Ayahuasca ceremony night 2 of 2

Posted my first Aya experience a couple days ago and this is my attempt to express the following night. There were some things about me you need to know to truly understand parts of this experience for it to make sense. Disclaimer: this will be stupid long so feel free to spend your valuable time reading other posts as this is really for those who want a honest, all bullshit aside description of how a ceremony has the potential to force things you have consciously or subconsciously been avoiding to be forced to the surface. For someone like me, this can be devastating/traumatic. Okay, so after spending most the day talking to the female I connected with the night before and a couple others, the final ceremony is about to begin. I’ve become a little more comfortable around the group and I’m going into this with the mindset of okay, last night was the most profound experience I’ve had by far.... but I didn’t experience no loss of self that you hear off, nothing that I can go home and brag about and I payed good money for this healing therefore I’m going to get my money’s worth tonight . CLEARLY my ego. I would later regret being this naive. Tonight the brew is stronger and the shaman will let us decide when we have consumed enough. Also before ceremony I participated in administering Sananga Eye Drops which I’d be lying if I said I know for sure the intent. Maybe to make the visions stronger!? Note: if you haven’t experienced ayahuasca at this dose you may not understand this, once you reach a certain height of this experience. Time is no longer linear for me, I’m not limited to experiencing one timeline or experience at once. All these visions I have at the beginning are happening at the same exact time. I am experiencing multiple perspectives at once. First full cup, we sit for ~20 minutes and I’m one of handful who request second cup. I feel like I need to purge as soon as I drank first cup and this never left me until the end. About 35 minutes in I request my 3rd full cup and I am the only one to finish the second cup let alone a third. About the time I swallowed that third cup I felt it starting to come on pretty intensely compared to first night. I’d soon regret every decision I’ve made up until the point of drinking that last cup. Keep this in mind throughout this entire read, I’m fighting with everything I have not to throw up. I wanted to get alllll the medicine I swallowed spite what my body was telling me. I’m laying in bed tonight as requested by shaman. It starts off with this warming sensation coming over me starting at the base of my brain and wraps around my head, it’s consuming my body. Felt similar to when neo in the matrix took the pill and the liquid swallows him. I tried covering myself with blanket to hide my expressions as I was at awe, had mouth and eyes wide open like a deer in headlights. I start to see intense flashes of static lightning in my vision along with a overwhelming cracking sound of lightning in my ears. It hurt it was soo loud. So I close my eyes and I start to see intense colors and it’s not scary but it’s intense. After just a few minutes of that at an instant I start to open my eyes. As I do I realize I am a woman as I looked down at my lower body, I’m walking through what I conclude as Egypt or some type of advanced civilization. I still have my identity at this point so I just go with it, I walk, I find myself talking to others as we meet and I hear this unfamiliar language but I understand what they are communicating to me and I would respond in the language I didn’t understand. I remember thinking, I was a woman in this life( I have never believed in reincarnation) that’s all I remember of that place, I see another flash and I open my eyes and I’m in a blimp of some sort as it’s catching fire until it explodes and another flash, I open eyes and I am writing on a chalkboard, I was trying to solve some important equation. I had numerous other visions of unfamiliar lives but I won’t bore you. Those harmless hallucinations lasted maybe until 1 hour in. From there I’m not sure why but it takes a darker turn. I open my eyes after numerous flashes and I find myself on a motorcycle and I look down and instantly realize it’s not my body and as I look up I see a flash and everything goes black. I can hear a echoe of chatter around me but I cannot see. I feel myself laying face down on a warm surface. It hit me, I am dying from a bike accident. I feel myself slowly drifting away and I’m sad. I feel my body roll over as my spirit leaves the body and I float up and I see my actual self holding this man as he dies. (Approximately 4 years ago I seen a traumatic accident and it was this experience I just explained, from his perspective) weird huh. This is when the death experiences start. This goes on for a good hour and half. I’m stuck in this cycle of soul hopping. Sometimes it was random and some were personal. I’ll describe a few, skip to next paragraph if you don’t want the scary details. I would become aware in a new perspective just to instantly realize this is the moment of death for this body I just entered. I’d experience that specific death as if it was really real and then I’d drift away and restart in a different body. The more rememberable of them was once I awoke inside a mingled vehicle and it was on fire, I couldn’t get out, nobody there to hear my screams, I burn to death slowly. I remember feeling my esophagus charting as I took that first breathe of fire. Then I woke in a room writing a note, followed by my hanging myself. It wasn’t as painful as I anticipated. (A good friend from high school had hung himself couple years prior) then I woke and I was driving a car and looked up as I was wrecking and got ejected and I laid there face down and passed away alone. (Good hi school buddy died just like this few years prior) these types of deaths go on and on for what seemed like a loop of 250 different deaths. During this time I have had short glimpses into what’s going on here in reality around me. The energy in the room is intense. It’s going down. Everyone’s going through a deep experience, I hear cries, purging, laughs and faint whispers from the staff checking on those needing it at the time. This is the moment I knew that I fucked up. I have been fighting all these visions of death the entire time. Trying to hold on to any little bit of reality I could. I