First Ketamine experience- Going home

Started to feel disconnected from my body, heady, a change in space like being on an escalator. David was sitting next to me but it felt like he was across the room.  Outside my body felt colder and inside my body felt hotter. I felt like I was in an animal burrow, cozy and protected. Got the acute sense and memory of the way it felt to be around my father. He was never “ok” and I took this on as blame and the sense that I was never “ok,” it made me cry. I asked am I ok? Am I enough? I wanted to explore that question. Things intensified further and I felt quite above my body, not totally sure where my limbs and hands were. It felt really good, getting into euphoria. I laughed. I felt birds around me, lifting me up. I had the sense that I was with my maternal grandfather, something I’ve always wanted. I could feel his energy and love for me. It was like being carried on his shoulders. I was a small child. We were at a parade. I felt all the excitement that one wants to feel at a special time w family. This is what fulfillment was like. It contrasted greatly w my own childhood holiday memories and made me feel so connected to all of my ancestors. Belonging. I longed to feel this my whole life and could finally embrace it. Or rather it embraced me, I just had to feel and be. I could feel my hands and fingers moving a bit, ushering in energy like receptors and rather beyond my control. The fire inside me burned, not in a heat or uncomfortable sense, just in an energetic and symbolic one. I sensed the duality of the cold surrounding. I felt flame move within me. I was back in my igloo, my sacred space that I have visited in meditation. A fire burned in the middle. Being at the hearth I felt surrounded by family. So much peace and joy. I kept thinking I am. I am. I felt affirmed and fortified and celebrated but in a very natural, unshowy, ‘we’ve always known you and loved you and you fit in perfectly here’ kind of way. Oh just to be with them. With him. With my inner child. I felt like I was experiencing life through my child’s eyes. It gave me peace as a mother to know this is how she felt so often. Gave me grace for doing my best all the time. That is was ok that things weren’t always joyful, to know the feeling is enough and to know it regularly is divine. I laughed again, a few times really. I recall shedding some more tears, for beauty and restoration. But mostly amusement, incredulous, amused and in the know. So capable and accepting. Loved. I understood there was nothing to fear with death, it feels like going home, this feeling is truly beautiful. I got a sense and image of my sacred sexual space, the cave but pink and fleshy, a lotus. How it is energetically untainted by even the more nefarious acts we think can be done to and by humans. It gave me a sense of not distorting the purity of such a facet of the self by defining oneself by sexual trauma. Even hours later I feel like I’m breathing easier, deeper, fresher.