Trip #1: It felt like I was dying

I was putting off the writing of trip reports for a while, but I think it's time to write them down. So this is the first trip I've ever made.

No matter how much I've read about it, nothing could've prepared me for it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I've never done drugs before. Why did I decide to do DMT? What was going on in my head?

I decided to do it alone, because I don't know any person (I knew, but they are gone from my life) who would volunteer to be my sitter. I have cheap scales around $18. The problem is that they only register when something is above 20mg, so I measured it by eye too, knowing how much I have in total. I think I ended up putting around 50mg since it was recommended and it would leave room for errors. As I was putting the DMT in my freebase pipe, the scales were showing inaccurate numbers, but... yeah... whatever. I trust my eyes and my instincts. Also what ever happens, happens for a reason. Life gives you exact lessons what you need. Right? Unfortunately at that time I didn't have a good blowtorch, but I had the one people use for cooking. A bit tricky to use, but it was doable.

I turned everything off, PC, phone, the room was dimly lit from salt lamps. It was late and neighbors were silent. I sat down, turned the burner on and took my first hit. It was small. I didn't know what to do. Really. I had no idea what I was doing. After a moment I felt like I've drank a glass of champagne. Just a fuzzy feeling. I took a second hit maybe slightly bigger this time. It felt like my ears are beginning to clog up and I lost hearing. It was very silent. The floor started to move. Felt like being drunk. I was scared to lose control, but I took the third one much bigger this time. While I was holding by breath I closed my eyes and now I saw small shapes in various colors like in kaleidoscope. Just shapes and patterns moving around. Now I was really scared and I thought I'd better lay down before I drop something or burn my house. I was losing control fast, so I was not able to take another hit.

I was just laying in my bed with eyes open and watching the ceiling and lamp move, become liquid. Colors appeared. Green, blue, yellow. Everything was covered in amazing colors. It was so beautiful. Like I was watching energy flow. I saw lines and colorful patterns. Layer upon layer. I was wondering why am I seeing this, but then I remembered that I had just smoked DMT. Funny how fast you forget everything. As I was watching the ceiling, I began to lose myself. I didn't feel my body any more. It felt like I was that colorful energy in the room. Like I was conscious about the whole room. I used to have dreams like that when you know that you're sleeping with eyes closed, but you see everything, you are just aware. So I was just aware of the whole room. It felt like I was levitating and the body is behind me. Like my mind has expanded beyond by physical body. I lost track of time. It felt like there is no time. At some point I didn't even know I had a physical body because this seemed more real and the world I knew before was all fake. It was blissful. For a while. Sometime later I was trying to snap out of it. I wanted to go back or move my arms, but I couldn't. I was afraid to lose myself completely. I got scared and I desperately was clinging on to my reality I knew. I felt like I was dying. Can't move, can't focus, just lying there in the bed like a helpless vegetable. Thinking that I smoked some toxic fumes from an unclean glass pipe or maybe took too much and my body can't handle it. I thought I was dying because I could no longer see these nice colors. I remember having a life, who I was, what my job was. I was sad because I thought I was dying alone in my bed and what a stupid way to go. I though I let everyone down and in my mind I was asking for forgiveness. To everyone, my family and for some reason my father and my father's before me. I don't why. I repeated this over and over in my head. I felt like I was about to explode and pass out, but I didn't. A moment later I come to. It felt like someone was putting me back to my body, but I didn't see anyone. I regained some of my thoughts and literally forced myself back to this body. I moved my hand and I thought "Wow, I'm alive". I felt grateful to be alive again. I got up and I didn't feel any after effects. Maybe only when closing my eyes for a second I felt slightly slipping back to that dreamy state.

It left me with more questions than before.

24.07.2019