November 6, 2020
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Ok so on Halloween day i ate 5 dried grams of Golden Teachers. I decided to do it on Halloween because im a Taurus and the moon (Full Moon) was in Taurus at 10:49am est time and i like to trip for spirituality reasons whenever the moon is in my sign. Im gonna go over the worst part of my trip. I got extremely nauseous whithin an hour and from that point on the trip went bad. So im curled up in fetal position on the couch, due to the nausea, and had my eyes closed. My mind was already fucked by this point and just like scrambled. Then i see myself in the exact position i was in reality (fetal position) but i was in what appeared to be a cave/cavern like place, uneven stone walls, dark but light enough to see and i was curled up in like a corner of this cave like place. Then it popped into my mind that that was me in hell or something and this world, the world we all live in, is the illusion that i created in my mind to escape the true reality which was that i was really in hell and this world wasnt real i just made it up in my mind as like a safeplace or something to escape my true reality of being in hell. And while this world isnt all that great, its way better then the reality of living in hell. So then all of a sudden im like being told to get up go break free and escape hell, like this was my chance now that i ate the mushrooms and they altered and opened my mind enough that i can now get up and escape from this "hell" place. But due to the extreme nausea and my mind being totally scrambled and fucked i refused to get up and escape and said fuck it ill just go back to this world, the world we all live in, and just keep it as my reality...
So that was the worst part of my trip. Im trying to decipher it and the best theory i can come up with is this, I need to start taking more pleasure in "this" world and stop being so anxious for whats next, whats on the other side. The reason i think that was the message is because i do look forward to whats next, i get anxious for whats next. Ive gotten to the point where im really fed up with this life and in alot of ways ive given up on this life. Im not suicidal but i dont fear death anymore and im always thinking whatever is next after this life will be way better then anything this life has to offer. so yeah maybe it was like i said to teach me to start enjoying this life more, stop being so anxious and looking forward to whats next, and while this life may not be that pleasant, for me anyways, its still way better then what could be... Me curled up in a corner of a cave in hell.
Feel free to give me your thoughts or ideas on what you might think it means or what it was trying to tell me. Also this was my 2nd bad trip in a row, 1st one was last time i tripped about 6 months ago. Until then i never had a bad trip before, now its 2 in a row. Could the nausea being causing it? Like if i wasnt nauseous would the trip have not gone bad? Or do you think it would have either way because thats what i needed?
