I THINK I FUCKED UP... AGAIN

I have been in a depressive funk since my last trip. Actually, it has been since the last three trips that I have been in a funky mess.  So, four trips ago I had the ecstatic realization that I am in a game, and I won, and in that trip I met my avatar. It was exciting to learn, but I came out not knowing what to do with this information. Then, after going back I felt as though I was offered a choice to return to the game or stay in the realm. I chose to stay in the game and ever since then all my trips have been a reminder that I chose to stay and that I am essentially locked in.

The depression centers on “what now” and while I don’t want to go back into the DMT realm I always feel compelled to return. However, each time I return there is a clear message that I am locked in. The feeling is overwhelming while I am in the DMT space and I feel a deep sadness about the knowledge of reality. The game is an absoluteness which cannot be stopped. This has left me in a funk to say the least. The drug uncovers so much yet the information fades away as quickly as it arrives.  The “ness” of the trips lingers on, but without the information to process I quickly become the stupid monkey over and over again.

The stupid monkey keeps wanting to return to “fix” the funk and turn the page to the next chapter. The stupid monkey keeps reading other’s experiences of Gaia, cosmos traveling, Mother, God, and spiritual enlightenment, and the stupid monkey thinks he’ll meet them too. He doesn’t, and according to my “breakthroughs” he never will.  The stupid monkey will probably go back again.

This last trip (four hours ago) hit me on the back of the head, and I basically saw my intentions of coming to the same space over and over and over and over like Groundhog Day. Literally just like Bill Murray’s character I have reached the same place that I was before. The same fucking place! Infinite times. Infinite fucking times LOL. I have to laugh because how pathetic is that? You know how people say they’ve been there before? Yeah, well I have, and the joke is on me.

Here’s the rub. Immediately coming out; while the shit is still zippy da-doing all over the fucking place in this awake reality (the irony is epic), I feel absolute in my discovery of my choice, my state of awareness, and the hopelessness of my situation. In fact, twice now, I can recall coming out saying “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad”. This time I curled up on my bed and asked myself “How many times have you done this?” which echoed. It fucking echoed as if to say, “a fucking lot dude”.  As I sat up and looked at myself in the mirror, still looking like a fucking digital cartoon,  I said outload “at least you get to forget it all, at least you will forget it all” and sure as shit the memory wipe came zooming through me like a freaking cleanup crew for Men In Black.

What’s the takeaway? Well, right now I am not depressed anymore, so that’s a good thing. I mean it is gone. Zero, nada. I just hope it lasts because I’m sure I’ve fucked my serotonin levels hard this time. However, this time does feel different, and I actually feel more pissed than anything, and that’s a new feeling for me. I’m pissed because knowing I’m a fuckup in the DMT realm doesn’t inspire me for having a great afterlife.  But really, I’m cool. I understand. I have to do the work. I have to level up. No shortcuts. No magic wands. The spoon is going to have to be a fucking a spoon for the next thirty or so years. This life is all me.

Fuck

P.S.

I see emblems (like in my post’s picture) repeatedly (every fucking time like clockwork) which no one has described (at least no one I’ve run into), and it has been driving me mad to figure it out. This last trip gave me the clearest image yet. If anyone has seen a similar reoccurring object please let me know. The stupid monkey is still curious.