Ardeano

7:15am 3 Gms...., 8:00am another gram give or take. I took. 10am popcorn ceiling won’t hold still. Posted something on Facebook that I deleted and yet another that still remains. Deleted post had people calling me, not what was intended and Facebook definitely is not the place for deep introspections while the ceiling and walls do their own thing beside staying still as is their custom. I see it’s 2:15pm and all’s pretty well back to baseline. I wrote about an iceberg, that still remains on Facebook. How it’s like the mind, built up.., conceived through the elements. Being part of the whole, cleaving off of the mass and becoming for a short while an individual within the primordial soup with that which is seen above and experienced above by all that it encounters but also with those things specific to itself hidden in darkness below the waves. A time for all things. Existence within eternity for a whisp of time, like a spark from a fire or smoke. Like an iceberg which is here today and gone tomorrow back to the elements of all creation....

Woke this morning and at 5am, took my routine 1000mg glucophage and cooreg12.5mg. Drank cup of coffee and swallowed approx 2Gm Ecuadorian chased with a strong lemon/water. Walked dogs with my lady and came home hot in my body. Have had varying degrees of nausea until present hour (8am). Some of the nausea was awful..., should have taken my blood pressure because it could have been hypotension now that I think of it. First trip ever was 2015 with 6Gms psylocibin shrooms..., unforgettable with fractals and doors with light behind. Been trying to microdose. Used 1gm recently and today I did 2gms. Day of microdose then 2 days without then start all over again. Only God knows where this is leading to and the benefit or uselessness of it. It’s been months, nearly a year since I’ve been on antidepressants which only seemed to numb me and/or make me angry. Psychiatrist and counselor appointments and sessions have since concluded. Seems like my world has been falling apart for a long long time and just came to a head July 25,2018 when I died on the side of the road. The whirlwind of forgotten time, open heart surgery and complete disruption of who I thought I was had been..., traumatic to say the least. Diagnosed now with PTSD, depression, anxiety and a host of other physical diagnoses too. I remember the place of quiet darkness which wrapped me in comfort that day with my body on the side of the road. I understood or was told that to return was to mean more pain but I chose to return.... I really think the awful nausea from this morning was in poor planning resulting in hypotension. I’m now in a place of introspection and feel that good music would help me along though good company..., understanding company..., facilitating company would not be unwelcome. Today, in this world..., in my place there aren’t many who might be facilitators...., good company so to say. Am I past those times where the rivers beckon me come and the fireflies are the evening show over the flowing waters as in times past only being present within my memory? So many more worthy memories of the past that warm my heart and then there are the others...., best not tinkered with in a defenseless state of vulnerability without allies at ones side. Those are the ones yet to be resolved. Those fearful memories that threaten with the same tools that made the wounds in the first place. I’m weary of the vigilance against the shadows in my mind. I should probably write more often, presumably in this state..., hopefully without the nausea that preceded it but with intention to follow these thoughts as they appear. I recall that this is a trip report...., funny I kinda got sidetracked in my reveries....., 2 Gms surely is worthy of a trip report; however, it is now a pleasant state of consciousness without any kaleidoscopic diversions of thought and sight. I suppose as God has said, “there is a time for all things”....., “nothing is new under the sun...”