I must begin by stating that my adulthood, I have consistently found healing and growth through psychedelic and sacred medicines. I firmly believe these experiences continue to cultivate my ability to embody love and grace as a state of being/energy. This had played an instrumental role in healing and managing my depression, anxiety and my nuerodivergent nature. 

About two months ago, I found myself in (what I’d best describe as) a possible mid life crisis.  I felt the SPIRIT molecule calling me so I sought out a couple fellow psychonaust to help me acquire my gold dust. I had been working my way into proper dosing/technique with a friend that synthesized his own. Around the time I felt ready to “go for it” he left for a lengthy trip overseas so I acquired some from another trusted source. I used my Elrich reagent and began my journey. It wasn’t until a few days after I inhaled that one massive and hearty rip from my e-nail, that I realize what had likely happened. 

I knew immediately entering this trip that something wasn’t right AT ALL and it was terrifying. Instead of the bright and diverse prismatic rainbows and visions I was used to, I saw very bright white light and nothing, maybe some semblance of the 4 elememts, but for the most part, everything was almost blank. 

This was extremely unsettling to me since is was so different than all my previous experiences. It had also tasted slightly different (athough that may have been my imagination). It’s a bit fuzzy (I tried not to think about it too too much the following few days), but I completely lost control of my body and my visuals became somewhat like a record skip or a glitch on repeat. I attempted to steady myself and pull out of this plunge, but my efforts were in vain. 

The next thing I remember, there is was this crushing realization that I had gone past the point of no return. I had broken my psyche beyond repair and everything I thought I had known was no longer. Everything was gone and it was only me left with the sense that no one and nothing would ever come or join me again. I was SURE I’d be stuck there forever. 

Despite this, I fought TREMENDOUSLY to return to my body. I called upon everything in me. Everything that made me, everyone that ever loved me, all the love and sacrifice that brought me to this point in my life. I channeled all that I was/am/will be to help get me back physically safe, if not mentally. 

I remember somehow reassuring myself and speaking “truths” over my soul. The “truth” that brought the most comfort to me was “Change is the only constant”… because that’s a LAW right? I also felt the the notion that “nothing is ever wasted” and “you have infinite chances to get (it?) right?”…

When I did finally force this crash landing, I struggled to reconnect me with my body. It was more like I was driving a power ranger machine, but eventually, I merged back into my physical self. I didn’t know what to think or feel and pushed it out of my mind the following 2 or 3 day until I was ready to evaluate…. whhhatttever the fuckkkk? I’m still not really sure what to do with/expect from this experience. 

After doing some research, I believe that this was 5-MeO-DMT and not N,N-DMT I took that day. I found this more terrifying as I have asthma and I’m prescribed a very low dose of Prozac daily. I was alone, live alone, and had informed no one of my plans. I know this may sound reckless, but over the years, I’ve found the most healing to enter these states alone. And am very open about my beliefs with friends and family, and I have been in weekly/bi-weekly therapy for over half a decade. Im not reckless with my dosing, preparation, and respect of these substances. I have spent 15 to 20 years learning and exploring my own psyche and consciousness. 

Up until this point I only ever thought of DMT as N,N-DMT, and heard of toad venom, but was never interested in that particular psychedelic. I have since ordered Hoffman and Mecke for any future use. 

Are my question is, what is that an ego death? Was that a bad trip? Should I talk to my doctor and or therapist about this? I have also read that you can experience pretty serious flashbacks, is this something I should be concerned about? I really don’t know where to turn to ask these questions so any loving and knowledgeable advice would be appreciated. I am a bit more emotionally fragile right now as this obviously opened up some thing, so please refrain from any shitty condescending comments or shaming.

THANK YOU fellow travelers!