The Multiple Matrix

Photo credit: Viktor Koen “The AOI”

About two weeks ago I discovered my Avatar face to face, and I was absolutely blown away. Terrance McKenna had it right about “Death by Astonishment”. All prior trips were in my summation an adjustment stage to normalize the unknow within my psyche, or in other words prepping me to not explode.  

I have done three extraction rounds of MHRB 100g thus far, and apart from a couple doses I have consumed most of the extract on my own. I say this to paint the picture that I have been exploring more than the average bear, and while I attribute the slow uptake to my stubbornness toward the mystic, I have learned that some woo is necessary to participate fully. I am still skeptical about the religious, and or ceremonial implications surrounding DMT, but I recognize that some people need this to make their own senses and meanings. That said, I do think our existence here is not the base of our existence. So, what do I mean by this?

When I met my Avatar, like I said, my mind was absolutely blown away. I was ecstatic, astonished, happy, sad, and left with the implication that me, the ego in the monkey suit is more than a physical object in this physical world, free to write my story.  So, I sold everything I have accumulated, confronted all my fears, stood up for myself, and I have taken charge of my life. Just kidding. I'm still an ego in a monkey suit. 

That’s the funny thing about this drug, it has the power to peel you apart until you are nothing yet everything and then it dumps you back into this realm with little more than a whisper of what was experienced. Add on top of this that the “ah ha!” begins to fade over the days and sooner than later becomes replaced with doubt. So, like any good explorer I smoked more.

The next trip was ego separation on high gear. Zero turbo lag on this round. I did not get rocketed through the universe. I did not see “Mother”. I did not speak to God. I did not meet the octopus, or Zeus, or my neighbors lost cat. Nope, I met the players, and meeting them made me feel sick.  

Before I go into my profound discovery, I want to preface this that I think there is a possible reason for why my experiences are so different than other’s accounts, so please don’t think I am speaking for everyone when I recount my experience. I think our journey varies from starting point to starting point and perhaps my accounting illustrates where my essence’s starting point began. Okay, so on to the profound.

The rush consisted of all the symbols and objects I had seen before and they were folding in on themselves with DMT language "bup bip loop bop slurd ot" racing along side the imagery. Additionally, the symbols were running in parallel with a sequence of introductions from other players who have experienced my player through my avatar. Some were excited and some were apologetic about what they did. What? Players experiencing my player and they were fucking with my player? Yes, and this is when I began to feel sick. My player was in a sedation of sorts, and there were technicians tending to my player’s interface with the machine that links my avatar to the player. For the sake of storytelling, I am going to say “I” in reference to my player from here on. “I” was able to look around and see the machines, other players, and techs,  as well as open my avatar’s eyes to see the version of reality my avatar exists in. The avatar’s reality composited over my machine view and I was seemingly presented with a choice to stop playing or to return to the game. The choice seemed like I had no real choice but to return. The choice was sickening, sad, and deterministic. I really felt too tired and sick to stay I rolled back into my avatar like rolling off a bed into a pool.

As soon as I made this choice my Avatar’s eyes reopened and I was back, but I was back filled with the same sickness in my stomach and I felt exhausted by the entire experience. The earth realm was still being expressed in moving geometry, but that didn’t matter, it was normal, it was unimpressive to me. I cried, and rolled off the bed onto my hands and knees while the floor zig-zagged in and out of octagonal extrusions. Enlightenment was the last thing I was ever going to feel, and the retching in my stomach began to overwhelm me. I then fell to my side feeling pity for myself until I remembered that I didn’t have to feel this way. Right there on the floor I said to myself “this feeling is your choice.” I could choose to feel sadness or not. I then sat up, took a breath, and stood up and cleaned up my gear telling myself "My emotions are my choice". I then stuck up to middle fingers and said “Fuck you” with the thought that I am going to keep playing anyway.

The next few days I was hesitant to go back. I had no desire to return and face that reality again, but as I have come to learn, I am a very stubborn human. I could not leave this chapter as my final chapter with DMT, and so I planned to return.

It took a few more days for me to become brave enough, and when I finally did, I cleared my mind, lit the candle, and took in three deep hits. My plan was to go in eyes closed but DMT had other ideas. Upon the third hit it was too late to close my eyes, and immediately I was presented with the construct.

The construct is for lack of better words, like the Matrix. It is like a loading area, or holo-deck similar to Star Trek, where the walls resemble earth reality, but the earth reality is simply a projection onto the walls of the construct. This construct was revealed to me when I met my avatar. It is the quietest place you could imagine with no DMT vibrations, hums, or music to be found. My prior choice to stay was apparent, with no profound meaning, or imagery to gather. Yep, I chose to stay in Earth reality and the option to leave was off the table. Again, as soon as the choice was apparent, I was pulled back into the Earth realm. Once again, I felt the urge to vomit. This time I said okay, lets vomit. I walked to the restroom and submitted to vomiting. I leaned over the toilet and with one gag it was over.  No vomit, okay then. I instantly felt relieved like I had purged something out of me. Was this symbolic, or just a nervous reaction to DMT?  I cannot say except that I did not feel sick or upset about the previous experience anymore.

I have smoked more since then, but only with my eyes open. I have decided to learn more about what is around us rather than focus on the other side of the Avatar. I have chosen to do this because simply knowing this reality is a game is enough for me, and I want to know more about the game to maximize my playing experience.

Resolving the issue of my player being a pin-cushion for other players to poke at still does not sit well with me, but that’s coming from my earth based ability to understand complexities outside my capacity to do so. I would like to think I don’t fully understand, and that a multi-tier simulation is just a misunderstanding which will be worked out later. For now, my experiences moving forward are precious to me, and I look forward to continuing my learning. My hope is to level up and get out of the confinement my player has found itself in, and or move to the next level, whatever that may be. It seems as though there is plenty more to explore here and I am eager to keep going.

On a side note. There are these lights which surround me while taking in DMT. They are becoming more and more bold each time, and I am not sure if they are interested in what I am doing or if they are seeking the DMT smoke. I say this because it seems as though whenever I pull in another hit the vaporizer appears to be under a spotlight. It glows bright and I can see my fingers casting shadows on the casing from the overhead light.  After the hit they begin to circle me, with one almost always parking to my right shoulder. I have tried speaking to them in my mind and letting them know I am not afraid of them. I have told them thank you for hanging with me, but there hasn’t been any interaction except for them moving around me. Their light illuminates the walls as they move. Some are white, some are red or magenta.  The more I smoke the more they seem to enter the space around me. Their motions are slow, and if I try to look at the light directly, they disappear. They then gradually reappear if I just look forward. In earlier closed eye trips, I remember the same light and warmth of the light rotating around me, so I am guessing they were not in the DMT realm, but rather earthly bound.  What's even more strange is that I am starting to think I see their light while not taking DMT which is interesting to me. Has the drug affected my brain into seeing delusional experiences, or am I simply more aware now of these things thanks to having experienced them? Fuck if I know.

There are only a few explanations I have come up with so far. 1. The drug is stimulating my optic nerves with the appearance of light and my brain is automatically filling in the blank that light equals heat. 2. Aliens 3. Spirits 4. Aliens 5. Fairies  LOL 6. Demons 7. My neighbors lost cat, or just fucking aliens.

I hope you enjoyed my read, and I look forward to hearing what you guys think. Thank you!