Canucksue

First Trip, Age 46, August 29, 2019 I had started to encounter a lot of information about the psychedelic called DMT. By all accounts, it was the most powerful psychedelic there was, and was well known for granting life-changing spiritual experiences to those who managed to take in enough of the acrid smoke to have the coveted “breakthrough” experience. Those returning from the voyage described a complete shift in reality. It was like entering into another dimension, but with complete command of one’s faculties. There, they encountered fabulous beings, colours, and geometries previously unimaginable, “more real than real”, and an experience so compelling that most listed it among the most profound of their lives. I had spent a lifetime seeking any kind of contact with the Divine. Decades of pursuing meditation, yogic philosophy, Christian Orthodox mysticism, philosophy, and religious and spiritual teachings of all stripes had left me disappointed. Entheogens were the obvious next step. The key teacher on the subject was Terrance McKenna. Listening to all of his recorded lectures filled me with ever greater resolve to procure the necessary substance. I found a private social media app for discussing psychedelics, and introduced myself as a newbie. The etiquette, for obvious reasons, is that one can never ask directly how to buy product, but by asking the right questions and allowing people to get a sense of me, I was able to connect with a modern “urban shaman” who facilitated DMT trips in a canvas Tee Pee at his home, not far from me. I was very nervous about the whole thing, mainly because I was so anxious to have a meaningful experience. I had read a great deal about how to prepare oneself, and latched on to one mantra that was to remind me how to achieve the best possible result: one must submit to the experience in “perfect love, and perfect trust”. Those who failed to approach the DMT world with humility and surrender can end up learning a very unpleasant lesson. There was a small fire ablaze in the centre of the Tee Pee. My guide measured out the white powder carefully into the electronic vaporizer, and after answering any last questions or concerns I had, held the device for me while I tried to take in the smoke. It was extremely difficult. Despite my fierce determination, the smoke was like very harsh mothball fumes and burned the throat a lot. Non-smokers like myself find it very difficult to take in enough smoke, therefore. I did my best and had a couple of harsh coughing fits, but I knew there was a very small window to take in as much DMT as one could before having to lie down, so I really pushed myself. The third “hit” was the hardest because I was getting very woozy, like I was starting to swoon. This is why it helped that my guide was holding the device. After that, I waved it away, as I felt I could do no more. It began, very disturbingly, with the sensation that I was losing the boundaries of my body. There was someone there, immediately, and as I swooned, she communicated to me “It’s alright, I have you.” The communication was all telepathic, but every bit as distinct and separate from me, as spoken words coming from without. The trouble is, this person’s body was surrounding me and was passing half-way into mine, like a ghost might pass through an object! It was extremely uncomfortable. I remembered my mantra and surrendered myself to whatever was happening. I lay back on the thin mattress on the ground and relaxed fully into the new reality. The woman, whom I could not see except as a dark shape, was kneeling on the ground right beside me. She guided me down and placed my head in her lap. It was very tactile, and I could feel her distinctly. It was very real to me. She knew my fear and was working hard at calming me as she smilingly reassured me that everything was alright; she was taking care of me. She teased me for my distress, and tickled me under my chin for being so serious and anxious, coaching me to relax, breathe, and to not move around much. She told me to “Trust”. I did not experience the bright lights and kaleidoscopic colours most people do. Instead, I was still in the Tee-Pee, but it was transformed. It was early night there, and there were flickering luminescent butterflies and fireflies in the air above us. There was a shaft of moonlight that radiated through the wall of the TeePee, and lit up a huge, dark tree that took up much of the space. In the distance (I could see through the wall), there were a few dozen short, dark shapes moving, as though in a crowd. I knew they were other beings, but they were going about their own business. The presence of the being who had received me was awe-inspiring. It is possible that I suffer from some sort of sexism (despite being a woman), but until that moment, I had never in my life really felt or recognized a feminine version of “power”. But from this being, the sense of power felt like nothing short of being in the presence of a goddess. She was Queen of this place, wherever I was, and she knew everything about me. Her affection and protection filled me with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and relief. All pain and anxiety, ever-present in normal life, was gone, as though I stepped outside of the universe where suffering was the air that everyone breathed, into one where afflictions of mind and body did not exist. My guide in the world I had left behind