Early this week, I lost my best buddy in the entire world ..... My 14 yr old English/American Bulldog mix named Elvis ... and devastated is an understatement and pain is but a word that is totally inadequate in describing its meaning.When I found him as a puppy, I had no intentions of getting another dog as within the previous 6 months, I lost both my beloved St Bernard named Stella and my English Bulldog named Molly. My feelings then, were that I just couldn't put myself through such pain by getting another dog whom I love dearly only to lose them again.Then one day, through a series of random circumstances and chance encounters ..... I met Elvis as a young 8 week old puppy.Instantly and literally upon first sight, I just knew .... knew upon a primal level similar to the way I know my own name ..... that he was mine .... and he knew I was his. We were instantly inseparable and have remained so for 14 yrs. That bond formed so incredibly fast and was so intense, that everyone around us simply vanished as we interacted and played with each other. Everyone there noticed how obvious this was and commented amoungst themselves that they were witnessing the manifestations of destiny... So I'm told anyway, but I heard nor saw anything but this unbelievably adorable mush faced puppy with two vastly different eye colors. A puppy who was so unbelievably "familiar" to me, that it was like finding an old, very dear friend whom I lost contact with, but now found.Instantly, it was if the rain stopped, the clouds parted and the sun started shining for the very first time in many months.He latched down hard upon my heart and even now after his passing, he cant let go.Many cannot understand such a bond between man and a dog, but I also know many can ...... The truth is that my absolutely crushing grief and unbearable pain couldn't care less what anyone thinks.Im not looking for anyone's sympathy nor condolences either..... Although appreciated and knowing such sincere expressions of empathy come from the heart .... The truth is they will not bring him back to me nor will they relieve the unbearable intensity of my crushing sorrow.Elvis looked like a real badass ..... even barked like one ..... But the truth is that just like me, he was truly a big softy and hid his soft, caring nature behind that exterior of illusion to protect and conceal it. He only became fierce and protective when he felt either my kids .... and later my grandkids ... or myself was being threatened.The only times he left my side was when kids were over. He absolutely adored children and was always drawn to them like a magnet. Yet he always had to know exactly where I was and what I was doing at all times. Everyone that met him just loved him ..... even self professed "non dog" people. His nature, clownish behavior and personality were irresistible.When he became scared ..... during thunderstorms or fireworks etc .... he shook like a leaf and ran to me full bore ..... as I was the only one capable of comforting him. You haven’t really lived until you have had a 90lb bulldog insist upon jumping in your lap or leaping upon your head during the night as your sound asleep when that first bang of thunder erupts.One night, after working a particularly long day and jumping in the shower after arriving home ...... He actually launched himself through the shower curtain and into the shower with me immediately after that first bang of a thunderstorm..... Which scared the living shit out of me as it was unexpected! ..... He usually just lays down upon a dog bed I have in the bathroom he uses while I shower or do other bathroom activities so hes comfortable and can keep his eye upon me while he waits for me to finish.He often went with me everywhere and this became expected when friends and/or relatives invited me to their homes for dinners, parties and picnics etc.He was so loved by everyone, that I often joked to others that they really only invite me to see Elvis ...... and everyone always agreed!He adored riding with me in my truck and car ... He insisted upon sitting in the front seat, sitting up like a human and have the seatbelt strapped across his chest just like a human ....... And then at redlights would intensely stare at the car occupants stopped right next to us until they looked his way .... always eliciting smiles and laughter.He was such a sight sitting there so proudly and upright in that front seat while fully buckled in, wearing that doggy smile only he was capable of ...... Such a sight that upon two occasions I remember (and much to my dismay) I was pulled over by cops just so they could stop me to see him.He absolutely adored women and was quite the "chick magnet". I lost count of the amount of women I've met and befriended due to his irresistible nature and charm.Every woman he has ever met and interacted with has instantly fallen for him ..... My own ratio isnt even but a mere, minor fraction of his!So much so that I have no shortage of friends