The Garden Goddess - Older Psychonaut Profound Psilocybin Sensitivity

I joined an entheogenic church in my city.  It’s practice is ONLY around marijuana and mushrooms.  Our Pastor talks about how the mushrooms at low dose put a hole, at mid dose put an opening and at high dose completely open up the soul which is in fact our Universe or God attempting to know itself. He talks about how our Universe is seeking knowledge of uniquness.  So, if you are a brown shoed square working a standard 9-5 and not questioning or being truly different and unique you are kind of boring God/The Universe.  The Universe loves us for our weirdness and uniqueness.  I found great resonance with these ideas and just thought I would share.  :D

For the remainder of this week and into the beginning of next week I hardly have any work.  This happens though it is rare.

Meanwhile my life is an onging crush of stress and crises.  From an outside perspective, one might say, given your reality you should never trip.  And they might be right.

Nonetheless, I have gotten used to living like this while maintaining good energy and a positive outlook.  Living with constant physical and psychological pain and stress builds a kind of stoicism and gratitude for what remains.

My husband is going blind.  He has already lost a lot of hearing, can only swallow liquids, has no taste buds, constantly has nose bleeds, has a depilated  neck beard and underarms and other issues.  This is a direct result/aftermath of his surviving cancer 10 years ago.  

To kill the cancer he took a gamma ray knife to the head.  The gamma knife was programmed to hit the tumor from every single angle.  The machine moved around such that the ray came from down his neck, up from his head and all other angles.

So, my husband is in hell and I am dealing with a nightmare of our family being out $36 K a year which means I will no longer be able to donate to my beloved Cat House on the Kings, FentCheck.

Also, my cat sitting and dog walking business though lucrative does not make enough to support 2 normal adults, 1 severely disabled adult with need for special diet and lots of medical supplies and 3 cats.  So, I will probably by looking into getting another part time job and limping by or getting a full time grave yard position and trying to keep some of the cat sitting and dog walking gigs to supplement what no doubt will be close to a minimum wage job/gig.

This is a worst case scenario and it may not fully play out like this.  Nonetheless I feel that we are going to be okay.  I have a strong work ethic and my brother lives with us so somehow we will make this work.  And Nemo Amicus (my husband) may not go fully blind.  He is having daily opthamalogic and cornea clinic visits.

So, if you have been gracious enough to read this far you are pbobably thinking, wtf, forget it your set is doomed.

But, again, I am used to this never ending stream of crises.  I am older and deal very well with crises.

Regardless I decided to try something different.

For a couple of months I had been microdosing mushrooms using an approximate Stamets stack protocol.  

I am in the period of taking an entire month off from microdosing, actually I was close to 30 days into it so my tolerance was ZERO.  Also, it is worth noting other than a few recent low dose DMT trips I haven’t had an authentic psychedelic experience in well over 8 years.  Well, I can say that taking a break sure brings on the profound effects.

That and getting old.

I had always read that older folks were more sensitive to drugs.  I had noticed this previously in my husband and had begun to notice this in my own life.  But, this trip I took yesterday sure brought this fact home to roost.

So, I decided to take more than a microdose, but I figured as long as I kept it under 1 gram it wouldn’t get too trippy.  I just wanted to light the day up a bit more than a microdose, think some things over and maybe get a few light CEV’s

I used mushroom chocolates.  I ate the equivalent dose of 900 mgs of mushrooms.

I had not eaten that day and got an alert in about 25 mins.  I started getting hit with waves of positive feelings.  I also noticed that wonky transition feeling I always get before a real psychedelic experience starts.  This really surprised me.  I figured whatever happened it would be good because I had the day free and my husband was well and stable.

I began getting peripheral vision hallucinations of movement to the left and right of me.  After turning my head a couple times to check and realizing nothing was there I just chuckled.

We had been streaming a program on the computer with an audible description for my husband and I started noticing trails as the characters moved around.  This really surprised me and brought home the idea that this was going to be a real trip, much more than a stimulated afternoon.  I immediately switched that off, went to music, lay down and closed my eyes.

No pun intended, but seriously, tripping is like riding a bike.  Not tripping on DMT of course, which is it’s own thing and skill set but general tripping.  I was super pleased at how slowly things unfolded and how easy they were to remember relative to the frenetic, scrambling pace of the DMT experience.

I worked hard to cultivate skills to “bring information back” from my DMT experiences, at least the content of my visions and feelings.  They have been slowly returning.  Having this as a base made the mushroom trip an easy, fun and memorable ride.