had disappeared and my new Guide interrupted these thoughts to remind me, a little scoldingly, “Now, you came here to learn some things, didn’t you?” And very seriously, “Are you ready?” I was very grateful to be reminded and affirmed “Yes”, thinking of my mantra once again. Immediately I was flying through space, among the stars. There was a beautiful nova/wormhole-like anomaly that caught my attention, but then I noticed a large black shape to the right of it. As I looked at it, it became more prominent, in size, detail, and also in my consciousness. I was afraid of it. As I looked more closely and sought to figure out what it was, it began to suck me towards it and it became a huge black hole, a terrible abyss that felt like a horrible evil. I was helpless to resist it. It was going to devour me. At this point, it was as though my Guide stepped into my mind and showed me what to do. She abruptly interrupted my focus and showed me how to draw my attention back. As I did so, the evil abyss immediately began to shrink in size and power, and I was able to drift back away, insofar as I was able to detach my mind from it. What had just been demonstrated to me, without words, was that it is a certain type of attention or intense focus that gives evil its power over us. By breaking that attention, an evil can be made to all but disappear, at least as far as that individual is concerned. It is possible to take away evil’s power over us. What was key, was the same thing I had been reminded of repeatedly: Trust. This felt like a profound teaching to me. It is one thing to tell yourself to not think about something, but this was more subtle and effective than just trying to repress thoughts through force of will. We were back in the tent, and my Guide asked me “You had questions. What were they?” I sensed that she already knew exactly what they were, but I had gone in with the intention of asking a couple of questions, were I given the opportunity. Once again I was startled into remembrance and I put forth my two questions: “How do I find meaning in my life?”, and separately, “What should I do about my musical studies?” (This later question was because I had been in a Pipe and Drum band for a couple of years, but was thinking about quitting or trying another instrument rather than bagpipes.) The answer to both questions was immediate: “Well, you just answered your own question, didn’t you!” And somehow, it came to me clear as day: “Find your meaning in your music.” I was gobsmacked. I don’t know why I found this answer so compelling, but it filled me with joy and understanding: Of course! There was tremendous meaning in music! And it did not matter whether I stayed in the pipe band or not, as long as I was pursuing music of some sort. I needed to do that which made my music meaningful. At this point, it all started to quickly fade. I was losing my connection to the DMT reality and falling back into normal consciousness. I so did not want to go back... I clung to the faint wisps of Her Presence for as long as possible. When they were finally gone, I rolled over and told my guide with a smile “I’m back”. The whole thing had taken under four minutes. In the hours and days that followed my experience, I did not believe for one minute that everything I witnessed was a simple dream, or a product of my imagination. The being I had met was not me. She was Other. I have been a lucid dreamer my whole life, so I was very familiar with that level of consciousness. This had been very different. I managed to have one other brief trip under the same circumstances, but I found it even harder to take in the smoke and so did not have the full “breakthrough” experience. Nevertheless, I did immediately feel Her unmistakable presence again, just as before, and she immediately addressed my first question half-formed. She said forcefully “No, we are two.” I had meant to ask her if we were “one”, meaning somehow the same person, or if she were some part of my subconscious, or even a future self. She clarified that immediately. I tried to get in another question: “Why is there so much suffering in the world?” I was looking for a purpose for suffering itself, on the large scale of things. She looked at me very sadly, and said “I’m sorry, we do not have time for that now. Perhaps next time.” I knew it before she said it because I was already slipping back to normal consciousness and could not maintain my connection to her. It had been very wonderful just confirming she was still there, however... I continue to try to figure out some trick to taking in enough DMT smoke to cross that barrier. I did quit the pipe band, which was much simplified by the pandemic, and started pursuing percussion (frame drums, bodhran, daf, and drum kit), which I found more rewarding. Very recently, I have joined another non-competitive pipe band, but this time, as a snare drummer. I can’t yet say that I have yet “found my meaning” in music. It is often a frustrating and lonely pursuit, and having such an analytic mind makes it difficult for me to “grasp” music in the way that I can intellectually grasp something by, say, reading a book about it! But my practice time feels like a healthy thing for me, and I am excited to have met an incredibly warm, mature, and talented group of people in my new band, who have welcomed me with open arms. So different from my first band... Perhaps this is just what I was looking for.