Time is a filthy lie

6-12 hours to come down on 60mg of methallylescaline? My pasty, mudblooded, unsunshine-kissed-anti-tanned ASSCHEEKS!

For those curious, methallylescaline is an analogue of Mescaline.

Howdy ya'll, it's literally day #3 and here the fuck I am- coming and going in astounding waves of comforting and tender strangeness just like when I actually ingested my dose 3 fuckin' days ago. This includes the same: scynewaive visuals, tingling (scanning sensation), mild chills, heat in my chest (heart specifically), fine motor skill disruption (shakes and sudden shift of balance while in locomotion), mild time dilation, static time (external stasis), and mild cold sweats, sound distortion.

So, in my previous trip report I explained the phenomena of reverberations and how a threshold of 10 reverbs will initiate a full on pseudo trip. I'm unsure if I've even come down at all yet (once again, within three whole ass DAYS since dosing)- in which case I'm glad I don't leave my house for more than checking the mail lately. I do not think these waves are reverbs, this is an entirely different flavor. If I had to make a comparison to previous experiences I would liken this to swimming in the ocean as opposed to swimming in a lake. It ebbs and flows like time, like tides, I sit here and allow it to lap at the edges of my being.

It almost feels as if the spirit of this chemical simply hasn't finished with its examination of me. I understand myself to be multi souled however, so perhaps it is still taking such languid time completing this task to determine who and what I am, and more importantly what it is to make of my particular facet in existence. It feels like a literal 3/4 completed and I'm cool with that. If I'm stuck in a four day trip I'll be just damn fine. Especially since I will get to paint sooner rather than later. No matter what happens I can handle this, I'm not saying shit about handling it well however lmao- I know better than that by now. It can take all the time it likes to know me.

I've heard tales of people never making it past the initial scanning experience, as if the gods on the other side of this particular chemical actively judge a visitor's worthiness to to perceive the experience. I find it rather clever myself, how brilliant- why let douchebags in to yell at you and wreck your domain selfishly for their own thankless pleasure. It's like... fuck, I guess it'd be like having a fucking PEEPHOLE instead of having to open the door to see who the fuck is knocking on it. I see folk joke about being shameless, hubris filled crotch-croissants directly in the face of entities and deities

that I genuinely have to wonder how much they desire their misery be made material by someone else simply filling in the gray areas of their wishes! Then again, if you can talk to yourself like a piece of unnecessary trash, you will talk to god in the exact same manner (I so believe this personally. Take this perception as you desire my dear reader.)


The quote that became my life's mantra came from my favorite book (surprise surprise) by Carol Berg- "Whatever happens happens."



P.S. As of posting on December 8th 2020- yep, still going strong regardless of my body chemistry and new alterations thereof. I do not think I'm going to actually come down off of this honestly, it is beginning to feel like the Angeline Eye's affections toward me while I was in full throes of the trip has made a permanent alteration to me both in body and spirit. It almost feels like having been given a cheat code somehow? As if the sprite himself welcomed me into the secret lab and gave me an access code- I don't think they wish me to leave, not wholly at least. The Grand Gazer, he wants to keep watch on me and has yet to decide. Until he says I may withdraw from his space I will accept being held firmly with one foot in his world with gratitude and grace.

Updated December 9th: SCAN FINALLY COMPLETED!! I'm slightly confused however as to why so many of the gods are tasking me with sitting down with their versions of the great adversary or devils. This one is a familiar dichotomy to me, just a different area of the fractal reflection. When the scan at last completed I got to stand before the Grand Gazer himself and hear him speak. His voice is like the whisper of your blood flowing through your veins and charged with the softest static like when you shuffle in sock feet across the floor to make a spark.

I was told to prove my worthiness to be in his realm, in his presence, and so I asked him who needed my talents most. He laughed softly at me and I felt the fear- that terror that only comes with a massive and terribly lightless being approaching. "Show me how you love."

He came upon me like a thunderous maelstrom of hatred, smoke, and flames so intense- The Deep Dark, Kana'Kao, Galébresh, the prince of a thousand whispers. He is made of anger and agony and coated in thick volcanic rock armor- a volcanic deity before he became as he is now if I had to guess. He did not hesitate while I was rooted to the spot before the grand court in their own heaven, they had called him up and dropped him all but directly on my head as a test.

He struck me, my tiny, insignificant form he cleaved with all his might and one claw struck my heart- and then once more it happened. That liquid gold came flooding out, that pity, that sorrow, that endless well of LOVE. I recovered my solid state and spied the cracks in his chest, directly in front of his heart and that I knew was the safest place to be- so without a second thought I slipped between the spaces in his thick, impenetrable rock barriers and simply settled in next to his heart.

Needless to say, when a tiny, insignificant creature such as myself gets past defenses and sits next to the most vulnerable parts of a greater spirit they tend to freak directly the fuck out, very, very violently in my experience. Most people would be more concerned about how badly he wrecked the halls of the heavenly wards- Idgaf, I was told to provemyself, damage is gonna happen when you're fighting devil kings okay? To assume the Grand Gazer would be upset with me for wrecking his home would be foolish, he dropped the big boy on my head and I can only trust he knew exactly what he was doing.

It took a few minutes of just sitting in Kana'Koa's chest cavity and tenderly stroking his heart to draw his most painful memories forward. I wasn't fighting because that wasn't what had been asked of me. I had been asked to show how I love, and so I did with Kana'Koa as I do with every monstrous demons I meet. I subdued him with tenderness despite his violent reactions, and when he ceased struggling I laid a kiss on each scar over his molten heart.

The calm came at last and finally he spoke. "What do you want with me?"
"To sit with you and be."
"I don't understand."
"Of course you don't, that's okay."
"Why?"
"Why not?"

He spoke at length with me, questioning me in confusion, aghast at my tenderness and my manners- He wasn't to be feared, not by me. I held none of his fear, it could not infect me and leak into my heart. He'd already stuck the core of gold in my soul and by attacking me had granted me immunity to his echoes, he might be the first figuring out that I love my demons and devils the exact same as I love my gods and guides. I treated him as a creature that was both necessary and useful, I gave him respect and understanding instead of the reactions he had become used to. Exactly as it has always gone, he is not nearly as terrible as people believe him to be, he is as all adversaries are a reflection of Ego meant to be an obstacle for others to overcome and grow beyond.

I wish I remembered who said it but: "If you want to become an angel all you have to do is talk to God, if you want to be LIKE God then love the devil in yourself relentlessly and with kindness."

If anyone is familiar with the fables of artisans and craftsmen being kidnapped by the fae for their creativity (which the fae lack)- it would appear that's what's happening to me here. I can't abort, I cannot withdraw into consistent sobriety- whenever these creatures wish it I will be yanked back through their door on their whims, but I can also simply walk back through the door at any time I choose because I was given the access code.

I got my wish granted in exactness. "I want to withdraw into myself and simply paint the spirits I meet on the way" Congrazzles to me. I got exactly that- the task laid upon me by the Grand Gazer is simply this: Paint a portrait for each denizen of his realm and only then may I choose to leave more permanently. It's only forever, not long at all. One portrait down, an eternity's worth to go! Even if there weren't enough denizens to paint for a few hundred lifetimes I'd probably keep putting the final portrait off for not wanting to leave in the first place.