Some of the material that came up may have been disturbing to certain folks.  I mentioned it to a chatter and he was grossed out.  I did apologize.  I am not trying to gross anyone out but sometimes I do get flesh, guts, bones, blood type images in my trips.  The thing is I don’t see this is bad or negative.  I am a-okay with body stuff and not at all squeemish.  

What is “bad,” is what we judge to be bad.  Clearly evil does exist but when judging our own experiences, I know some feel bad and harrowing but they really all just contribute to growth.

So, I hope folks won’t judge the material as too “gross” or “bad” because for me it was nothing of the sort.  Everything was profoundly beautiful.

I had many visions, thoughts and feelings.  My mind had been opened up but not shattered or flayed.   In my Pastor’s language I had sliced a nice opening into my soul to let truth in.

Many of the thoughts were around existential concerns.  I know my husband does not have a lot of time and due to certain issues with myself I suspect I may not have much longer.  I have been working for a long time at coming to terms with this and the work is going very well.

I examined many thoughts and feelings around these issues, tripped on the idea of living the rest of my life without my husband and things like that.  I just came to the usual deep realization that every single breath is a goose-pimple inducing gift of HUGE value.  That companionship, relationship and old love are to be cherished and shared.

I am not stating anything new or profound but to have these feelings sink in deeply rather than just at surface, intellectual levels was very helpful and kept the fantastic positive vibe of the experience going strong.

I had many fantastic, sharp and 3D rendered visions with a very DMT like aspect.  The colors were all over the place but the main theme was lots of greens, blues and purples.  There were numerous spinning marquis strips of what I call alien language.  I see these all the time on DMT.

When my eyes closed I was temporarily in a large, cylindrical space with a low ceiling.  It was psychedelically alive and very synaesthetic with the music.  Kind of like being in a living, hyperspatial, party yurt.  It faded rapidy.

The main visions opened, understandably given what’s going on, with mountains and valleys made up of eyes.  Spinning eyes.  Valleys of eyes descending into invaginations.  I let go and descended with the eyes.

I saw many dancing female entities.  Some of them were perfectly rendered humans, naked and oddly multiply conjoined.  Even attached to each other at the shoulder or waist, these dancing females were in ecstatic party mode.

I also saw a kind of geometric downtown city.  The colors were rainbow, the shapes mainly cubes and the cubes were stacked to create buildings.  But, the cubes were only traced in color on the outline of them.  Their interiors were black.  So, it was kind of a skeletal, geometric city.

I saw skeletons in this city.  Some were screaming which did not seem to bother me.  Not being bothered at all caused them to stop, smile and start dancing around like Grateful Dead skeletons.  This made me chuckle.

I also saw a fantastic, elongated, stretched out horse’s head with blood dripping from it.  Rather than being disturbing, it was oddly beautiful.

The high point of the visionary experiences was landing in a fantastic green space that was an amazing hyperspatial lush garden.  In the middle of this gorgeous hyper-plant space was a kind of multi-armed Garden Goddess (for lack of other terminology).  

Generally I don’t see Gods or Goddesses while tripping but clearly she was the Goddess of this fantastic garden.  Energy and nutrients flowed in beautiful, golden streams from her arms to the lush life within the garden.  It was fantastical and amazing.  It would be super cool to meet such an entity IRL but heck where would a woman like that be safe in our culture, right?  She certainly thrives well in my mind/mushroom space.

The tranced out, visionary part of things lasted a bit over 2 hours.  I was still quite intoxicated after that but able to sit up, talk and was feeling myself rapidly returning to baseline.

I was astonished at the profound effects and realized if I had taken even a low dose hit of DMT I would have broken through.  

My plans to breakthrough in early June will probably involve a 1 to 2 gram mushroom dose to start - of course I will have to pre-measure the DMT.  Before I realized I was so sensitive to psilocybin I had planned to eat 4.5 grams LOL.  Now I realize given my sensitivity if I did that I’d probably need an adult diaper.

One factor keeping everything positive was Nefer the cat.  She acted as a trip friend/sitter, speding 50% of the time laying on me and purring and the rest very close by.

I returned to baseline with no difficulty and feeling a positive afterglow.  Stressors have not changed but I feel my attitude has been improved.

I think eating about a gram of mushrooms once every month or two if time permits would be very helpful to me in the future.

This was a long winded rant.  If you read it I thank you and welcome comments/feedback.