Relieved, confused, guided.

This was a difficult and different one for sure. I had been feeling the call for some time now, finally got around to an extraction (white NN) as my vials had run dry, and decided today was the day, afterwork was the time. Prepared as I usually do, deep breathes, meditation, some calm vibrations from the speaker. Loaded 31mg and took my tokes. I could already feel by the start of the third toke that this would be a wild one. Began in the usual way for me, a thought turning in another and exponentially so until they moved faster than I could perceive. A wave of fractals hits, ever changing and spectacular, I am immediately greeted with outstretched arms ushering me to be closer. I am reminded to breathe strong, and my mouth is nudged open. There is physical sensation that goes along, like the fingers of the hands are literally helping open my mouth.. Wriggly tubes of light (although feeling quite solid in nature) begin pouring into me through my mouth. I can literally feel these tubes, brushing against the sides of my mouth, and in my cheeks. A separate part of me wants none of this. This part manifests itself into an angry entity of spikey red mass that is eagerly pushing the tubes, and trying to halt the process. It feels like me, like my ego fighting my spirit as it's trying to be healed. I have to close my mouth, it's getting dry, and in doing so I sever one of the tubes! It baffles me how the world's of mind/matter come closer together during these experiences. I've never been in the room with both sides dueling. I am always calm when going in, and can remain calm despite the craziness that is the deem realm. But this time my ego had a strong hold on the feelings and was telling me this is not right, you need to stop, you are killing yourself. I hold fast, I know that I have to work past whatever this spikey mass is trying to tell me, and continue to lay patiently with my eyes closed. I find no solace, and continue to lay there confused until the visuals slowly fade out. I've been dealing with the trauma of facing an individual who threatened my life in a very real way In Jan of this year. I haven't had the courage to dive back into mush (at least not more than 1g at a time) because I know I will have to face it, but I figured I could handle the short duration of a vaped dmt trip. I am relieved that I could at least face this demon in this space, but I know I must go deeper.