LSD Report (5/3/19) Conscious Breakthrough?

Trip Report: 1 hit LSD (exact dosage strength unknown, but it was strong and on blotter). .Before thought....Over the past few months I have eaten mushrooms three times. One of those times the mushrooms only gave me a minor Head trip, despite being azurescens, the strongest known mushrooms in the world, or at least in the Americas anyway. I am bipolar and I do take medicine for it because despite using cannabis, my Lexapro keeps my negative thoughts from wandering and leading to anxious outburst. Despite the strength of the strain, it turns out my medicine had an adverse effect that interfered with the serotonin, thus almost completely killing the trip altogether..The other two trips I had were with lower strength strains, which did not interact with my medicine, and needless to say, I broke through both times, so much so I physically seizured (for a lack of a better term) until I knocked myself conscious..I recently came into contact with someone who could get acid and he said it was a great batch. Being a bit weary, considering I've been burned on it a few times since moving to Las Vegas last year, I decided to take a chance since I wanted something a bit lighter than mushrooms again..It took about 45 minutes to kick in, and I was in my apartment because it was really hot and humid yesterday and it doesn't get humid very often in Las Vegas, but when it does, it is difficult being outside in it for long periods of time, and despite being able to see well enough to get around, I am legally blind, so I have my areas and boundaries indoors and Outdoors so I don't scare any neighbors at my complex or hurt myself while I trip..Coming up, the visuals weren't really that intense, objects I stared at would get a little wavy, but things didn't start really popping until I walked outside onto my balcony. I found myself completely zoned out staring at the Spanish style apartment buildings at the complex over from mine. There is a pine tree that has a large branch adjacent with the stairway leading down to the ground from the second floor. The way the Sun and shade were hitting it made it illuminate so beautifully and the way the pinecones hung from the limbs appeared as bright red, they then turned to strawberries. As I watched on, the land started to become colored with what I thought was snow, but it turned out to be ashes, the strawberries began glimmering in certain areas with the color of fire as if they were burning from the inside out and the red became singed black. It sounds really morbid and destructive the way I'm describing it, but in my mind it was still beautiful and did not present itself to me as threatening. I feel like the tree was speaking to me..I then went back inside to cool down and that's when I felt it coming for me, like it did the two times the mushrooms took me. I wasn't prepared for this to happen. I have heard people say that once you have broken through on mushrooms or DMT, I have smoked DMT but I didn't break through with it, that good acid will allow you to break through. Considering the unexpectancy of the situation, I began to semi freak out, which is bad, I know, but while I was still able, I realized that if I just laid down on my bed and took it like I did before, I would hurt myself or fuck up my apartment again..Being the idiot I am, I was thinking to myself that I desperately and so needfully desired a true ego death, which I believe was interrupted both times before because of my setting, and I tried thinking quickly as to what to do to prevent myself from messing anything up. I went into my bathroom, I took down my shower rod and curtain and put them outside the room, I took all of my showering things out as well, removed my trash can and even the cover from the back of my toilet. I removed my clothes and my glasses and put them out as well. I shut the door and turned off the light and climbed in the bathtub, which I obviously cannot lie down flat in and I had to cross my legs to get them to fit. I was really uncomfortable but in my mind I was telling myself I needed to brace for impact. I felt like a bomb was about to go off and I couldn't stop it. I even began seeing the bathtub full of blood in a horrorific way..I began getting scared started telling myself in my mind that the last time I did really good acid, was when I was 19 years old and living in southwest Virginia, yes I know that was a long time ago considering I am 37 years old, but practically everything is dry in that area. I remembered how being as high as I was and seeing visuals like crazy, and with my eye condition included, walked with my friends down into a cave with a waterfall. My vision problems are progressive and I could see a lot better back then, but I also remember that the dosage I took back then was even stronger than what I was currently on and I was still up and active and enjoying myself out in nature.and then I noticed the vibrations in my bathtub coming from my television I forgot to turn off. It was on The Cleveland Show and I started focusing my attention on that and I can't remember what was said but something made me laugh and then it pushed me back to my senses and I got out of the bathtub and went out and put my clothes back on and walked outside again to get fresh air and relax. .Once I got hot again I walked back inside and just like before, it hit me again, and once again, I retreated to my bathtub and crossed my legs again with the door shut and the light off. I was telling myself not again in my head. Then suddenly I started feeling the spiral coming and pulling, but just like that I started seeing that keep calm meme in my head and I started repeating it to myself to keep calm, just keep calm. I then realized that I was physically and mentally on a loop because I repeated my actions and I got back out of the tub, while saying keep calm out loud and quickly, like a chant, I got out of the bathroom, put my clothes back on yet again, and went and sat down on my couch and drank water. I started focusing on my TV again witch I put on South Park. I watched and laughed and began feeling great again. I even ordered a pizza..I felt the usual head-trip for a few hours and then I started thinking about a chant that I was hearing in my head my previous to breakthroughs with the mushrooms. Each time it became clearer but I couldn't decipher it, and even though I know this isn't the entire chant, the words, "I am learning it more as it goes" came to me and I even said it out loud, and boom!.Just like a sneeze, visuals Galore! The knobs on my stove were spinning rapidly, everything else around was wavy like water, all the art on my wall was going crazy and I just sat back and enjoyed the show in joyous laughter. My previous Peak was spent freaking out in my bathtub and the second wave got me in a really good mood so I got to have what I needed and what I wanted, and I was able to work myself out of an absolute disaster without any harm done..I realized that I do indeed need an ego death, preferably from mushrooms or DMT. However, I also realized yesterday that this is not the time nor the place because me retreating to my bathtub and seeing it full of blood made me realize that I am in too dark of a place right now to venture that deep, but when I do reach a comfortable point in my life to do so, I am going to find somewhere special that is quiet and Outdoors where I can be alone and not have to worry about what my body does. I have had a lot of really bad things happen in my life that all went into my subconscious and are coming out slowly, but I need them out all at once and Achieve true ego death. I know when it happens though, there will be much more flopping around, possibly yelling and screaming and the releasing of Decades of built-up hurt and anger and it's not going to be pretty, but it's going to save my life ultimately.