:57 am

Welp... I ended my 4 years of sobriety with weed on Monday.. It's low key psychedelic feeling tbh. Super introspective.. It reminds me of coming down off of a blast-off dose of dmt. And I'm kinda bumm... View MoreWelp... I ended my 4 years of sobriety with weed on Monday.. It's low key psychedelic feeling tbh. Super introspective.. It reminds me of coming down off of a blast-off dose of dmt. And I'm kinda bummed out about relapsing, but at the same time this feeling I'm having is very euphoric.. I remember that i used to smoke weed every day.. And i was always chasing this intensity of strength that I'm feeling right now.. My tolerance is at zero right now and it's very overwhelming.

I feel like I'm using my brain tumor as an excuse to start using again.. And before i started smoking weed, my attitude towards my tumor was just matter-of-factual. I accepted it.. Had surgery on it to remove half of it.. It's still growing, and the day before i start Radiation treatment for killing the still-growing tumor inside my skull, i start smoking weed again. And NOW the feeling of "holy shit.. I have a fucking tumor in my brain.." Comes into my thoughts. And i have this feeling of not knowing HOW i should feel about this.. Am i using this as an excuse just to get high again? I have no clue. I dealt with this tumor the whole time sober. And it's a different feeling then than it is now. It's really hard to explain.. The existential dread, the gratitude that i live in an age of technological advancement that there's a procedure to kill a tumor with x ray radiation... And the chances of success are really good. Am i just smoking weed as a celebration for having a second chance at life? Probably... But if radiation treatment is successful, i can't use the tumor as an excuse anymore.. Then what? Do i keep smoking because of the trauma it caused? I dunno..

What really bothers me the most, is that I'm dealing with all of this alone. I work every day just to get by in life... Just to get home to an empty room in the city where i live by my self.. Shut off from the world. Introverted and too shy to make friends. The pandemic doesn't help much. I really have very few people in my life that i really connect with.. it's not that they're not enough. But i really want to branch out and make new connections with people.. And i don't really know how right now. Hense why I'm writing this wind bag of a post... I have no one else to talk to.. I feel absolutely Alone. Disconnected from the ability to create stronger bonds with more people around me...

The worst type of isolation is when you're in a room full of people and it's like you're not even there...

That's how i always feel.

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4/6

Dreaded Heathen

Sorry for your loss MJ

Like 3 January 22, 2021

KannaKai33

We are here for you. Been wondering what's up. Did you get transferred? If you ever need some Phantazma time or someone to talk to or both, you have us.

Like 1 January 24, 2021

SuperMcFly

Yea i moved to a different hotel. I'll definitely take you up on that offer. I miss seeing you, Charlie and phantazma.

Like 1 January 25, 2021

KannaKai33

We miss you too! It's just not the same without you.

Like 1 January 25, 2021