473231dd-d52c-4c46-8b1d-c7e91dac4777

7 grams of Mel's.Let me explain how I got here. I decided I needed to try and address my "trauma" from my childhood. Towards the end of last summer I took a trip across country. 3600 miles in total. I packed my vehicle with my dog and we left. My intentions were to visit the places I grew up and to face for the first time as an adult my worst memories. I've always been a "compartmentalize" or "head on" person when it comes to "bad" in any context. I felt I've learned so much from my exploratory journey with mushrooms over the past 3 years. I was ready. I went to my childhood house. Where I was initially raised. As an adult I don't really "fear". I remember a sense of anxiety driving into the state. Like a child who knows a punishment is coming. I parked at the bottom of the hills where I played "freely" as a child. Mainly to talk myself up and give some sense of courage. I haven't been back in 35 years. Time doesn't always heel all wounds. There are scars don't always visibly show. This was that. Stepping foot at "home" made me feel like alone and terrified again. This was the home where I was beaten molested and abandoned by my mother and the men she "dated". She didn't actually molest me she knew,she also didn't care. I was nothing to her. I don't know what I really got from this specific stop in my journey. I left in tears. My poor dog. He really was put through the ringer the entire time. I could feel him though. The bond. Next stop was 1 state over. I needed to visit my grandparents. They both passed. I never got to talk to them, explain myself while they were alive. So I went to the cemetery where they lay. Driving to them was a painful experience. I felt I failed them. Especially my grandfather. Walking the cemetery I cried. Mumbled,lost my self. Seeing my dog, brought me back. I kneeled down and we talked. Not verbally. But with feelings and emotions. Looking into his beautiful eyes and seeing him cry because he felt my pain was like no other. I could feel his every fiber and how he wanted to shield me. Protect me. Make me feel loved. That's what he lives for. The unconditional I never had. We spoke and I understood. Like he did. I talked to my grandparents and apologized. I introduced them to my dog. I stood in silence because I felt a conversation I wasn't privy to was taking place between them. It was all surreal. There conversation was for them like mine and my dog for him and I. Leaving I felt a sense of relief.i didn't feel like a scared or alone. Mainly grief for how I've treated myself. We left and I went to grandparents House. It's been 34 years since I've been back. My worst memory about living there is always the freshed. I feel like I failed my grandfather. He died upstairs while I was getting ready for school. He was my everything during that time of my life. He passed away on the floor in the bathroom. I said goodbye and I love as before I left for school, except this time he didn't answer. I knew something was wrong but as a child with little understanding I didn't do or say anything.Just left. When I came home that day and saw my family I knew instantly. I've hated myself ever since. just like my mother abandoned me when I needed her the most as a child,I felt like I did the same to my hero. Walking through the house it was almost like I was 7 again except it was different. Tainted. I silently spoke my peace to the universe and left. Again, in tears. This was a little easier this time. Onto my last stop. The house I "lived" in until I left for the military. My mother's pride and joy. The "main Street" house. I parked at the bottom and talked to my dog again. Let him know what I felt and thought. As we walked up to the house it all came back. Pain hurt misery. This is the house where I found the pictures. The pictures my mother had hidden. Like her own metal of badge of dishonor. These were the pictures she had of the person that molested me. She saved them. I was returning. To say I felt like a 7 year alone was an understatement. We walked and my dog kept his promises. He was protecting me from me. Them. I could feel his energy around me. Him making deal's with the universe to protect me. I believe if we kept going on my selfish journey he would've died giving his life energy to protect me. Tears rolling down my face.i felt love unconditionally.Him. I immediately left. I couldn't lose him. I cried in my truck while he watched over me. Trying to heal me. I love him. I drove 1800 miles in 3 days to get back home.6 months later. A fuck ton of processing it was time to take these Mel's. I've worked them for years now. (It's amazing to see the growth of mushrooms when you take them after tirelessly searching for the "Best" traits. The progression is tangible. Those 7 grams torched me. Like 28 grams had. Fuck. It's amazing how much can change just after 2 years of working on them) That mushroom journey let me know I still have much to work on. However it's getting better.i had to watch The video because I had no recollection. I do remember vomiting. That's when I "blasted off" like DMT. Feint memories of my childhood explorations were present.i realized I'll never escape that. As much as I was unaware for most of my life it was defined me. What I did however realize is that. I'll only be as free as I'll let myself be.