Not letting go

I must start by saying that I had already made up my mind about eating them that night. However, I didn’t have the place where to and neither the right mindset to fully embrace what I had coming my way.
 

I spent a lot of time walking around the place I was living at that time, trying to find the right hotel where to trip and spend the night.

At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

The truth is, even though I had already made up my mind, there was a part of me that was afraid. I passed many possible hotels telling myself that they weren’t the right one until I finally built up the needed courage and will to go inside one of them.

The hotel reception was on the second floor. I climbed the stairs and saw the receptionist. I asked him for a room, the keys were given to me and I headed to it. I had to walk a hallway and pass many rooms before I was finally able to find the one I was given.

I unlocked the door and went inside. I was greeted by a small and simple room with no windows. The bed was next to the door, leaned against the wall, and next to it, on the wall, was a big mirror the size of the whole bed. There was a small table and a chair where I left my backpack with all the stuff I thought I would need that night: comfortable clothes, water, some nuts, a mango and (of course) the dried fungi.

Next, I entered the bathroom and took a quick leak before getting down to business. After I got out of it, I took my items out of the backpack and laid them on the table. I picked one of the mushrooms bags (I had 4 bags of 2.5 grams each) and opened it up. I took a deep breath of air and threw the whole content of the bag inside my mouth right away. While chewing the mushrooms,I felt the distinct flavor and sensations I find characteristic from previous trips. I tried not to pay too much attention to that and gulped it down when I thought I had chewed them enough. I quickly did the same with the ones that were left.

I decided to sit cross legged on the bed, closed my eyes for a while and tried to meditate. I’m not sure how much time had passed, I just knew the mushrooms had started to kick in.

Soon, I would find out that I wouldn't be able to tell time even if I tried.

The come up felt gradual, but fast. My whole body began to feel heavy and it started pulsating more intensely every instant I was aware of. My analytic and rational mind started to fade out and fade in. It tried to regain the control of my body and the situation in general. Between those moments where my mind drifted to the unknown and fought back to regain control, I started to freak out.

I didn’t want this anymore, I wanted out and I wanted it NOW. I stood up and began pacing from the bed to the bathroom and from the bathroom to the bed, more times that I can recall. While doing so, I was and telling myself repeatedly:

“What have you done to yourself?!”

Suddenly, I remembered the mango. For some reason, I had the idea that sugar would act as a counter effect to what I was feeling. I went to the table, quickly grabbed it and desperately took a bite of it. I was barely able to eat what I had put in my mouth. I lost the grasp of my body and mind again and let the mango fall from my hand.

I could feel myself collapsing and tried to get to the bed. However, In the middle of the way, I couldn’t handle whatever was happening to me any longer and let myself, harshly, lay face down on the floor.

As I lied there, I used the last strength I had left in me trying to figure out what to do next. I thought of calling someone, but couldn’t think of who. The only one that came to my mind was the mother of my child and she has always shown herself spiteful against this sort of stuff. The thought of her led me to think about my son and, once again, I repeatedly started to talk to myself:

“Why are you so selfish?! Why?!”

I tried to think more about my son and, even though, part of me wanted to get sad, I wasn’t able to. I didn’t have the required energy to get sad.

At last, I thought to myself:

“Well, this is it. You’ve finally done it. You are dying.”

Now, there was nothing left for me to do other than to let go. So, without thinking any further, I did and died. 

At least, that’s what I thought.
 

I wasn’t my body any longer. I wasn’t in my body any longer, not even my mind. And yet, somehow, there was still a kind of sentient and conscious self I was aware of. Whatever I had become began going through a loop of messy and random stuff from which I could only discern one thing:

A name.

It was the name of a girl I had dated long ago. A girl whom I broke up with because I felt I wasn’t able to reciprocate her love as she really deserved. A girl whom, after some years of the break up, I tried to contact back to say sorry for the way I had ended things up and felt, once again, that I had screwed it up. I girl I, deeply inside, knew I loved; but was, for some reason, scared and unable to say out loud.

Inside this “place”, somehow, I knew I was able to reach out to her; but, not even dead, was I able to build up the courage to do so one more time.

At that moment, I began to hear the sound of someone knocking on a door and, after that, I heard a voice calling my name. Instinctively, I said “mom?” and knew it was her. I didn’t get to see her; but I knew it was.

“Mom?!” - I said again
“Mom, I love you so much!” - I exclaimed

I saw the name of the girl once again. This time, it was displayed as it being a part of something that looked like a facebook profile that displayed a photo of her as well. This sort of profile thing began changing into different profiles of people I knew. Then not only people I knew in person, but also famous people.

Finally, I was shown mine and something in me clicked.

You see, I was being shown that all people, including myself were the same. Not just in the sense that we are humans, but as in WE ARE THE SAME, we are all one.

I realized then that by not being able to say “I love you” to the girl I was in love with long ago, I was not only not able to say it to her; but I wasn’t able to say it to myself either.

I didn’t love myself.

I suddenly felt my eyes open and saw myself looking back at me. I felt something bubbling up inside, a feeling I had not felt ever in my life.

It was self love. Unconditional love.

I realized I was no longer on the floor. I was on the bed and I was completely naked. What I was seeing was my own reflection on the mirror next to me. I felt beautiful in every single possible way. I started checking out every part of my body. I felt as alive as I'd never ever felt before.

My awareness was brought up to my surroundings. I jolted from the bed and began screaming as loud and as many times as I could:

“NATALY, I LOVE YOU!!!!!”

I laughed hysterically until I heard someone knocking on the door once again. However, now “awake” I thought it might be someone knocking on the room’s door. I tried to ignore it, but it continued. I was reluctant to open the door for a while, but something forced me to. 

Still naked, I opened the door and saw no one. I stood there for a minute or two. Then, something told me I should go outside and I shily did.

As I began walking through the hallway, my shyness was stripped away. I kept walking until I saw the hotel reception where the receptionist was looking down, probably to his cellphone.

I stood there for a while until he finally acknowledged me and quickly said to me:

“Sir, what are you doing here?! You can’t be here like this. Go back to your room!”

To which I replied: “Why not, Nataly? What’s the matter? This IS my home!”

A window caught my eye and I began walking towards it. I saw the same street I walked by to get to the hotel, now from above. It was beautiful. I said:

“Is this how everything has always been?”

Not only referring to the streets, but to the world and everything that constitutes it.

By now, I realized, the receptionist had been behind me the whole time. He was talking to me. He said once again to please go back to my room. I ignored him for a bit more and without saying anything else, I went back in. I felt cold and put my clothes back on. I laid on the bed and fell asleep.