My first and 2nd experience, possibly last?

After learning of the molecule over 10 years ago it finally found me 2 weeks ago. My anticipation and curiosity was elevated and I was impatient. I didn't prepare properly and didn't have a good setting. I was too eager and over confident I took 3 hits one after another without really holding in and WOOOHHH, nothing you read or watch can even come close to preparing you for the experience, it is indeed very humbling, frightening, and jarring to reality. No words can justifiably describe what actually happens.

Let's just say I felt like it was telling me I was being too casual, I was stuck in this 'room' and everything was golden that kept repeating itself with possibly an entity that made me really uncomfortable, I did not break through. My brain was fighting it, trying to grasp reality and hold onto my consciousness, I knew that and wanted to let go, but I didn't know how. My friend was asking if I want to take another hit, but I was too scared and tripping balls to have the courage to go deeper in the rabbit hole (now I know that extra hit was probably needed to take me out of there). It was frightening and I kept drifting in and out my thoughts and then realising I was still under. It was extremely intense, I kept thinking to myself 'am I stuck like this forever', 'have I screwed my brain over', thinking 'holy shit, I'm STILL tripping' over and over again. Then I'd open my eyes, my friends were sitting there watching me, 3 of them, with some really random music playing from a DMT video we pulled up in youtube (real bad choice), in hindsight I did everything I read not to do, because I was over confident and did not respect the power of the molecule.

When I opened my eyes the living room we were was golden coloured with some kind of pink prism rainbow effect on filter, it was incredible and pictures on the walls of some Marvel characters in plain 2D posters become alive and holographic, this part was calming from the jarring experience when I closed my eyes.

The experience was frightening and my mind fought it, after I came out I could not remember the room (don't even feel comfortable calling it a room because I actually have no clue wtf that was) anymore and all I could remember was something was frightening and the colours. I probably kept my eyes open for the last 3-4 minutes until it wore off completely as I was too scared to go back into the 'room'. After it wore off I was having body tremors and shakes, it wasn't cold, but my body was in slight shock.

Funny thing is, after that day, I had no memory of what was really frightening. 2 weeks have passed I started talking myself into trying again with only an inkling of fear in the back of my mind and absolutely no idea why.

So yesterday I mustered up the courage to give it another try, in my own bed, by myself, with no distractions like 2 weeks ago, but I put on sounds from a forest to try to set a calm atmosphere. I took the first hit, held it in until nothing came out when I breathed out and within seconds the high pitch vibrations started and all the sudden the memories came back, and I metaphorically shat myself as I start seeing the initial visions of going into the same place that I dreaded. I did not take a second hit, but let it ride out without going into the room full blast. I was still not ready to take the leap, totally pussied out.

That was yesterday, already the same thing is happening, and I'm losing memory of the visuals and what happens when I blast off. I think my brain has learnt subconsciously about DMT, as I was driving to work this morning and just imagining taking DMT my whole body started to get goosebumps.

I'm not sure if I will ever be able to go the whole way and breakthrough, but I am still curious, quite the dilemma.