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This is a void dump post. Feel free to read n give opinion if pulled to do so. This is about grief n loss n with the embodiment of that being n allowing a space for honesty n hopes, death n wish.(Mainly about my mental state with my experience with a Abortion 9 months ago,) realization n this was what I channeled:: (I WISH) -I wish I taught myself how to love. I wish I knew what that meant for me wishing I could have given you the love I can’t comprehend in this human form. I am a make believe shell of what could have been alive; Full. Instead I’m sitting on an alter alone: empty, but I am being respected as if I were a untouchable god surrounded by Jems if I chose to reflect n really look at how hollow n empty I am but I am actually a Shell on a alter in the dark that can still see the Jems. I wish I taught you how to walk.I wish I could have walked with you. Left you better than I found me at the end, guaranteed. Selfishly I could let you take the lead while we talk so all I have to do is make sure we don’t step off the path.I wish I could have at least once seen you fall n scream words I wish you didn’t hear me say. I know that’s harsh to say to you cause you never got to learn to run away from me like I did. I can’t believe you taught me how to feel. Yet you never got to see the sun. A Stubborn Empty shell on the windowsillI wish you close the curtains before you left. I wish I could have taught you how to run I wish I could have chased you in the mud.I would love for one day that You n Me; of what has been shifted in perspective n ways of looking at life. I take Responsibility for my Faults. Ripples of choice n growth or drowning, n I know a lot of damage n unjustified control i can’t even begin to understand from your own than how I on what I felt so strong about. I resented n envied the fact my choice of environment held it in what way I felt selfishly owed at the time I asked you to leave. I couldn’t let go of what I never allowed myself to fathom the thought of expectation of trusting/ valuing another or self. I was offended by the thought of pointing that to myself let alone you. I wish I could given time and value directly for you.I misunderstand n then blamed anything for my own 1 minded thinking.I wish I had a photo of the what you you taught me to make in my day to day choices. created I fully believe I have done n have justifiably made a choice that would have made some impact on you… good n bad. i hope you understand but I don’t forget what has been chosen on both sides: I now see my faults n I would love to see what maybe you have now found yourself in this freckle on the ass of godYou have no blame as bad or worse as my own. That’s a big statement. Yet some how, in some coincidence we found a thread that connected n untangled it together. Sadly we separate but we ended up on some random parallel timeline of a Island together n that’s a lot more than a lot of gods in cave drawing an I can say n that’s not even giving respect or value to what we fucking did n I thank you wholehearted.I can not fucking recognize the way I used to value all n self, n you have been a huge impact to my flow creating ripples n seeing what I am capable of. I give my self credit. “what do you want”You. As I want Me.I wish better for you. As I should wish for me….Right? what you were trying to battle in the world you saw while trying to clean up the mess I was asking you to hold. Before seeing the sun. I wish one day I might feel honored some good happen despite what hatful n selfish chose to have fentanyl pushed in, while ripping n viscously separating by my own choosing…. …………..I wish I made my dads gluttony confirmed heart attack home made fettuccine alfredo chicken. I wish I hyper focused of what you wanted. I’m trailing off… back on to some the make believe thing that ironically looked like I really big vacuum. That sucked the physical idea n all butterflies we could have chased. Instead I was it sat down. Given a juice box. Hearing I must sit n soak in what was taken; alone. U shaped divider pretending to give a false idea peace is real. Seconds feels like lives that we could have seen. All I know Life is Death Happy is SadCrawling is Walking Except for myself. For Now. Running is something I now do for you.Despite my unjustified resentment for the sun touching my spark instead of yours. Even after it all I’m running looking for plates that look like n sound like n smell like the plates I had wanted n held with you.The reality of the After, the plate I always thought I wanted wasn’t clean to begin with. Makes sense to find dirt when digging through the mud of my overwhelming thoughts.Mainly wishes. I held unfair resentment to After.the plates I brought to the table were nothing like how unimaginably possibilities of plates you could have learned to glass blow yourself. As I could do.,. I would love to maybe have the opportunity to see if you’d be willing to talk on a nonjudgmental. No attachment. No expectation. Just see one another as once was to non physical, unidentified way of communication only we understand.Maybe see growth in self through reflection. Despite being empty or a past thought… My number 333-111-8083Hope you’re still jumping realms humbly as I know I would have given you. Guaranteed. Thank you for being who you are with what I chose you couldn’t be. I can’t believe I was where I was in my head n I can’t take anything back not forget what happened.I have really enjoyed seeing the sun n feeling the heat you tried to get show me how to make. I wish I had the music down when you were asking me for help maintaining yours.I wish we were all saints. N you and I were both Angles walking in. Some random path you are leading me on. You happy looking at the bugs on the ground. As I was. N I am happy looking as the oddly shaped clouds in the sky. As I know you would. Sadly. No one’s a saint but you did what you needed n so did i. N you can’t say that’s not true. Guaranteed -Jem