SoSado

     Hi, all.      I know I haven't posted at all, but simply lurked as I had no experience related to psychedelics. However, one day I decided I just really wanted to experience mushrooms. I've been under the influence of alcohol and marijuana before but always had bad experiences with extreme anxiety and just emphasized depression whilst influenced by those substances. I had no reason to do so, other than it just kinda came to me one day when one of my friends happened to have a psychedelic chocolate bar from somebody he knew. Anyway, that's the backstory.     My first trip was at 1am EST on July 3rd, 2020. I had ingested a homemade chocolate bar that containted 3.5 grams of Penis Envy. I had done my research for months before even thinking about a mushroom trip, so I wasn't going in blind. I knew 3.5g was going to be somewhat of a lot since it was my first time going in, especially since it was Penis Envy. Unfortunately, what I didn't know was how long it was going to take to go into effect. I ate half of the chocolate bar, so I would ingest approximately 1.75g, because I didn't want to have a horrible trip for my first ever. I sat there listening to Sorority Noise and Brand New's Science Fiction for about 40 minutes, and I still felt nothing. Then I got anxious thinking, "Aw f**k, what if I'm just naturally resistant to it?" and quickly ate the rest in attempt to still experience what I thought I was supposed to, in case I wasted the trip only eating half. News flash to me, this was kinda stupid, but I ended up fine.  Atmosphere: My living space is in my family's house, but in the basement with no windows and a blocked out area. So, it's quite dark other than the glow of the lights from my reptile tanks. I was safe with people above me, so if anything bad happened I would be fine. Also, I'm freshly 20 and attending college so I am not a loser that lives with Mommy in the dark confines of her basement lmao.       After ingesting the whole bar, (40-50 minutes approximately: 2am) I felt my first effect. I just felt really happy, like I just had a smile that wouldn't go away. I felt so safe, secure, and comfortable. I had not a care in the world. This continued on throughout the whole trip, I was just super giddy. Secondly, (1 hour: 2:10am) I laid down in my bed somewhat bored because my friends ditched me to go play Valorant (I was talking to a couple via Discord). I stared at the ceiling and just felt really light, like every muscle in my body just sort of relaxed and I didn't feel so tense. Almost immediately afterwards of that, as I stare at the ceiling I notice that I see some like movement in the waves of the paint on the ceiling. I whisper to myself, "Holy s**t" as I was just realizing it was going to get crazy quickly. Lastly, I decided to just sit down on the internet browsing facebook listings for home rentals and texting an old friend that I had not in a few years after high school. About an hour goes by (3am-ish.), and I soon realize that I'm actually tripping then. While browsing those listings, bright colors like hot pink stood out more. As I was texting, I noticed that on my dark mode(d) phone, that on the keyboard every single digit and letter had a light border of green and purple. I looked down at my stomach and saw a almost 2d but 3d at the same time (I have no clue how to explain it) bearded dragon with its mouth open up towards me on my shirt, as well as something similar to tank treads moving along the outline of my left arm. Fast forward when done with my conversation with my friend and exchanging of liked music, I started playing Counter Strike Global Offensive. This is the most notable thing to occur during my trip but also somewhat of the scariest, but while playing CS:GO, I noticed that time was going ridiculously slow and I was manually breathing (I also end up manually breathing til the end of my trip at 6am.), yet I was having the time of my life! It was so much fun and it felt like a literal year had gone by, but I look up at the timer of the match and simply only one minute and thirty seconds had gone by! Notably too, behind my pc monitor is just a wall, like my desk fits perfectly between two walls up against another, and when I looked up at a random time I noticed three shadow outlines of people on this wall. It initially scared the hell out of me and I got a little paranoid, so I started looking behind me, but I was able to tell myself that it was all just in my head and they disappeared. That was the only truly bad thing I saw or experienced. I was in complete awe, i was so joyous. So, instinctively, I started listening to my favorite albums by my all time favorite bands and artists after my two matches in CS:GO. Brand New's intro song "Lit Me Up" to Science Fiction felt INSANELY slow. It made me so happy, I don't know why, but music is such an important aspect of my life and, guess, I truly don't know. It was just amazing to experience it in like a .25 speed of reality for some reason. So for about two hours, I seriously just sat there listening to Sorority Noise, Brand New and Citizen, just purely taking it all in. This was the majority of my trip.      (POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEPRESSION) Unfortunately but fortunately, I know none of you people and none of you people know me in reality, so I feel comfortable sharing my true emotions during these moments. I'm not looking for sympathy or care, I just wanted to share my first trip ever as entirely as possible, so I will not redact this information.  After I had such an amazing time listening to my favorite music and playing video games, I tried to talk to my friends in discord. They didn't want to talk to me, which is fine, but they mocked me as I joined their server for whatever reason. They all simply chose to ignore me and I still don't understand. We made up now, so don't worry our friendship isn't ruined and I forgive them, but I won't forget it. I enjoy being alone at most times, I find comfort and peace when physically alone, but most of the time I just like knowing that somebody is listening to me and caring for me just by simply being in a discord call or server with me. I told my two best friends that I really wanted somebody to talk to. They're both very good friends too and they were talking together at the same time without me, once again fine. However, what truly hurt is that they got my messages and choose to ignore me. I told them I just really didn't want to be alone and that was all. They knew what I was doing and where I was, but I just wanted to know somebody was there for me just in case something bad happened or I experienced something bad, because I have tendency to get emphasized depression whilst under the influence of any substance (especially alcohol, obviously). Them ignoring me, even when I joined the server, just crushed me, like a video game was more important to them more than their best friend(s). So, I f**ked off and just continued to sit in my desk chair and listen to Sorority Noise's album You're Not As _ As You Think. This in tandem with realizing I was entirely alone, even without my significant other, and I was pretty much the only person to exist in the world just broke me. I had never felt so alone. I started thinking that I could just go get in my car and drive it right off a bridge and not a single person would know and honestly wouldn't know for about a week, other than my S/O. And it was just a lot. I don't have a lot of people that care about me and to have the people that I trust most to just blatantly act like I don't exist made me want to die. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to just die. I wasn't going to kill myself, never will, because I know how other people would feel, even if we're not that close. I wouldn't want anybody to feel that way. So my trip got really bad for a bit, just severely depressed and felt so alone. I started writing down in notepad how I was feeling just to get it off my chest and hopefully feel better.  (WARNING OVER)     Finally, the end of my trip was approaching (roughly 3:30am-4am, I started losing track of time). I was still manually breathing, but it was very late and I was awake for about a total of 24 hours at that point and was exhausted in every manner. I was getting really scared, because I had no idea how long it was going to last, but I just wanted it to be over, especially since how I was feeling at this point in time. I lay down in bed and all I could focus on was my breathing since I was trying to sleep and was STILL breathing manually. I got really concerned on how I was breathing, since time was so slow for me. I couldn't tell if I was breathing super fast or way too slow. So, I pulled out my stopwatch on my phone. I took a breath, slowly in, slowly out. and I would blink and then my stopwatch all of a sudden said about 45 seconds had passed. I got really scared, I couldn't tell if I stopped breathing for about 40 seconds or not because I had looked at my phone and taken a breath at 3 seconds and then all of sudden 40 seconds passed, like what?! So I just tried my best to get some sleep, while watching my breathing and timer. This kept going for 45 minutes. It would be several minutes or a minute difference between my breathing, and I couldn't tell if I was just falling asleep or breathing stupidly slow and possibly unintentionally killing myself, I have no idea, still don't honestly. I fell asleep eventually and woke up at about 6am and felt pretty much fully sober and didn't breathe manually, yay! I obviously ended up fine. Day after, it's true what they all say. You become more in tune with reality and I had a deep more care and valued everything I actually do have significantly more, such as my S/O. I told them how much I loved them and hugged them as tightly as I could as soon as I saw them. TLDR: Shrooms are cool. 90% of trip was cool, other 10% was scary and depressing.