PureJem28
on November 2, 2023
58 views
This is a void dump post.
Feel free to read n give opinion if pulled to do so.
This is about grief n loss n with the embodiment of that being n allowing a space for honesty n hopes, death n wish.
(Mainly about my mental state with my experience with a Abortion 9 months ago,) realization n this was what I channeled::
(I WISH) -
I wish I taught myself how to love.
I wish I knew what that meant for me wishing I could have given you the love I can’t comprehend in this human form.
I am a make believe shell of what could have been alive; Full.
Instead I’m sitting on an alter alone: empty, but I am being respected as if I were a untouchable god surrounded by Jems if I chose to reflect n really look at how hollow n empty I am but I am actually a Shell on a alter in the dark that can still see the Jems.
I wish I taught you how to walk.
I wish I could have walked with you. Left you better than I found me at the end, guaranteed.
Selfishly I could let you take the lead while we talk so all I have to do is make sure we don’t step off the path.
I wish I could have at least once seen you fall n scream words I wish you didn’t hear me say.
I know that’s harsh to say to you cause you never got to learn to run away from me like I did.
I can’t believe you taught me how to feel.
Yet you never got to see the sun.
A Stubborn Empty shell on the windowsill
I wish you close the curtains before you left.
I wish I could have taught you how to run
I wish I could have chased you in the mud.
I would love for one day that You n Me; of what has been shifted in perspective n ways of looking at life. I take Responsibility for my Faults.
Ripples of choice n growth or drowning, n I know a lot of damage n unjustified control i can’t even begin to understand from your own than how I on what I felt so strong about. I resented n envied the fact my choice of environment held it in what way I felt selfishly owed at the time I asked you to leave.
I couldn’t let go of what I never allowed myself to fathom the thought of expectation of trusting/ valuing another or self.
I was offended by the thought of pointing that to myself let alone you.
I wish I could given time and value directly for you.
I misunderstand n then blamed anything for my own 1 minded thinking.
I wish I had a photo of the what you you taught me to make in my day to day choices. created I fully believe I have done n have justifiably made a choice that would have made some impact on you… good n bad.
i hope you understand but I don’t forget what has been chosen on both sides:
I now see my faults n I would love to see what maybe you have now found yourself in this freckle on the ass of god
You have no blame as bad or worse as my own.
That’s a big statement.
Yet some how, in some coincidence we found a thread that connected n untangled it together. Sadly we separate but we ended up on some random parallel timeline of a Island together n that’s a lot more than a lot of gods in cave drawing an I can say n that’s not even giving respect or value to what we fucking did n I thank you wholehearted.
I can not fucking recognize the way I used to value all n self, n you have been a huge impact to my flow creating ripples n seeing what I am capable of. I give my self credit. “what do you want”
You. As I want Me.
I wish better for you.
As I should wish for me….
Right?
what you were trying to battle in the world you saw while trying to clean up the mess I was asking you to hold. Before seeing the sun.
I wish one day I might feel honored some good happen despite what hatful n selfish chose to have fentanyl pushed in, while ripping n viscously separating by my own choosing….
…………..
I wish I made my dads gluttony confirmed heart attack home made fettuccine alfredo chicken.
I wish I hyper focused of what you wanted.
I’m trailing off… back on to some the make believe thing that ironically looked like I really big vacuum.
That sucked the physical idea n all butterflies we could have chased.
Instead I was it sat down. Given a juice box. Hearing I must sit n soak in what was taken; alone. U shaped divider pretending to give a false idea peace is real. Seconds feels like lives that we could have seen.
All I know
Life is Death
Happy is Sad
Crawling is Walking
Except for myself. For Now.
Running is something I now do for you.
Despite my unjustified resentment for the sun touching my spark instead of yours.
Even after it all I’m running looking for plates that look like n sound like n smell like the plates I had wanted n held with you.
The reality of the After, the plate I always thought I wanted wasn’t clean to begin with.
Makes sense to find dirt when digging through the mud of my overwhelming thoughts.
Mainly wishes.
I held unfair resentment to After.
the plates I brought to the table were nothing like how unimaginably possibilities of plates you could have learned to glass blow yourself. As I could do.,.
I would love to maybe have the opportunity to see if you’d be willing to talk on a nonjudgmental. No attachment. No expectation. Just see one another as once was to non physical, unidentified way of communication only we understand.
Maybe see growth in self through reflection. Despite being empty or a past thought…
My number 333-111-8083
Hope you’re still jumping realms humbly as I know I would have given you. Guaranteed.
Thank you for being who you are with what I chose you couldn’t be.
I can’t believe I was where I was in my head n I can’t take anything back not forget what happened.
I have really enjoyed seeing the sun n feeling the heat you tried to get show me how to make.
I wish I had the music down when you were asking me for help maintaining yours.
I wish we were all saints. N you and I were both Angles walking in. Some random path you are leading me on. You happy looking at the bugs on the ground. As I was. N I am happy looking as the oddly shaped clouds in the sky. As I know you would.
Sadly. No one’s a saint but you did what you needed n so did i. N you can’t say that’s not true.
Guaranteed
-Jem
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