wanted to stay in my body. I notice a shift in energy in the room and this is what I witnessed. The shaman along with all his helpers are hovering one guy and I know he’s fighting it and having a bad time. I see the facilitators losing control of the ceremony. This guy was in Aya induced psychosis and he’s used the restroom on himself and he can’t even speak. I see the workers panicking. They are trying to carry him to the shower to undress him and clean him and separate him from the group. I knew that the shaman didn’t know what to do. As they are carrying this man back to his bed he collapses to the floor and is seizing. I use to be a medic in the army so I knew what was happening even tho I was under influence. I cannot move to help but I can tell they gave up. I heard the words ambulance and I swear I heard someone say he’s gone. I thought he died but that’s not what they meant I later learned. This wasn’t a hallucination as I asked shaman next morning. At this point when I seen this guy “die” right in front of me. (Not really) I started to second guess the shaman and the entire experience. I lost the little trust I had in him as a shaman to be there for us. This thought started a downward spiral to hell for me. First thing I realize is that this is why I have never trusted another individual, bc they manipulate reality selfishly. I instantly traveled back in time to when I discovered ayahuasca and began my 2 years of research before I arrived at church. I relived all of that as a whole. I seen it as I got deceived into trusting this experience as potentially part of healing. I’m laying on this air mattress in the dark, flip flopping in terror, while the atmosphere around me has lost all structure. I now want the experience to stop and stop now. I didn’t sign up for this. I wanna scream for help but I cannot speak. The shaman now sees me fighting it. I remember trying to pull my teeth out of my mouth and also placing pillow over my face and biting it bc I wanted out. I knew I was losing control. Now I’m surrounded and all attention is on me. The wife kept telling me to just breathe. I was thinking to myself, I am! I’m trying to let go but some part of me that I’m not in control of is refusing. This is when I think I enter beginning of true ego annihilation. We’re approximately 2.5 hours in or so and as they are surrounding my bed trying their best to ground me. I leave my body again. This time it’s different. I got sucked out of that space and now I could see myself laying there and I could see everything else going on around me. It turns into my funeral. I see myself lying in casket and I see everyone I have ever loved or known and also some people I admire or looked up to. They were all taking turns telling me that this is what I wanted. I have never felt soo powerless. I was yelling out for them pleading for forgiveness. They were even whispering to one another things like “yeah someone said he went and done ayahuasca and died” I thought this was real. I come out of that hallucinations back into my body and I’m experiencing this repeating time loop that you hear of with psychedelics. I was stuck repeating the same 7 seconds for what seemed like months. I’d wake up to see the church around me and realize I took a drug and bam it would restart. I thought omg I really went schizophrenic and am probably in a hospital. The loop was the scariest part I’d say. I was balling my eyes out and I could hear a sinister woman laughing at me the entire time. She kept saying this is everything you asked for. My last hallucination was very dark and personal to me. Skip to next paragraph if you have experienced sexual trauma or if your sensitive. I become aware again, I’m lying face down and I cannot move. I am being raped. I knew who it was and this is something I suppressed completely until I seen that man die on motorcycle. This man was doing the worst thing a person could do to a innocent kid. As this was happening I find myself in pain at first as it’s real and slowly I feel myself leaving my body, I felt this emotion like I was an infant being held by his mother and I was being rocked to sleep. That’s the last human type experience I had. The remainder of the 4 hours was something different. I came to my body from being violated and I instantly sat up in bed, my bucket and blankets went flying and I stumble towards restroom. I was trying to escape the experience. I get a short moment to breathe alone in restroom before the helper comes in to check on me. He said all I could say to him was I want out. They decide to take me to the back room alone with shaman. It was just us at a small table staring at one another. I didn’t trust him at this point. I feared him. He tried asking me questions to ground me but it was clear based on his body language he had already given up on helping me. He tries to force water down my throat and to get me to purge but I couldn’t. Everyone else is beginning to sober up. They lay me back down and I start to lose control of my body. I go somewhere else. Im floating in a void watching the formation of the universe from the first atom to the death of everything. I watched the cycle of everything that has been. I have no body, just pure awareness. Lastly I begin to lose sense of time, followed by losing my memories, then I couldn’t remember who I was, then I couldn’t even form thoughts as my knowledge of language has been ripped away entirely. Once you lose the ability to rationalize what your experiencing using language and reason in your head, that’s when you no longer exist. There was no liberation following my ego loss. No happiness or love. This is all I remember after that. I was finally able to open my eyes and I’m back in the church although idk who I am, I still have zero language. I couldn’t even hear noises around me. For the next hour I laid there not moving as reality rebuilt around me. I felt again as a infant that was relearning how to be human again. I’m this order.. time and space rebuilt around me, then I realized i am separate from everything else, followed by sounds, then language and what words meant, lastly I began to remember my name, my family members names, who I am as a individual. It took some time for me to remember I took a medicine. I left out a bunch as it’s hard to jot this down and not overwhelm you guys. Thank you if you made it this far. It took me months to understand this experience.