stopping by to offer their condolences, check up on me and offer their support and shoulder ...... But the common scenario is that I ultimately end up being the one with the wet shoulder thats trying to comfort and consule their pain and heartbreak.Saying he was a most special dog would be a great understatement and disservice to him. This isn't the usual memorial stuff either ..... Its the gods honest truth that was plainly obvious to every single soul he touched. His personality, character and clownish approach to life is unlike any dog ive ever met or owned.I keep telling myself that I was so unbelievably and incredibly lucky to have had him ..... to have him touch and move my soul .... that I should be extremely grateful ..... but it just doesn't begin to heal my irreparable broken heart and crushed spirit . .... Im now but an empty, broken shell of the man I once was ..... nothing will ever be the same for me nor begin to fill that giant, empty, black chasm now in my heart.The pain is unimaginably intense and oppressive.Now, the most crushing and devastatingly horrific moments of my day are when I return home from work.Immediately upon hitting the garage door opener button ..... I am now greeted with ugly, dark, empty silence instead of his enthusiastic barking of anticipative excitement knowing Ive finally returned home to him.Then having walk in the door to an empty silent home instead of him being there, little stub of a tail wagging furiously, to greet me with great enthusiasm, much rejoicing, dancing and prancing like only bulldogs are capable, many kisses and that look of anticipation like "so what are we doing tonight pops? Huh? Huh? Huh? .... whose coming over? Huh? Huh? .... Are we going somewhere? Huh? Huh?" ...... Its just killing me not having him doing that anymore and simply crushes me every day upon my return home...... So much so, I now absolutely dread returning home.But the very worst is going to bed to such dreadful silence ...... absolutely crushing, empty silence. ..... suffocating, oppressivly deafening silence.No more will I ever fall asleep to that calming, wall shaking bulldog snore and bulldog sleep purring that lets me know that all is right in the world and as it should be so I can relax and drift off to sleep.The silence is just disturbingly deafening.Im not even sure Ill hit that share button and post this ...... I was just hoping out of shear desperation that writing about him, how much I love him beyond description and expressing my deep pits of grief would somehow purge some of this untouchable pain and unbearable misery ..... yet its all I ever really feel now and I simply must accept that its now all that Ill ever have left of him. The emptiness and silence is simply excruciating.If i do post this and you have somehow gotten through my pathetic expressions of self pity and self indulgent sorrows ..... I dont really need any more condolences or attempts to comfort ...... Both my condolences tank and my comfort tanks are already overflowing....What I need is for you to appreciate those people (and animals) within your life that are dearest within your own hearts ....... Go hug your own dog, go hug your kids, reach out to dear friends and tell them what they truly mean to you ..... truly tell them with the type of honesty that elicits tears forming in your eyes ...... Because no one really knows nor understands how utterly devastating and horrifically crushing it is to suddenly have the unthinkable become your new reality .... How temporary everything truly is ..... How deep pain can actually travel inwards ..... until its experienced upon the most personable of personal levels ..... And this is coming from someone whom is certainly no stranger to losing deeply loved people (nor animals) in my life. There is grief ...... and there is unbearable grief ..... with a mountain of various shades between the two.Just go do that and deeply feel/mean it while you still can ...... and knowing I instigated that will help ease my own pain ...... Words are simply unnecessary and often obscure truth ...... Actions are what always demonstrates and proves that truth.Everything is temporary and is over faster than we are comfortable admitting to ..... Right now is all we have, all we really ever had and all there is for us while we are down here ...... Make the most out of it and share it all with those you love by expressing and showing thanks towards them for enabling such indescribable love ...... please, I really am begging you as tomorrow is but an illusion and a chance for the lost opportunity of what is freely available to us right here and right now.I know beyond doubt that Elvis would love it if you did that.I would give absolutely anything to right now hug elvis and tell him..... show him .... what he means to me ..... truly anything.RIP my bestistiz of all my best buddies ...... the hole you left behind is bottomless and unfillable
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