28 grams and a smile

I owe a lot of this experince to a few special people. Noor you don't judge me. You only love and accept me. Seeing what you went through when i too k the 14grams of Ape's let me know i needed to do this alone. K.S you are friend and i love you also,you are an amazing person. If any of you don't know who Happy and mighty eagle are please go introduce yourself to them,they are so kind.Also my dog tank. I love you so much. I'm sorry you had a melt down,i know you aren't just a dog. Everyone that has ever been around you knows the truth.

I also appreciate the people that have hurt me in unspeakable ways. Myself for prolonging my own torture. This is for you :)

Well,this has been along time in the works. I have had the idea of doing this dose for some time. I put the idea on the back burner and let it simmer. After speaking to a few people about the experiences they had on 28grams it let me know it was doable. So my journey began,i worked up to 14grams then 21 grams. I needed a reset after the 14 grams and ate 14grams of apes. That experience let me know i can do it.. I ate 28grams of syzygy to me they are near taking any pe type. it was a lot.. That was the theme... I over and over said"what is happening" "oh fuck""fuck me" I think you all get the drift. For the first 45 or so minutes i can remember fairly well,after i was out on my feet. Eventually i was out out out... Watching the video and seeing myself for about 20 minutes just moan and flop is unsettling. I can remember what was happening and i now see i wasnt awake,i was having something else entirely happen. I can only give feed back andmy thoughts based off what was recorded. My 128g fresh memory card filled up before i was done. I had no idea filming in 4k would burn through the space. I am heart broken about missing out on the last 45 minutes. Some very special moments that occured organically are lost. i know the people that shared them with me won't forget about our talks on the phone during my break down of self. I remeber the actions and sort of remeber my head space however i am a saidst and enjoy hurting myself. So i would of liked to see my brain fading away. I've never been the person to detach from myself to watch my misery,now since i've been recording myself i enjoy..... it makes me cry,i typically don't do that except when it comes to tank.

I am a sick fuck i accept that,i've made piece with that. That is why i mainly have friends that are sick fucks also. You know the type,some of you are even sick fucks like me,some are and are afraid to admit it. I asay all that to segway into what else i remember. 

I have no doubt that where i go wheb i close my eyes is the same place i go to when  i do dmt. The visuals are identical. The diffence is on mushrooms where i go to is meaner. I have always had a female voice talk to me. About a week ago i did some amazing jim jam,i finally saw her,she opened a door and while she walked through it she said"you are not ready..haha".On Christmas I took a "medium' (to me) dose  it was a mix of mel mac and different pe types. 10 grams in total. It was semi boring,not as fun. I relaized then in order to achieve what i want it's got to be higher. A thing happened that i can't let go of,is hearing the female voice... She was angry!!!! I went to rubix cube dimension just like on dmt and she said"GET YOUR GUNZZZZZZ,YOUR MACHINE GUNZZZZZZ.HA HA". So yeah that left a memory etched. So now instead of hearing the female voice it was a bassy male voice,it sounded like he was commentating my life... I hear an"i can't help you" it cought me off gaurd.... it's the 1st time i heard that voice,so i was surprised,I hsve no idea where it came from. The next was "you son of a bitch" so i said "what the fuck" and i heard a sword slicing...zzzching zzzching sound...i was not okay at that point..... finally i heard his voice again...."you are amazing!!!!! the best that's ever done it" i'd like to say thank you,however i realize it was a backhanded compliment. I kind of faintly remeber these things but watching the video and seeing me say it /acknowledge the voice was different.. Not to long after that i basically faded away. I can a little of it.

I want to be criticized and ridiculed i want to be torn apart.................This is where my inner sadist comes out... fuck me,i had no idea until now.. 

I flop around knock everything off the bed.. then  then i go silent and go out.. i never go out. To watch myslef groan a little and flop was fucked... because i was able to remember what was happening..... So in my head while i was out i thought i was in real life awake... i was not. I thought i was talking tot he camera about my self loath and what my life has become. How it's okay because i have money in the bank....retired at 40.. so try and judge me.... Then i went to what is the meaning of life...I came to no solid answer.. my eyes were starting to hurt me so closed them and reponed them.....it was all in my head...i lived another part of me in another place...timeline.. then poof i really do wake up and i feel alone i reach for my phone to start to try and use it and my camera sd is now full... bullshit.... I can remember having this realization that i'm alone.. i fianlly talk to Noor who called to check on me, i think she was glad she wasn't here,i feel like i could sense it... i talked to my friend hearing a voice calmed me, i hung up and then poof back out cold....i can't say what what happened for the next 30 or so minutes. i don't know... i really wish my sd card was bigger.... once more....Poof i "woke up" like i felt like i woke up from a sleep. It was so bizarre. I looked around and was blown away by the shear carnagein the bedroom... I instantly looked for tank,last i remembered he was next to me. He left and was passed out snoring on the couch. So i guess he felt okay with how i was.. I watched the video and saw him leave the bed and come back to check on me. He did destroy his rope toy.. i could tell he did it due deal with his stress and anxiety.

What did i learn from this you might ask? I have found what makes me smile on the inside. I am going to continue to film myself.eventually i plan on editing the videos and doing commentary on them. i want to turn this into a documentary of my exploration into my mind.. Then submit it to SXSW. I want the world to see me for what i am.. Hopefully i'll have the raw footage available tonight so whoever wants to watch can..  Thank you for letting me share myself with all of you..:)